How Denver got his Groove Back - A Psychological Dissertation regarding the prevalence of perpetual eco-myths in a post-modern cartoon-orientated 1980s society by Dr. Smart G. McTelevision Dude. (725 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0.75 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Enraged Baboon (View user info) at 2004-04-04 07:42:55 EDT
Denver is the last Dinosaur. Denver kicks ass. The main attributes of Denver include a guitar and awesome sunglasses. Denver was born in a swamp but discovered by 1980s American schoolchildren who fitted the typical perceptions of what a suburbanite stereotype of the time should look like. All of them were blonde except for the token black guy who of course had black hair [it would be pretty weird for a black person to have blonde or even red hair].
Dinosaurs aren't born alive. These children found Denver in an egg which soon cracked. Since slime-covered baby reptiles with gnashing teeth are so cute the fun-loving kids decided to keep Denver. Of course high jinks were never far away from the newly formed Last Dinosaur Crew [a subsidiary of the Crips and Last Mohican corporations].
Each week Denver had to fight off new bad guys. The reason for this is of course that Denver was a dinosaur. I'm not sure how this explains anything [perhaps bad guys are attracted to dinosaurs or dinosaurs who own guitars] but please remember that Denver had access to both a leather jacket and a set of sunglasses. Coupled with these accessories, Denver - who may I remind you is a dinosaur with a brain the size of a walnut - managed to outsmart every eco villain network television could throw at him. Denver was very concerned about the environment, and when Denver got concerned, he tended to send bad guys to jail. That's just how he got his dinosaur groove on.
This MacGyver-like tendency of Denver to win against all odds eventually imbued the audience with a rising sense of betrayal. People began to question the veracity of the show's claims: could a dinosaur really play a guitar? And furthermore: why didn't the dinosaur just eat its friends? They were, after all, human. Dinosaurs were supposed to eat humans, weren't they? After all, that's why humans are extinct and dinosaurs are still around.... wait, maybe I'm digressing.
The point is: audiences were sick of Denver. Sure he had a smooth charm and a cool set of sunglasses but was this reptilian biped the real deal? Behind all the gloss and flash of the cameras was Denver really the last dinosaur or just a facile creation of jaded studio bigwigs? The ratings betrayed the truth when the public were too scared to admit it: Denver no longer had the magic. It was time for a new name in show business.
Enter Widget.
Widget was a fast talking purple alien who could kick your ass in a contest: if only the contest was about recycling. If the contest is about anything else, Widget will get his ass kicked. But if the contest is about recycling you are fucking gonna die. Widget crashed on the planet when his space ship ran out of fuel.
Naturally, instead of trying to find a way off the planet, Widget teamed up with a bunch of stupid little kids [note the denver the last dinosaur similarities, we will return to this thread later, i.e., it will be on the test] so they could fight crime. And not just any type of crime. Widget was out there putting his ass on the line to fight the worst types of criminals in the world: Polluters!
Astute readers - and fans of the TV series - will note that Widget crashed to Earth in a *space ship*. Presumably this space ship did a lot of polluting on the 900,000 light year trip from the planet Widget to the planet Earth. But we'll ignore that telling fact for now, or will we?
Widget continued on his merry way for a while but it all seemed to good to be true. Come on... a little purple alien running around killing the most kickass bad guys our world has to offer? Are we expected to believe that with all the quality bad people on Earth it only takes a little purple alien to take care of them? Its all just a little convenient, isnt it? It's sort of like the networks were trying to tell us something in subliminal messages:
"DON'T WORRY, SOCIETY! A LITTLE PURPLE ALIEN AND A LARGE GREEN DINOSAUR ARE OUT THERE FIGHTING FOR YOU. THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE. MOVE ALONG."
well i don't buy it.
Widget got old after a while... sure, kids liked to see polluters getting their shit ruined [who doesnt? *muffled snort*] but even kids know that when youre up against multinational corporations with diversified asset bases in the media, manufacturing, and military industries you are going to need more than a purple alien and a green dinosaur to fix things. So Widget went the way of Denver and once again the world was safe. Or was it?
Not long after a little character by the name of Captain Planet decided to pay a visit to our TV screens. Captain Planet seemed innocuous enough: he was a super hero. he killed bad guys. he could fly. How does this relate to the criminal conspiracy involving widget and denver the last dinosaur, you might ask. WELL LOOK CLOSELY FRIENDS. notice any links between our good friend captain *planet* and the alien/dinosaur duo?
that's right. they're all obsessed with the environment. in the concurrent worlds of captain planet, widget, and denver the last dinosaur, people only commit crimes so they can laugh at the environment. here is an example:
BAD GUY: hahahaha as soon as i spend 900 million dollars of my own money i can finally kill the environment. the reason i am doing that is that, like all criminals, i dont care about money and i only care about killing the environment because i think it is fun.
WIDGET: NOT SO FAST, DUDE. YOU ARE BAD AND YOU MUST STOP CAUSE I R ALIEN.
BAD GUY: oh damn - my shit is ruined. i guess i wont be able to waste 900 million dollars of my own money on a stupid 'diabolical plan' that won't benefit me in any material way.
