Kerplop: Onomatopoeia that changed the course of my day (1311 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ess2s2 (View user info) at 2004-04-03 20:42:08 EST
Firstly, I would like to point out that "onomatopoeia", meaning a word that is patterned around the sound it is intended to represent, is likely my least favorite word in the english language. No matter how hard I try, I can't spell it without looking it up. The fact that I can spell "supercalifragilistic" or "antidisestablishmentarianism" before I can spell "onomatopoeia" is a testament to how much I hate this word.
************************************************************************
Kerplop. Such an unassuming word. It rolls off the tongue in such a fashion as to almost sound cuddly. NOTHING could be further from the truth.
Public bathrooms, they are strange spaces in the world, and as most people who have been in one can attest, they are ideal stages for awkward moments and ligering embarrassment. Not only are they a place to relieve one's body of waste, they also serve as a reminder that privacy is sacred, and easily invaded upon.
I knew all these things before today, but had never taken them to heart.
Just so you know, I have never had a problem with using the facilities in a public restroom. Whereas certain people have an entirely understandable aversion to whipping out their family jewels in an unfamiliar or semi-private setting, I am far more driven by the steadily increasing pressure in my nether regions throughout the course of a normal day.
Today is Saturday and unfortunately I had to go into work today. I have since reflected how things would have gone differently had I not been required to be at work today. But in the end, I realize it is all a moot point.
Around lunchtime, as I was working, I realized I had to drop the kids off at the pool, I had to drown a mud bunny, I needed to perform a number 2, I had an enemy at the gates. I had to poop.
I left my workspace and made my way down the hall to the men's bathroom. I greeted some co-workers in the hall and held the door for an attractive young woman en-route. There was no real sense of urgency. As I entered the restroom and arbitrarily chose a stall at the far end of the room, I discovered I was almost happy. Perhaps it was an omen of things to come, as of this writing, I cannot say.
Now, by this time, the word kerplop coupled with a number two in the commode may have you thinking you know where this story goes. It seems obvious right? Right.
I quickly swiped at the seat with a small wad of TP, then layed the ass-gasket down. I then lowered my trousers and sat. I will mercifully spare you the actual event, but suffice it to say that it was somewhere between soft-serve ice cream and beef stew.
I started to rise, peeling the protective toilet seat guard from my ass cheeks (I hate that). I wiped clean and stood fully up to retrieve my pants. They were halfway up when I heard it:
"Kerplop!"
I dropped my waistband and snapped my head around. In the split second that it took me to do this, I had fully realized my primary fear.
A man's wallet is the is the centerfuge of his life when outside of his home. Within it is contained many a different type of portable support system. From money, to ATM cards, to phone numbers scribbled on scraps of paper, to crucial means of identification, the standard man's wallet is jam packed with things that keep his world revolving in the proper direction. The reason people go postal and shoot up entire office buildings full of people is because their wife or child unwittingly rearranged their wallet. Men's wallets are their sanity, their security, their anchor.
My anchor was floating in the porclain sea, serenely navigating the maze of brown icebergs. A single word slipped out from my trembling lips.
"Shit."
Shit was right. Shit was perfectly befitting of this particular situation. Shit was my primary problem at this point.
As far as I have been able to determine, there is no easy or simple way of dealing with a situation such as this one. Of course, I don't claim to be an expert on dropping my wallet in a shit filled toilet. Up until today, I was a wallet dropping virgin.
After careful consideration and the fact that my poor wallet looked to be in danger of sinking, I decided the best course of action was to be direct. I reached down and used my index and thumb as a sort of coin-operated claw game and gingerly fished my wallet out of the satanic soup that I myself had created.
Once the wallet was clear of the toilet bowl, I dropped it on the tile floor and regarded it as if it were some sort of distasteful alien fish. I wiped my hands with some toilet paper and pulled my pants up, mindful not to allow anything else to escape my pockets. I peered over the stall door and thanked my lucky stars no one else was in the bathroom with me. I opened the stall door and kicked my wallet over to the row of sinks.
Already the course of my day had changed. Instead of being back at my workcenter happily drudging along with a task, I was hunched over a sink, washing not only my hands, but my wallet and all its contents as well.
Unfortunately, fate wasn't on my side, just as I had started with my driver's licence, my boss walked into the room.
