The Unholy Trinity (445 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Quartermain (View user info) at 2004-04-05 15:49:04 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
The Unholy Trinity - How Alcohol, Naïveté, and Quantum Physics Conspired To Keep Me From Getting Laid.
A couple of years back; I spent some time living with four of my friends in a duplex. Being young and stupid, we spent a lot of time seeing how plastered we could get and how long we could maintain that state.
After I had been living there for about six months, one of my neighbours, a guy I had gotten to know somewhat, was sent to Sweden for three months by the company he worked for. He asked me to keep an eye on his house for him, and make sure nothing happened to it.
I remember one Friday evening; I got off of work and met my roommates at a bar down the street where the only picture IDs they cared about were those of former presidents. We had some beers and some food and then went back to the house for more beers and video games. We drank and played video games and drank and played cards and drank and watched ESPN and did I mention we drank? By the time one of my roommate's girlfriends got home, we were at the stage of drunkenness where a bad idea (like, say, another beer, or setting off M-80s in coffee cans) sounds like a really good idea.
SLAM 'Shit, are you fuckers drunk again?'
(Confused looks while we look around to see if she is talking to us.)
'Umm...is this a multiple choice question?' For some reason this response strikes the four of us as pretty funny.
'Shit. Well, some girls from work are coming over, try not embarrass yourselves, AND Y'ALL BETTER KEEP YOUR DAMN CLOTHES ON THIS TIME!!!'
Bedroom door slams
'Dude, what's wrong with your girl?'
'I dunno, maybe she's on the rag. If she is, after tonight, I figure I'll be as Irish as you'
'Why is that?'
'Because I'll have a bloody O'Tool.'
This strikes the four of us as excessively hilarious and deserving of more beers. About 20 minutes later 'the girls from work' arrive. They're a little taken aback at seeing four drunken guys in the house, but we're feeling hospitable and lure them in with the promise of free liquor and four different loud assertions that the other three guys are queerer than plaid rabbits and will be un-inclined to hit on them.
After about 45 minutes of social drinking, I'm talking to this girl and it all of a sudden dawns on me that I'm getting hit on. At this point in my life, this is a brave new experience, but I'm all about trying new things. And then this girl lets out one of the greatest sentences in the English language: 'Is there somewhere we can go and...little smirk)talk?' My suave and debonair response: 'Ummm.....' And then, like a flash of lightning at midnight on the Great Plains, all of a sudden I remember that there is a big old empty house next door that I just happen to have the keys to.
As soon as I find my legs, she helps me walk next door. It takes me a couple of tries to fit the key in the door, but eventually, clean hands and a pure heart triumph again and we stumble in. For some unknown reason, I decide to sit on the living room floor and I'm surprised when, out of nowhere, this girl all of a sudden appears and snuggles up to me.
Yes, I had forgotten she was there. Did I mention that I had been drinking for about six hours straight at this point? Plus, both women and sex were pretty much a closed book to me at this point and I was still fairly clueless about what was going on here. I did put my arm around her, though. This overbalances me and causes me to fall on my back.
(Hey, I can see out the skylight! Look, stars...cool.)
She snuggles up again and starts doing something to my neck.(I wonder what she's doing to my neck)
'Do you know that, technically, light from the stars never reaches the Earth?'
'What?'
(What's she doing with that hand? Oh. How'd she know I had an itch there? Weird.)'Yeah, the universe is constantly expanding, so according to quantum physics, technically, the light never gets here.'
'Hunh.' She starts doing something with her shirt, but my attention is on other heavenly bodies at the moment.
(Whoa. Should I tell her her shirts come unbuttoned? Naahh.)'Yeah, it's true. Do you know anything about quantum physics?'
'Sigh.'
(Hey, where is she going? Must be time to leave.) I get to my feet(an involved process) and follow the poor, frustrated girl out of the house, just in time to hear 'Your friend is some kind of fucking idiot or something.'
'What happened with her, dude?'
'I don't know, she must not like stars.'
User Reviews
Submitted by pot8tomanjack (user info) at 2004-05-28 22:39:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment