Let's Try That Again (694 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 2 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brandon Fabish <brandino_the_great.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-05 22:38:41 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
"And God said, 'Let there be light,' and there was; and it was good."
"What are you babbling about now, Thomas, you fool? We've got work to do and no time to do it. Energy and persistence conquer all things. Haven't you got any ideas?"
"Well Ben, if I lived by your proverbs I'd have been dead long ago. They are true in merit, but to do as they say is to live without thought. A penny saved might be a penny earned, but I've been penniless all my life, and things aren't so bad."
"They are about to get infinitely worse if we can't create a new invention within a fortnight."
[Bvvvtt...Bvvttt....BVVVTT..] Screams of agony and despair echo throughout the corridors. A man walks in, hair standing on end, carrying another man atop his shoulders. The man on the bottom appears to be drunk, while the man on his shoulders is peculiarly pointing his fingers this a-way and that.
"Einstein you magnificent drunkard!" boomed Edison. "What are you doing here so early? You're shift isn't until another four hours."
"Eyesh schtink I've made zeh breakzrew," replied Albert in a rather inebriated and heavily accented fashion. A fashion in which no man should torture his ears, nor his mind in an attempt to decipher such drivel.
Albert bows down to one knee like an elephant slipping on a banana peal, in order to let his passenger off. Mr. Einstein droops down onto the floor and foolishly clambers about trying in vain to get back up. His passenger hops onto his feet and away from him, and then decides to help him up.
"Would you like a helpful hand, Al?"
"Schure ting, as long as zat buzzah isn't on zore hand," said Einstein.
Just as Mr. Tesla grabbed Albert's hand a low buzzing noise boomed throughout the immediate area.
[Bvvvtt]
"NICOLA, zoo vitty chump. Help me up before eyez throwschup."
"Ahaha, you drunken slob. A formidable comeback would have at least been worthy, but in your state, I'll allow it to pass."
"You two have been nothing but trouble ever since we agreed to let you work with Thomas and me. Now get up, sit down, and THINK."
By this time Benjamin Franklin was on his last nerve. He was tired and feeling lackluster at best, but he pursued his vision of creating the best invention ever, nonetheless.
[Crackle then smackle followed by a-pitter and a-patter. A storm is for dessert so clean off your platter]
"Vhy don't vee invent zeh vheel?"
"Why don't you shut the hell up, Einstein? You raging buffoon," retorted Thomas wearily.
Unknowingly to the rest of them Mr. Tesla had been in the corner brewing up a hot cauldron full of something. It was well known that although Nicola was a genius of invention, he had an addictive personality. That is to say, he had a sort of 'phobia' for certain things, which explains his actions. He checked the door number and realized they weren't in THE basement, but rather Basement #9. He had a phobia for being in a room that had a number divisible by 3. Such actions followed:
"MORE RELATIVITY THEORY! No. NO! More PROPORTIONAL Relativity Theory. AHA! I've got an idea..."
A light bulb appeared above Nicola's head. Edison grabbed it, shattered it against Einstein's left ear, took out the filament and tossed it into Tesla's bubbling brew. "Take that you drunk bastard."
"Excellent. Light, beautiful light. We need phonograph. Nay, Kinetaphone, or maybe even Kinetascope. I forget which does what... ADD KINET-A-PHON-O-SCOPE-A-GRAPH!"
Without must haste, Edison combined the majority of what was asked for, and tossed them into the pot, which was now bubbling and exploding ferociously.
"What is he doing? Someone tell me what he's doing? This is useless, my friends. We need to invent something practical, and affordable."
"Ben, give me your bifocals. I think Dr. Tesla is right in what he's doing. Something is happening, just look."
Franklin, although defeated at length, gave up arguing and tossed in his bifocals. He then supposed that Tesla was going to use all of their own inventions to create something marvelous, so he decided to go over to the corner and play his water armonica.
"Yes, yes, I'll add some eye of newt, and 1,000 Edison patents. Almost finished."
Nicola Tesla stopped stirring and jumped onto a nearby table, threw his arms into the air, clenched his fists, pointed to fingers at the boiling cauldron and shouted, "Earth, wind, fire, water, GOOO PLANET!"
Fire bolts flew from his fingertips, proving that Edison was a fool for using Direct Current and that he was right all along using Alternative Current. He shot lightening to and fro, and to once again, finally reaching the bubbly goo. He emptied the contents onto the floor using a teslakinetic-like power and started shaping something. The rest were awestruck by this event. Even Einstein seemed to be dreaming what they were all seeing, for when Edison glanced down at a wet puddle that pooled onto Albert's crotch and pathed it's way onto the floor.
The goo was starting to take shape now. A creature of some sort. A behemoth of a beast-man. Features were now becoming distinctive and it looked more like something nature would create than man would ever dream of inventing.
"WAHAHAHY!?" screamed Ben, tears streaming down his face. "He's creating a MONSTER!"
"You're such a baby, Ben. It doesn't even look like Frankenstein."
[An echo boomed, "It's pronounced STEEN."]
At last, the feat was accomplished and Tesla slumped to the floor completely fatigued. He curled into a ball, and started suckling his thumb.
"Wh-what is it?" stuttered Franklin as he and Edison drew nearer. "Do you think it was something he dreamed of as a child?"
"Hardly Ben," replied Edison with a pleasurable look on his face. He knelt over and touched the object. The texture was nice; nearly flawless. And the shape, it was masterfully created to almost perfection. "It's a dildo. Let's try that again tomorrow night."
"Well, since we're here..." said Ben with a wry smirk on his face. "Ease it in slowly now, don't - BOIF!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-12-05 23:04:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks DonovanMD. It's comments like yours that make me want to start submitting my writing again.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2004-12-05 21:55:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks Fabish. One of the better Uber site minds