Pardon Me? (623 hits)
Category: UberMadness! Entryno reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JWLMAR10 (View user info) at 2004-04-05 00:58:38 EDT
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Last summer I found myself at an all-day folk music festival in Tennessee. The concert began at about noon and went deep into the night. During the day it was extremely hot. It was truly hotter than a... It was hotter than a... Hotter than a... It was truly hotter than an average day in mid-July! Ha!
As I stood around listening to the joyful sounds of "King Lear and the Death-Jazz Explosion" I realized that I hadn't started drinking yet. I quickly made my way through the crowd to the nearest beer vendor and bought the largest beer they had. I downed it within five minutes and made my way back to the vendor. Four large beers and Thirty-two dollars later I was feeling pretty good.
As I stood by enjoying the mellow sounds of "Daryl Strawberry's Instrumental Fire Starters" that feeling suddenly came over me. No, I'm not talking about the feeling you get when you just HAVE to dance (I already had that feeling). I'm talking about the feeling that you get when you have to urinate very badly all of a sudden. It starts in your no-no area and causes a flushing of burning desire throughout your body; the burning desire to pee.
I looked around and surveyed the scene for a possible outlet for my liquid waste. No bathroom was in sight. I tapped the nearest person to me. It was an old man with a large beer-belly.
"Pardon me? Do you know where the bathroom is?"
"No siree. I just got here, sorry buddy."
I continued asking people where the restroom was hoping that someone might be able to help me before a possible catastrophe.
"Pardon me? Do you know where the bathroom is?"
"Nope. Sorry"
"Pardon me? Do you know where the bathroom is?"
"Nah, man. Do you know where my friend is? He's not wearing a shirt and he has a beard... No, ok."
"Pardon me? Do you know where the bathroom is?"
"..."
I could see that I was getting nowhere asking these fools. I was on my own. I walked around for a full ten minutes trying to find the bathroom but I found nothing, not even a secluded bush. I was almost ready to walk into the crowd and hope that nobody would see me whip out my jabberwocky and relieve myself. Then I saw the glorious answer to my problems.
In the center of the giant lawn's downward slope was a giant slip-n-slide. People who wanted to cool off were diving head-first down this water slide of joy. My use of the slip-n-slide was going to be different, however.
I got behind the four people waiting for their turn. They were already soaking wet and seemed to be having a great time. I almost felt bad for what I was about to do, but then I figured most of these people were too drunk and stoned to care anyway. It was going to be a victimless crime... sort of.
Within seconds it was my turn to take the plunge. As I hit the slide and felt the water soak my clothes I released the contents of my bladder. It felt wonderful. Unfortunately the slide only lasted for about five seconds and I needed much more time. At the end of the slide I decided to just lay face down on the plastic and finish the job. About twenty seconds later, as I was finishing up, a young hippy girl walked up and asked if I was ok.
"I am awesome!" I replied as I got up and walked off proudly in my soaked clothes. I looked back and saw the next slider go down the length of the slide face-first. He got up as he was spitting water out of his mouth and when he got up he jumped in the air yelling, "that was awesome!" I grinned and decided that I was a very bad man.
I returned to the crowd and listened to some more acts. I kind of smelled like urine for the rest of the concert, but I don't think anyone noticed. As night fell, the music of "Felatio73" had me bouncing my head and tapping my foot like no other. Then a similar feeling hit me all of a sudden. This time I didn't have to pee. Just in case you don't follow me, I had to take a dump. I looked back at the slip-n-slide. Nope, that was not going to help me this time. I began to ask around again.
"Pardon me? Do you know where the restroom is?"
"Nope, sorry man."
Just as I was about to ask another person I looked back at the slip-n-slide. At the base of the slip-n-slide where much of the water was gathering were a group of people mud-wrestling. "No way" I thought. "I just can't... or can I?"
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