Jimbo takes on Austin Powers (1570 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Geting_My_Shit_Ruined
Rating: 1.57 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-04-02 16:28:05 EST
I was on the crosstown shuttle the other day. Smelly, crowded, noisy, it was (and is) always a really unpleasant experience. My car was in the shop for an oxygen sensor, so I had to take the shuttle to work. I was lucky enough to get a piece of the handrail near the door. Sitting down next to me was a happy, smiling kid, who evidently had just seen the first Austin Powers movie. I say that because the kid wouldn't shut up about it. He kept spouting lines in a really bad Austin Powers accent.
"Yeah, baby!" he yelled with furious glee, "That's my bag, baby! It's a bit nutty!"
"It's a man, baby! A man!"
"Yeah, baby!"
"That's my bag!"
"It's a bit nutty!"
For twenty straight minutes the kid repeated the same lines over and over again, until the sound filled my head and threatened to drive me over the cliffs of reason. I winced. I shuddered. I tried to put it out of my mind. I wanted to vomit on him. Anything to make it stop. Nothing. I got nothing. The kid was really making me crazy uncomfortable, you dig?
"I'm having trouble with the VOLUME OF MY VOICE!!"
Really, I had had enough. I had to do something for the forces of right. Justice demanded that I get the kid shut his honker.
"Excuse me, hi there, do you think you might be able to shut the fuck up for two seconds?"
Immediately, I knew I had gone too far. The bus became deafening in its silence as everyone turned to stare at me. Uh oh. The kid looked like he was about to cry. In that instant, it clicked in my head. The kid was retarded. Not dumbass retarded, but honest-to-god full on Corky style. I have no idea why I never caught on to it until just then, but suddenly I looked like the cruelest dick in the world. I felt strongly compelled to mitigate the damage and hurriedly spat out an apology.
"Hey, kid. I'm sorry, it's just that everyone has seen that movie and it's a bit overdone, you know? I mean that bitch came out in like 1902, you know what I'm saying?"
He just stared at me, along with all the other passengers. It was starting to get a bit uncomfortable. I was praying to Allah for my stop to come up ASAFP. The kid pouted with tears forming in his bulging crazy eyes, and I felt even more like a jackass.
"My Mom wouldn't let me watch it 'til I turned sisteen, okay mister? She says it's in-prop-ate for kids."
That's the way he said it. Sisteen. In-prop-ate. Right then I felt it was fucking in-prop-ate for me to keep talking with the fellow. I couldn't form a damn rebuttal anyway. What do you say to that shit? The bus stopped. Aaarrrgh! Not my stop. Hah ha! It was HIS stop. Whew, that was a bit uncomfortable, but he's getting off now, no harm, no foul, I thought.
"Okay, take it easy, Austin," I joked to him as he got up to leave.
He looked like I slapped him. He shrieked after me as he loped down the steps.
"My name's not Austin!! My name is JIMMY!! You are a MEAN PERSON, MISTER!! A MEAN PERSON!! You are a SMELLY MEAN PERSON!!"
And with that, he was gone, with a triumphant look on his goofy face. I'll admit now, though, that it wouldn't have mattered if he had stayed on the bus. I had no retort to that one. I like to think I'm a pretty quick-witted guy, but my ass got owned by Austin Powers that day.
"Yeah, baby!!"
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 13:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-03 15:25:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<snigger>
... Yeah baby!
Submitted by cf7 at 2004-04-03 11:23:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-03 11:01:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I still love that pic.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-04-03 06:48:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, that's my mug.
Here's the post it came from: http://www.ubersite.com/m/24235
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-04-02 22:52:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
is that your picture?
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-02 22:40:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-02 20:09:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ill read this later. This +2 is just for your face.
Nobody's face ,save LSM, is that funny to look at.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-02 18:56:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
bleh...i thought the "it's a bit nutty" was in the 2nd austin powers movie, but then again they were all pretty much the same
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-04-02 18:47:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Uber at its best
Submitted by foster (user info) at 2004-04-02 18:43:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
scary.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-02 18:37:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-02 18:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was better than all the ubermadness posts combined... but is that really saying much?
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-04-02 17:18:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate you, Jimbo.
Really, really hate you.
You write stuff like this, when people like me have to save up our juice for Übermadness?
You're a mean, mean, smelly person.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by FleetEnemaBadass (user info) at 2004-04-02 16:32:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Guess what? I just took a shit. In KoolMang's lap.
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-04-02 16:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn at least you didn't crack him one