Old Home Movies: Let's Talk About Sex (2595 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.8 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2004-04-06 17:52:55 EDT
When my parents were together, at one time we lived in a nice apartment complex. After about a year or so living there, our newspapers started mysteriously disappearing off the front porch. Every morning my dad would go outside to grab the paper but it wouldn't be there. He figured one of the neighbors was taking it, so he set the camcorder up to see if we could catch the perpetrator in the act. One problem though:
The blinds of our window were wide open, plus he left the porch light on when he started recording. A little obvious I believe.
Just last night I was bored, so I popped in another old home video, this one happened to be the 'security footage'. 16 whole hours of nothing but the front porch. I had never watched the video all the way through before, so I decided to fast forward to see what I could pick up. The window happened to be up, so you could pretty much hear everything that went on outside as the camera was rolling. The contents of the tape proved to be quite interesting.
Near hour one, I was riding my bike back and forth across the camera(I was about 7 at the time). You can hear my dad from inside the house, "Justin! If you ride in front of peoples' doors again, I'm going to give you an ass beating." I was a fucking idiot-- ten minutes later my bike passes the camera again. You can see my dad follow suit about three seconds after that. Then he drags me past the camera and gives me a beating of a lifetime. It's not caught on tape, too bad, because I can probably use that against him now.
Nothing happens for a few hours except the occasional neighbor walking by. We had a couple that lived across from us that hated our guts and you could hear them talking about us in the distance..
"It's finally quiet around here. Those good for nuthin' pieces of shit with their stupid kids probably went somewhere for the day. They've got the dumbest little boy, I don't want my son hanging around him. I bet he's gonna grow up to be a pothead."
Ha! How wrong she was. I prefer crack. (joke)
At the time of this video, my 14 year old cousin Vanessa was staying with us and was apparently fooling around with another boy her age. I guess the whole family forgot the camera was rolling or my mom wouldn't have said the following on tape:
"Hey Vanessa, c'mere. I know about you and that boy. I know you're not my daughter but while you're living with us I have to look out for you. If you're having sex with him, please use a condom."
"But Ms B----, I don't have a condom and I don't have any money."
"Well me and my husband don't use them anymore. I had my tubes tied. If you're not going to use a condom, at least practice safe fooling around. Give him handjobs, blowjobs and have him eat you out. Or even try anal sex. You can't get pregnant with butt sex."
Did my mother just tell my cousin the benefits of anal sex? Did I want to know that my mom had her tubes tied?! Hell, did I want to know she was still having sex???
My dad never caught the person stealing his papers. As it turns out, his subscription ran out and he forgot to renew it. So it was all done for nothing.
After the tape was running low and the battery in the camera going dead, my dad decided to take it down. He decided to film my mom for a few minutes before the battery died. Unfortunately, mom likes attention and didn't realize that her traumatized son would be watching this tape years later.
She flashed the damn camcorder. I don't have one FAMILY home video without my mom's fucking boobs popping up in it. Huge emphasis on the word FAMILY.
User Reviews
Submitted by tunatwist (user info) at 2004-06-12 03:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
freight_train *must* be gainfully employed at 'dunkin' donuts'---the highlight of his life in rural mississippi (certainly workin' his way into management) and needs to stick to dough, rather than *any* creative output. **shudder**
Submitted by opposable_thumb (user info) at 2004-04-16 18:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-04-16 18:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good read...........Mom's are so secretly scary like that. I rememeber asking my mother what that constant "buzzing" sound was at night when I was 8.........only years later to find out she owned the bigest collection of every dildo you can imagine..........scary
Submitted by AmyRose (user info) at 2004-04-16 17:45:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love thise, they kick so much ass.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-04-13 22:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm reallly glad I don't have tapes of some of the things that have happened over the years.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-08 06:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-08 05:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woooooooo
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-07 18:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When did this happen, this post business? Huh? Huh?
You know you're not allowed to post and not tell everyone, somehow.
I could have made the grave error of missing this if I wasn't curious as to who "willburns" was.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you go girl.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-06 22:47:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-06 21:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would make an inquiry about the hotness of your mom, but that would be mean and wrong.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-04-06 21:20:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'd say more than this, but it'd be pointless
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-04-06 21:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
-1 because all your stories are the same (yawn)
-1 because you quit
-1 because you had sex with your mom
+2 because i am too much of a pussy to give you a -2
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-04-06 20:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-04-06 18:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-04-06 18:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That WOULD be wierd.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-04-06 18:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...you got me. I have not comment.
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-04-06 18:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you just made me answer the fucking phone at WORK "Thank you for calling anal sex realty"
omg, i'm gonna get fired
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-04-06 18:11:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Mr. Q.
Scott James: makes me wet.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-06 18:11:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tehehe
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-06 18:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sideburns gives me the horn.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-04-06 18:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because my best friends mom had the exact conversation with me when I was 14....
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-06 18:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, if you turned out to be an anal sex baby... would your mom have her colon tied?
+2 for another solid tale!
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-04-06 17:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shiggity shiggity schwa?
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-04-06 17:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old Home Movies are back, yay!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-06 17:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll give you a dollar for some boobie videos.