"Hey man, I wondered where you--" An awkward silence filled the room as the last syllable of my boss's greeting echoed off the tile. "What the fuck are you doing?"
I remember muttering something about wallet lice, but he wasn't fooled for a split second. He screamed laughter as he rushed back to the shop to tell everyone else what had happened. I looked in the mirror and watched as the pallid man looking back at me turned a bright shade of red. I eventually finished cleaning all of my wallet's implements and wrapped them all in paper towels as I made my way back to my workcenter. "Kerplop" had indeed changed the course of my entire day as I found no relent in my co-worker's jibes and barbs about keeping an eye on my ass.
Kerplop. It still sends a shudder of embarrassment and revulsion up my spine.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-12-17 11:34:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RPharazon (user info) at 2006-12-17 11:21:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's why I don't keep my wallet in the back pocket of my pants.
Usually because it could be easily stolen and it hurts to sit down on it.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-04 17:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gish (user info) at 2004-07-20 20:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ubersite - Where poopie and people meet.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-04-04 19:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit indeed.
you just lived out one of my ultimate fears. congrats.
i hate peeling off the protective toilet seat assguard as well.
but it sure as hell beats having countless numbers of menz urine particles covering my cheeks.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-04 08:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit!
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2004-04-04 07:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am absolutely terrified of the thought of that. My fear is so great that if I am familiar with the toilet (ie: I know it won't splash water and shit all over the place when flushed due to high water pressure) I'll actually flush while still sitting. This way, even if something drops, it will drop in somewhat clean water. Maybe not sanitary water, of course, but at least not teaming with urine and feces cocktail.
Either way, I still might do that weird hip move you see pole vaulters do to get over the bar to keep any valuables away from the threat of a poop dive.
OCD hard at work ...for good reason.
Werd.
Submitted by Scientifik (user info) at 2004-04-04 03:11:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear to god, dropping my cellphone/wallet/car keys in the shitter is my WORST NIGHTMARE, I've thought about it so many times and am grateful it hasn't happened to me.
(knock on wood)
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-04-04 01:23:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was hilarious. Truly awesome
Submitted by maleficent1 <maleficent1111.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-04-04 00:24:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the laugh, I normally am not amused by guys and their scatalogical fascination, but this one got me. well done
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-04-04 00:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Now, by this time, the word kerplop coupled with a number two in the commode may have you thinking you know where this story goes. It seems obvious right? Right."
that was exactly what i was thinking at that point!
very good.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-04-04 00:05:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't it supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?
I liked the story though.
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-04-03 22:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
deep pockets are a blessing.
But then you could also carry a purse like Hidden does.
-Turtle
Submitted by SumYumGuy (user info) at 2004-04-03 22:12:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My anchor was floating in the porclain sea, serenely navigating the maze of brown icebergs. A single word slipped out from my trembling lips.
"Shit."
Shit was right. Shit was perfectly befitting of this particular situation. Shit was my primary problem at this point.
I laughed like an iiot when I read this
Submitted by vibeka <vibekamaarja-mail.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-04-03 22:06:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by brown_eyes (user info) at 2004-04-03 21:49:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hee hee! this is so funny! Although my pants pockets are too tight to fit anything into to even risk dropping anything in the toilet. here's a kicker of all ass rating silly you!
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-04-03 21:38:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's a story about a guy who dropped his wallet into a shit filled toilet. You don't hear that everyday. This is what makes Ubersite so good.
Malone
Lucifer Industries LLC
Submitted by ess2s2 (user info) at 2004-04-03 21:07:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cell phones are pretty slippery aren't they?
Tom - I would say that you have no idea, but you do.
Submitted by Cassiopeia (user info) at 2004-04-03 21:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have also had that happen with my cellphone...
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-04-03 20:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By far the best I have read on Uber all night - dare I say all week?! Ah, the vivid imagery.
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2004-04-03 20:54:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had the same thing happen with my cell phone. Fucking kerplop
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-04-03 20:50:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff, I can spell shit like that but I have issues spelling "skwirl". You know, those nut eating animals? Also I can do calculus but adding and subtracting is hard for me.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-04-03 20:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wallet lice! hah!
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-04-03 20:44:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahahaha. Man you are having something of a hard time lately aren't you?