What’s Your Excuse? (937 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fleet Marshall Badass (View user info) at 2004-04-07 02:36:46 EDT
What the fuck is the problem with obese people? What is it that causes these gargantuan monstrosities to eat so much that they become unable to see their feet, or struggle up stairs, or end up BEDRIDDEN because they're so fat? What prevented them from exercising enough so they didn't become the size of a small hippopotamus, and their legs didn't look like they'd suffered hail damage? What, What, WHAT?!?! Let me get this straight: I'm not talking about people who are a bit chubby, yet exercise regularly and keep themselves reasonably fit. I'm talking about big, fat couch potatoes and computer programmers that eat heaps and don't exercise. I've heard various excuses from fat fucks about why they're not thinner, or at least why they're not exercising. Let's go over some of these "reasons" and why in the end they all sound like "WAH WAH WAH; I'M A FAT LAZY FUCK":
"I'M TOO BUSY TO EXERCISE..."
Think again, arsehole! Nobody is too busy to exercise. That is the single worst excuse in the entire Universe for being overweight. What's keeping these fat bastards so busy? Work? School? Children? Bullshit.
Work is no excuse for anything. Think about it: pretty much everybody who works gets anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes a day for breaks, which includes lunch and coffee. First off, regardless of where you work, you can walk for that amount of time. It doesn't matter whether or not you're eating, or talking on the phone, or drinking a coffee; unless you have the coordination of a retard trying to finger paint, you'll be able to walk. Buy baby wipes so you can freshen up after you've walked for thirty minutes. Do that every day. Catch the train instead of driving so you can walk between the station and your place of business.
School involves breaks. It doesn't matter what school it is. I'm at a military university right now, and I still have time to walk for an hour and do calisthenics for thirty minutes each day - plus, all schools contain people who are fit, and they're just as busy. Suck it up and get exercising; it'll help you sleep and study.
And as far as children go, if they don't play organised sport and are fitter than you, you're a fat fuck. We all know that kids under ten don't mind spending time with their parents (after that, hormones kick in and you kids will hate you), so make the fucking most of it! Go to the park and kick a footy with them; take up karate or something with your kids; my Mum did that and she was heaps fitter than my brother and I. It's not hard.
"IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME..."
Bullshit. It's never too late. I've heard people bitch about not exercising earlier and now they weigh 130kgs and can't run. Guess what, fatso? It doesn't matter, and I'm not sympathetic. Some people complain about being to old. My grandmother's one of these people: she's 70 years old 5'3" and weighs about 100kgs. She's a fat woman. And she complains that she's too old to exercise. Meanwhile, there's an 80-year-old man that runs around Australia! Age is no excuse. Here's something fat bastards can do that will help them lose weight:
LEARN TO SWIM.
Swimming is awesome: it works every muscle in your body, and while it the most effective weight loss exercise, it will give you the fitness to do other weight loss exercises, like walking. Walking is awesome for fat people because they take ten steps and their heart rate's already around 130 beats per minute: perfect for weight loss. Keep that up for 20 minutes and you're on your way to being less pathetic. Anyway, back to swimming. You can get chair-lifted into and out of most pools these days, so there's no excuse for not being able to get into the pool. And you don't have to buy swimmers if you don't have the self-esteem to wear them. You can swim in your fucking pyjamas for all I care! Just do it! The other reason for being so fat is that you're eating too much shit. Don't eat that last chicken! You can go without it if you really want to.
"I'VE GOT A GLANDULAR PROBLEM/CHEMICAL IMBALANCE THAT MAKES ME PUT ON FAT."
Some people claim that they're fat because they have some sort of chemical imbalance or bullshit medical whatever that makes them put on fuckloads of weight. So I get technical on their wobbly arse. It's a simple rule of physics: you cannot create 100kgs of extra weight out of nothing. You can convert mass to energy by burning it (i.e. burning fat or carbohydrates), and so you can lose 100kgs of extra weight by getting your fat gut down to the pool, but your glandular disorder will not make you obese unless you put heaps of food into your body. So, here's what you do:
PUT DOWN THE FORK! If you've got a disorder that converts 90% of your diet into fat, then limit your food intake. Everybody has a BMR: a Basal Metabolic Rate; the amount of energy your body will take to function properly. It's different for everybody, but for me it's about 6000kJ. So, if I had a biological disorder that converted everything to fat, I'd eat about as much food as it took to pump my blood, metabolise my food, and get me through my daily routine. And I'd still exercise to keep my body fit, so eventually I could eat more and not have it turn to fat because - and this is very important kids - Unless You Eat Nothing, Your Body Will Not Allow Itself To Die From Starvation. Body chemistry is bullshit, and you know it.
"FOOD IS MY FRIEND BECAUSE NOBODY LIKES ME/I HAD A TRAUMATIC CHILDHOOD..."
This kind of person has no self-esteem and no self-respect. They've either taken to overeating, stopped eating altogether, joined the Mail Service, etc. This is because they see themselves as having no worth. This is a mental illness and it needs to be fixed. And it can be. All you have to do is instead of picking up that bit of fried chicken, pick up the phone and call someone to get some help.
