Big Bird's Vacation (937 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.85 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by gascs (View user info) at 2004-03-31 11:12:40 EST
"Today's episode was brought to you by the letters 'P', 'Y', and the number '7'."
Big Bird smiled into the camera as he and Elmo danced with a few firemen in the middle of Sesame Street. The credits were rolling, the theme song was playing, and everyone seemed to be as jolly as ever. The dance concluded with Elmo being taken under Big Bird's wing in a friendly hug, the firemen heartily laughing off to the side.
"That's a rap!" yelled the director. Instantaneously, Elmo leapt away from the towering yellow embrace.
"Jesus, Big Bird, can't you try some new deodorant? You fuckin' stink!" Elmo belched. "Get me off of this fuckin' set, I need a beer. Oh, hello, ladies!" Elmo joined his groupies at the side of the stage and began to lead them back to his dressing room. As he left, you could hear him saying, "If you think that was good, you should try tickling me here..."
The director frowned and shook his head. "If that muppet wasn't the only thing keeping this show alive anymore, I'd have him working low-budget children's shows in Mexico. If he doesn't slow down with the booze and the women, he's going to be gone, like that sick fuck Wheezer. It was nearly impossible to get him off that last cocaine possession rap. Hey, you listenin' to me, Bird?!?"
Big Bird just shook his head.
"You better get your fuckin' friend in line! I don't run no kinda two-bit third-rate show around here! These fuckin' kids eat this shit up! We're gonna keep it that way!"
Big Bird turned and started to walk away.
"Don't you fuckin' walk away from me, Bird! You can be replaced! I can break you like anyone else! You're nothin' but a fuckin' HAS-BEEN!!!"
Big Bird just kept walking to his dressing room. He was becoming bored with this line of work. After doing this show for 35 years, not to mention all of the countless birthday party appearances and "Sesame Street on Ice" performances, he was burnt out. Plus, this new director was a real asshole, and he didn't think he could take it much longer. "Maybe I should look to retirement..." he lamented. "Warm beaches, hot little birds in skimpy bikinis, perhaps a few Pina Coladas... Man, it's been a while since I've had a good time."
He walked into his dressing room, and there was Oscar, flipping through a porno mag in the corner. "What's up, Bird?"
Big Bird wasn't pleased. "Shit, Oscar, can't you go through that stuff in your own room?"
Oscar smiled. "No way, buddy, they never come in to mop my room. Your floors are always spotless. Well, usually, at least." Oscar winked back at his friend. He was much friendlier in reality than his TV character depicted.
"Ok, that's it. Out. Now." Big Bird was getting fed up. "Go!"
Oscar looked quite a bit hurt. He collected his periodicals and went for the door. "Bird, you gotta calm down. You're letting this job get the best of you." he offered, with some real concern for his friend.
"I'm sorry, Oscar, it's just this new director, and the effort, and all of this shit Elmo keeps getting into lately... It's all got me down. I'm thinking about some vacation."
Oscar just shot him a sympathetic glance, and walked out of the room.
Alone, Big Bird sat down to read some of "Chicken Soup for the Soul", completely ignoring the irony. He wasn't twenty pages in, when the director came to the door. Before he could speak, Big Bird blurted out, "I need some vacation."
The director was not pleased. "You'll fuckin' take vacation when I TELL YOU TO take vacation! You're gonna keep on workin', and I'm going to stop seeing this mopey-ass has-been muppet bringin' my day down! YOU LISTENIN' TO ME?!?"
Big Bird was not happy with this exchange. He put down his book, stood up, and got right up against the director. "Loud and fuckin' clear, you dirty fucking fuckrag."
"Oh, so now you wanna play hardball, huh?" the director screamed back at him.
A fireman walked in off of the set to see what the cause of all of the commotion was.
"Today's episode was brought to you by the letters 'A', 'X', and 'E'!" the huge yellow muppet challenged, as he snatched the fireman's weapon away, and brought it straight down on the director's head in one swift motion. Blood poured from his nose and mouth as his skull was split clear down to his bottom lip. The fireman looked shocked, but before he could yell or run away, the axe was heaved into his chest, smashing through his rib cage, exploding his heart, and peeking through the other side. Big Bird gave the axe a final shake as the last breath of life flowed from the fireman's lips.
Rage in his eyes, Big Bird left his room.
Elmo approached, obviously rumpled from yet another God-knows-how-many-involved drug-induced group sex session. He looked up at Big Bird, for just a second, and the words, "Jesus, Bird, what's wrong?" escaped his lips just before the Bird swung the axe hard from the side at Elmo's throat. His head fell cleanly off and rolled at the ground. Big Bird stooped to pick it and look into its lifeless eyes before smiling and drop-kicking it down the hallway. He continued toward the stage, murderous rage replacing every bit of sanity he once had. Snuffleupagus was on the set, ready for the next shot.
"Today's episode was brought to you by the letters 'D', 'I', and 'E'!" Big Bird pounced and plunged the axe into Snuffy's chest over and over again. As the enormous muppet fell, Big Bird threw down the axe and leapt on top of him.
* * *
The director's assistant was puzzled. The director was just here. This telethon was a huge deal; he couldn't possibly miss something like this. "Well, I see no sign of the director, but we're going live here, so let's get the show on the road. ACTION!" The cameras began rolling, and the curtain slowly rose.
Children across America were horrified to see Big Bird's face, painted with blood, buried in the open chest of Snuffleupagus.
THE END
![big_bird[1].gif (21 kB)](http://stuff.ubersite.com/1080749560233821831/1/big_bird[1].gif)
User Reviews
Submitted by lenlen (user info) at 2004-05-26 13:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2004-05-16 19:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thank god i missed that episode
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-05-05 19:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not sure why but Ive never seen you're posts. must be timezones or something
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2004-04-07 23:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus Christ.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-03-31 23:53:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha.
Submitted by Jaineix (user info) at 2004-03-31 19:05:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If only I could go higher than +2.
Submitted by Jays567 (user info) at 2004-03-31 17:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Muppets, Murder, Masterbation...I love it.
Submitted by marsimouse (user info) at 2004-03-31 17:15:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sick yes, as well as highly entertaining
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-03-31 16:48:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
good.
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-03-31 16:39:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Response because too many muppet posts today. =)
Both disturbed muppet posts at that.
Good work.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-03-31 15:42:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
shit i may have to change my predictions after reading this.
Submitted by markthyme (user info) at 2004-03-31 14:06:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oddly enough wasn't Big Bird's friend called "SNUFFy"?
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-03-31 13:52:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, great work!
Submitted by Coffeeisgood (user info) at 2004-03-31 13:22:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Love homicidal muppets!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-03-31 12:36:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
flat out awesome dude
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-03-31 12:35:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pure gold.
This isn't getting attention because the Madness bracket got announced today.
Submitted by McMuffin (user info) at 2004-03-31 12:27:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good, Very very good. I actually nearly pissed myself there.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2004-03-31 12:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seek help immediately.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2004-03-31 12:11:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I knew it wasn't going to get a good response. Every time I write something and think it's complete shit, and I'm wary of even posting it, it comes back with 35 ratings at 1.9. Every time I write something that I think is great, it gets 3 or 4 reviews. I'm completely out of line with expectations.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-03-31 12:00:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. This deserves a much better response.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-03-31 11:19:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I saw the letters "P" & "Y" and # "7", and I immediately counted on my fingers the number of letters in the word "pussy"
I guess I'm just a sick fuck.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-03-31 11:13:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHEEZER! Yes! Remember Wheezer!