They're Not Like Us (594 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 0.5 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by gascs (View user info) at 2004-04-01 17:04:04 EST
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
Dogs. They're not like us. They're not as good as us. They don't communicate well. They don't bathe regularly. Just TRY to get one to make you a nonfat caramel mocha latte with extra whipped cream to go, the result will only be about 75% as good as what you'd get at Auto Zone. I try to explain this to my dog, but he just doesn't get it. He just looks back at me with excitement in his eyes, anxiously waiting for me to shut the hell up so that he can go lick his balls or bark at some blowing leaves or chase Whoopi Goldberg (no, silly, not the dog across the street, the washed-up actress).
Seriously, though, think about it. What can a dog do that a human can't? Not much. Can a dog organize the invasion of a foreign country? No, only the most sophisticated humans can do that. Can a dog organize a successful marketing campaign? No, they might APPEAR in beer ads. They're hardly ever in charge of MAKING them. Can a dog have a long-lasting beloved TV show that teaches something about life and love? Well, actually, yes, I guess that's not such a good example, but that was at least, like, 400 years ago, so I don't think it counts.
Despite the efforts of telemarketers, scientists, and politicians, not to mention the constant junk e-mail that I get in attempts to convince me to "lengthen my penis" or "come see nasty whores have sex with a wombat and Hank Azaria", I still don't believe that dogs are a species even in the same league as humans. Everyone I know seems to disagree about this notion. They're always telling me, "Dogs are better than humans" or, "Humans aren't as good as dogs" or, "Why are you wearing a sandwich as a hat" or other similarly crazy statements. To end the debate for all time, then, I have conducted a series of tests of wit, endurance, and sheer tenacity, to illustrate who is, in fact, better, and consequently, CHAMPION OF THE UNIVERSE. As test subjects, I have chosen my cousin, Ralph, and my aunt's dog, Kicker.
Ralph is a fine specimen to represent the human race. At 4'3" and 234 lbs, his size and weight should be enough to carry him through this contest.
Kicker is in top form as well. At 2'4" and 55 lbs, he may use his small size, overactive bladder, and underdog status (HAHAHA WTF OMG, that's funny stuff) to overcome the competition.
To keep the playing field level, both are 12 years old.
Test #1: Algebra.
I was afraid Kicker might dominate this competition, what with my cousin Ralph being the human equivalent of the bigger rat in Animaniacs and all. Fortunately, even the dumbest humans are smarter than the smartest dogs. When I wrote down 10 algebra problems on a piece of paper, Ralph gave it a puzzled look before spending an hour trying to figure them out. He got 1 right. That's still better than Kicker - he just gave the paper a blank stare before pissing on it.
WINNER: Humans. Ralph, you might get an 'F' in life, but one correct is better than urine. At least I'm pretty sure it is.
Test #2: Long-distance phone call.
Ralph had no problem sitting down with the phone and dialing his grandmother for a long conversation about school, his parents, school again, his parents again (she's had a short memory ever since Mr. T bit her nose and stole her wallet), and whether or not he's eating well (and he obviously is, over and over again).
Amazingly enough, Kicker was able to get the receiver down, and push enough buttons to make the call. When the voice on the other line picked up, I heard "Dis is Govnah Schwarzenegger shpekkink" come through the earpiece. Kicker looked confused, like he couldn't quite understand what he was saying, so I cut this one off early. Kicker then proceeded to piss on the phone.
WINNER: I've got to call this one a draw. I couldn't understand either.
Test #3: Running.
I was a little wary of doing this event, being that Ralph is much faster when riding in a car or falling down the stairs, but definitely not attempting to propel his fat jiggly ass forward with his fat jiggly legs. As I set up the tape, Kicker has a look of pride and determination in his eyes I've yet to see paralleled in Ralph, Tina Yothers, Mayim Bialik, or any other stock fat kid. When I say go, Kicker is off like a bat out of hell, or whatever place bats happen to be coming from this time of year.
Ralph, run your fucking fat ass to the finish line. Run like there's a Denny's on the other side and the lady is taking the bacon off of the breakfast buffet. Run. God, you're a fat bastard. I scream all of this at Ralph as he attains top speed by falling down and rolling on the ground, just 20 feet short of his start.
Kicker easily made it to the finish line, and then came back to piss on Ralph.
WINNER: Dogs. Ralph, stop rolling on the ground. Your lungs aren't bleeding. Go take a shower.
Test #4: Nerf Fencing.
I wasn't sure about this one. I gave Kicker one of the swords and he just started chewing it up, before pissing on it. Given that the Nerf Fencing kit is one of Ralph's favorite toys, he proceeded to beat the sweet-Jesus-loving shit out of Kicker with the his foam rubber weapon with a rage that would lead you to believe he was Gandhi incarnate. If you haven't seen a comically fat kid repeatedly hit a dog with a long squishy stick, I suggest you go out and stage such a scene yourself.
WINNER: Humans, Kicker never saw such a life-altering beating coming.
Test #5: Opposable thumb-having.
Haha, Kicker, let's see how you pull this one off. Only millions of years of evolution can accomplish that, and you've just haven't been trying hard enough.
WINNER: Humans. That's right, asshole. Oh, yeah, for continuity's sake: Kicker pisses on something.
Test #6: Ball-licking.
I was almost certain the human race would have this one, due to the centuries of concentrated effort and desperate lusting after the holy grail of contortionism, but Ralph is too fat to touch his own toes. The dog is just a lot more flexible, and has a lot more experience. To celebrate, Kicker let out a little bit on the bathroom floor (maybe THAT could explain why there's always a little puddle by the urinal at work).
To add insult to injury, Ralph's mother caught wind of the competition at this point, and, needless to say, seeing her son trying to go down on himself didn't go over so well with her, especially since Kicker just pissed on the floor.
WINNER: Dogs. But that's not going to cause humans to stop trying.
Haha, dogs! You're not so cool now, are you? Even with the ball-licking victory, the score's 3-2, humans up. It's indisputable. I now expect you to be subservient and depend on us for every living need. From now on, dogs will serve as guardians and paper-fetchers to the superior species, humans. Do you hear that?!?
HUMANS, CHAMPIONS OF THE UNIVERSE.
User Reviews
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-05-26 04:32:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I wouldn't say it was mediocre, but my opinion is biased, because I lost to this. Even though I did get more votes...
I am unofficially better than gascs, who was better than everyone but Razor.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-05-26 02:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aaaaaaaaaaack. It was mediocre.