"Mister, you're better off french-kissin' a cobra." (793 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 0.66 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kgbpasha (View user info) at 2004-04-05 05:39:02 EDT
Now, I'll try to keep this short and sweet-like.
I had been hot on his trail for the last three weeks and just when I was thinkin' that
the trail was gettin' cold...
I stepped through the swingin doors and moved to the left by the bar. My eyes were adjusting
slowly to the dark tavern. First thing I noticed where the blades. He had one in his left hand
which he was using to carve on the bar. He was at the far end and he never looked up at me. I
knew it was him because the other six or so cowboys in this cantina were all trying to act like
they weren't paying him any attention.
I could see the fear in their eyes as they sipped their watered down whiskeys. "El Cuchillo"
had a bounty on his head. I planned to claim this bounty. Only one of us would be leaving
Las Campanas on horseback tonight. In fact, only one of us would be leaving "La Puta" cantina
alive. I had plans on it being me.
As I was contemplating my next move, (I'm really not that good of a bounty hunter I must admit
now to you reader), in fact this is my first attempt at a bounty, so bear with me if I seem a
little hesitant. Speaking of bears, "El Cuchillo" was in fact a bear. This is the information
that I had, but I could now clearly see that it was wrong. I'd never come across a bear with
whiskers such as these. Maybe he was part coyote or hellcat, I don't know, but he sure as shit
wasn't any regular brown bear. Fact of the matter is, his coat was blue.
Anyway, the barkeep set down a sniffer or maybe a snifter, never did find out actually and he
asked me, "Howdy stranger, whatcha havin'?"
I responded with, "Martini, shaken...not stirred." He apparently didn't understand my request
because all he said was, "Mister,you're better off french-kissin' a cobra," and handed me a whiskey
bottle. I quickly downed half of it on the spot to gather my nerve for what I was about to do.
"Hey blue-beared whisker freak! That's right, I'm talkin' to you, you stuffed piece of shit!"
At this point I've lost all sense of volume control.
"I'm here to kill blue bears and drink whishkey...<hiccup> and I'm all outa whizzkey!" At this
point the barkeep was motioning to the still half full bottle when I got up and turned my dusty
body toward "El Cuchillo".
The next thing I remember is the barkeep telling everyone, "Stand back varmints, I think he's
comin' to!"
Later I found out what happened. "El Cuchillo" had stuck me with 2 of his throwing knives before
I had even gotten fully off my barstool. This had made me fall back against a table and somehow
my Smith&Wesson had discharged sending a bullet up at the ceiling precisely above "El Cuchillo"
where it had then severed a wire that was holding of all things a horn from a rhino. This
hit the blue bear in the forehead just as he looked up to see what the snapping sound was. Even
later, I was told, the rhino horn had actually only knicked him. What killed him was a
well-aimed frisbee from a stranger who had been standing in a shadowy corner. Later I found out
that it was Willy Nelson. Fucking Willy always gets his bounty.
User Reviews
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-05 12:42:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That picture was NASTY. Story was ok.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-04-05 11:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-05 05:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Disgusting picture.