WIDGET: A likely story. take him away, boys.
after this happens the police will take the bad guy away [please note: police officers often listen to small purple aliens]. and the story seems to end happily. but does it really?
i posit that denver the last dinosaur, widget, and captain planet are all ecological criminals who have framed their enemies and kept the public in the dark about their heinous crimes against society. oh i know it sounds far fetched at first, but if you think about it what better way to hide from accusations of eco-terrorism than to become an eco-warrior yourself? its genius, so genius that it almost escaped even MY attention.
examine the facts: widget was flying a space ship before he landed on earth. space ships use a lot of fuel and that fuel ruins the environment... wouldnt a real eco warrior simply ride his bike through space? it would seem to be much more eco-friendly. and what was widget carrying on his space-ship? we, the public, will never know. instead of reporting his crash to the proper authorities, widget chose to hide his vehicle in the bushes so nobody would ever find it. do these seem like the actions of an innocent 'world watcher'? i dont think so.
Captain Planet is obviously in on the scheme. his gang of kids [notice how all these criminals are even indoctrinating children both in their tv shows and in real life - it is truly repulsive] all flew around in - you guessed it - another space ship. I'm sure the executives at shell and halliburton were glad to see the wanton ignition of fossil fuels portrayed so positively on a show supposedly concerned about the conservation of our environment.
and denver the last dinosaur is hardly an innocent bystander in this foul charade. sure, he may seem lovable with his guitar and his leather jacket, but I ASK YOU ladies and gentlemen, where exactly was Denver found for the first time? That's right my friends, he was found in a *tar pit*. they found him wallowing in the stinking fossil fuels he would so dearly like to burn into our atmosphere for profit. along with his accomplices widget and captain planet, denver the last dinosaur has been plotting to take over the world by framing fictitious 'bad guys' for the ecological crimes that are destroying our world [prime examples of ecological crimes: the birth of michael jackson, the invention of the richard simmons, and the destruction of jake the snake's career]. for too long the people of this world have been held hostage to the despicable whims of these cartoon crime moguls, and i for one am sick of it.
you, denver the last dinosaur, make me sick.
User Reviews
Submitted by enraged_baboon (user info) at 2004-04-05 01:43:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
megabrain!
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-04 18:22:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Longest fucking title ever, baboon.
Submitted by govenator (user info) at 2004-04-04 13:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well written.
On a side note, Jake the Snake was arrested
in my town about two years ago for drunk driving.
That was that last time I heard anything about him.
Submitted by FleetEnemaBadass (user info) at 2004-04-04 11:55:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Malone's a...
Gay Ubersite, user from the south,
Malone'll take what you pee out of and put it in his mouth.
Malone works all day with a great big smile
and he carries a large lunch pail,
and after work, its off to Ubersite, where he meets his
boyfriend Tom.
They love the posts, love to bitch, (hey)
sometimes without wearin' pants, (ho)
come on boys lets take the chance,
we'll all change our names to PolyAJ.
everybody...
Malone's a gay Ubersite, user from the south,
Malone'll take what you pee out of and put it in his mouth.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-04 11:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Acarnis, I get the message of love being all powerful. I just think with the active powers of the other four, it's maybe a bit out of place. Hence why he had to save the day so many times. The writers felt sorry for him and wanted to give him a bit of confidence.
Of course the power did rule when it let him communicate with animals...
And that monkey of his was cool.
I want a monkey...... or a panther.
And back to Widget, there is only one episode I remember clearly... That floating brain friend of his got into a fight with some people in a bar or saloon or something about whether the glass was half empty or half full... He said it was the same either way. Or maybe he drunk it... Ok, so I forget a little.... What was the brains name anyway?
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-04-04 10:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree. Let's get the green bastard. He thinks he's so fucking cool with his jacket and glasses.
I'll show him cool dammit. I'll show him cool...
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2004-04-04 09:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ainkara, you're an airhead. They're trying to say that Love is the 5th Element, and it's the strongest of the 5. You'd know this if you understood the the movie called "The 5th Element"...
Oh, and yes...if he has control of their "love" and "heart," then it he CAN control their brains. The cardiac muscle(heart) is controlled by the medulla oblongata(brain stem) via the vagus nerve. Furthermore, emotions are processed in the hypothalamos. Thus, he does affect their brain.
Now, if he was bad little fellow, and had REAL heart control, then he would be able to give heart attacks, strokes, heart murmurs, and insanely high blood pressure with his power. Is that cool enough for you?
Ainkara's geekiness is transmitting around, guys.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-04 08:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written.
Widget was saving the world from polluters? I guess the whole 'world watcher' thing should have tipped me off....
Oh and the planeteers (Captain Planet's TEENAGE followers) flew around in their solar powered space ship thing.
Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! Go Planet! By your powers combined, I am Capatin Planet!
Captain Planet, he's our hero, gonna take pollution down to zero, he's our powers magnified, and he's fighting on the planets side...
On another note, ever notice Mahti's crappy heart power had to save the day all the time? They only did that because they felt sorry for him. Either that or he was able to brainwash the lot of them with his heart ring....
Ok I've displayed my geekyness enough, better cover up..
Submitted by Dr_B_Pittman (user info) at 2004-04-04 08:09:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2