I wouldn't ride you if my life depended on it (1027 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.65 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Morph (View user info) at 2004-03-31 03:09:32 EST
Every morning, the same ridiculous charade.
I live and work in London (England)and I must confess, I absolutely HATE it. Now don't get me wrong, it has everything going for it - Beautiful architecture, amazing nightlife, fantastic restaurants, wonderful art galleries and museums, and all of the other plus-points you would expect in a large city.
However, it stinks, it's never quiet, you cannot relax, the trains are always breaking down, you constantly live in fear of being blown up etc etc etc.
The worst part of all, unfortunately, is the people who live and work here.
They are awful. Ignorant, selfish, rude, arrogant and self important.
I'm quite a nice guy, have plenty of friends, try to be as generous as possible and I'm always willing to help out someone in need. So what's my point, and why this post?
Well, it's something like this - picture the scene:
You're sitting on the tube/bus/at a bar. Opposite you is the most vile, ugly, overweight monstrosity of a female, with makeup caked on like warpaint. She's preening herself as though she's Jackie O, but it's like watching a baboon's arse being massaged. You notice her, but then avert your eyes immediately -
a) because she's likely to cause you to throw up if you continue to look at her
b) because it's rude to stare at the "special" people
What does she do next? She hitches her skirt down a couple of centimetres in blatant accusation that you were looking up it, and follows up with a glare that implies you are the next Ted Bundy or Fred West. She makes you feel like a pervert. She then continues to glare at you like you are some kind of pervert. You feel like a pervert. You worry that the people around you think you're a pervert. You shift uneasily making you look like a pervert who's been caught out.
Now let me get something straight. I wouldn't look up someone's skirt even if I knew I COULD get away with it, because quite frankly it wouldn't do anything for me. Don't get me wrong, I love women. In fact I'm almost obsessed with women - I get regular sex, and I can be pretty perverted in the sack. I love women of all shapes and sizes, colours and creeds. But I don't wanna look up the skirt of Kate Moss or Penelope Cruz any more than I wanna look up the skirt of Roseanne Barr.
So, the thought of this woman's congealed kebab meat sitting in a pair of turtle-neck towelling knickers makes my stomach turn. And her accusatory stare gets me angry.
I've got a slippery half-breed freak of a woman with mismatched charity shop clothing, skin like a plucked turkey and breasts which hang like over-filled party balloons, barely covering her three vast rolls of blubbery stomach, looking at me like I'm a serial rapist.
And it actually makes me feel bad?!?!?
Cover your modesty, yes.
But fuck you for actually implying with your glare that I'd even consider sitting next to you.
I wouldn't ride you if my life depended on it.
User Reviews
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-31 18:09:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
naz-T
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-03-31 16:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the phrase "vast rolls of blubbery stomach" i could almost vomit picturing it.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-03-31 11:57:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny because this behavior is endemic to EVERYWHERE. As a chick who recognizes that you need to pay attention to the arrangement of your legs if you don't want ogling and also that some people are just going to be sketchy oglers whether you're wearing a miniskirt or a burlap sack, it's always good for an internal laugh to see other, more self righteous women do this little dance. Idiots.
The opening of this post reminded me of one of my favorite authors, Bill Bryson..."I can never understand why Londoners fail to see that they live in the most wonderful city in the world."
Submitted by deano (user info) at 2004-03-31 11:08:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:52:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
for good measure and because im a tool
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is why i dont rate at work... sorry bout the mix up.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:36:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You've got to be putting me on! That's all I hear from people: Oh London is so great, oh forget New York, London London London London. Nice to see a pinhole in that theory.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:22:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell me you called her out on it and that wasn't just internal dialogue.
Submitted by deano (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:17:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
sheesh, I'd hate a rating from you on a bad story.....
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:10:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"She's preening herself as though she's Jackie O, but it's like watching a baboon's arse being massaged."
best mental imagery...or worst.. i can't tell.
great story!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-03-31 10:02:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"congealed kebab meat sitting in a pair of turtle-neck towelling knickers makes my stomach turn"
Hahahahaha!
And this happens every morning? Wow :-)
Submitted by Kimba (user info) at 2004-03-31 09:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-03-31 08:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by deano (user info) at 2004-03-31 07:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"is that it?"
Are you illiterate as well as thick, Diesel? Read points a)and b)
Submitted by DlESEL (user info) at 2004-03-31 06:26:49 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Is that it? I'll summarise this post for you:
"I stared at an ugly fat bitch and she caught me"
How is that interesting, funny, or even remotely amusing for anyone?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-03-31 06:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe. I hear you brother. London sucks.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-03-31 06:05:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe. I hear you brother. London sucks.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-03-31 06:04:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe. I hear you brother. Lodon sucks.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-03-31 05:58:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fellow Londoner. Good man. I fit your description of Londoners as I'm sure you do as well.
Submitted by Supremebeing (user info) at 2004-03-31 05:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post! I know someone thats going to London in April. Hopefully I will be recieving some good pictures while she is there.
Submitted by MrB (user info) at 2004-03-31 05:39:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post!
Howver: London having "amazing nightlife"? Don't you mean "amazing eveninglife"? Because it's just frustrating how early the pubs close....and you have to drive to the other part of town to find a club still open after midnight....sheesh!
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-03-31 05:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jolly good show old man!
Malone
Submitted by stevo (user info) at 2004-03-31 05:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"it's rude to stare at the "special" people"
----------------------------
ahahahahahaha! It happens to me all the time. I sometimes pretend I've spotted someone behind them, and do a little wave or something.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-03-31 05:25:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
England eh? Funny sounds just like Detroit, well actually in Detriot that woman would have had a gun and just shot you in the face surpassing the dirty look part
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-03-31 04:16:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have found that the best thing here is just to stare straigt back at her but focussed on something just behind her right ear. She can't quite figure if you are looking at her or what. It freaks them out.
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-03-31 03:45:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Got to love the indignant skanks who havent realized yet that no one loves them, because other such male indignant skanks do resort to riding them...