Now, you may not think you have a problem, but if you're 20 years old and you're spending Saturday night in front of the TV eating KFC, you've got a problem, and you will die before you're 50. This kind of person is not alone, and I'm sure that there's someone else nearby with the same problem - there are that many depressed obese people out there that it's phenomenal. Get out there and do stuff. Get those social connections happening and at the very least have a few friends you can talk to. That way, you won't have this excuse for being fat. You'll have some other bullshit excuse for being fat that you can do something about.
N.B. If you're trying to commit a long, drawn-out suicide by become really fat, have fun, and learn to eat butter in batter on a stick. And drink lots of beer. Beer is good.
So what's your excuse for being a fat fuck? Why do you find it hard to tie your shoes, get out of bed, or walk to the mailbox. Let me know, so I can blow your bullshit out of the water. Also, if your finding all of this a bit hard to swallow (no pun intended), feel free to let me know why you think I'm wrong, and I'll be sure to reply and set you straight. Remember kids, there's no excuse for being obese. Ever.
User Reviews
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-21 08:58:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK FAT FUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Absofucking, nAsty, disgusting, ugly, smelly pieces of SHIT!
Genes my fucking ass, chemistry my fucking ass, you motherfuckers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get your ass the fuck out, you fat bitches and FAGGOTS!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Baddass = Fat-ass <truth.at.home.com> at 2004-06-23 16:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How hypocritical of you.......you are a lardarse yourself Fat-ass. So what is your excuse? You currently work in an environment where physical exercise is encouraged, and in 2 and a half years you turn into " a lard arse".
Stop being a pathetic loser and grow up - stop writing bullshit on your columns that are no reflection of real life (if anyone bothers to read any of his posts, all of the information is just a load of shit).
Instead bagging out others for being fat, how about you go have a good hard look in a mirror (if you can find one that fits on the side of a barn), and lose some weight yourself retard.
Submitted by none of your bizshits <like hell> at 2004-05-08 07:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NEWS FLASH!!! YOU ARE OBESE!!! I'VE SEEN YOUR PICTURE AND YOU ARE FLABBY!!! FUGLY SHIT!!!!
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-04-23 03:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Hey dimwit.. I play rugby league.. Not gridiron, Im not a gay cunt."
League should never have the word "rugby" in front of it, because it's a bastardisation of a real sport. League's the retarded little brother of Union. I'd play gridiron before I played league simply because gridiron involves more thought than "run with the ball now fat man"... fucking league-playing retard.
Badass.
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2004-04-15 02:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-07 05:43:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2004-04-07 03:31:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Whats my excuse? .. Hmm .. an extra 20 or so kilos makes me mighty hard to stop on the footy field.. and makes you much easier to beat down.. Die.
***************************
Say you weigh 100kgs , and i weigh 80kgs- you are fat and i am muscle--- ill pummel your ass. Besides everyone knows American f00tball is ghey anyway! (look at the uniforms AHAHA)
HOWEVER- someone has tapped my hatred of fat people and deserves a +2
ps Im Fat
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Hey dimwit.. I play rugby league.. Not gridiron, Im not a gay cunt.
The only ass you pummel is the man ass you have to pay for.
Run along now faggot.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-07 23:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha fat chicks
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Read this bit again speeddaimon:
"And you don't have to buy swimmers if you don't have the self-esteem to wear them. You can swim in your fucking pyjamas for all I care! Just do it!"
Contradictory my arse! You're almost as bad as the footy player wanker. But that's cool. Wait, no, it isn't, really.
Badass.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-07 16:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The most coherent and informative "I hate fat people" rant I've ever read. Congratulations ... I think.
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-07 15:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Of course, then if these "fat" people go swimming, then they get ripped on for being fat and in a swimsuit cause "you don't want to see that".
-2 for being contradictory
+2 for promoting excercise
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-04-07 10:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Yeah, most larger people are just lazy, but my boyfriend's fat and I think he's hot."
But do you think he's healthy? This ain't a spiteful retort, it's just a question.
Badass.
Submitted by Hader (user info) at 2004-04-07 09:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, most larger people are just lazy, but my boyfriend's fat and I think he's hot.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-07 05:43:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2004-04-07 03:31:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Whats my excuse? .. Hmm .. an extra 20 or so kilos makes me mighty hard to stop on the footy field.. and makes you much easier to beat down.. Die.
***************************
Say you weigh 100kgs , and i weigh 80kgs- you are fat and i am muscle--- ill pummel your ass. Besides everyone knows American f00tball is ghey anyway! (look at the uniforms AHAHA)
HOWEVER- someone has tapped my hatred of fat people and deserves a +2
ps Im Fat
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-04-07 05:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Read the first paragraph: I'm not talking about you, fuckwit. I'm talking about people who are obese and don't exercise. Since you play footy, you don't count as an obese fat fuck.
I have no idea what footy you're talking about, but since you're saying that being a fat fuck will help you run with a ball, and that you can't read a simple clause at the start of a post, I'd have to guess that you play rugby.
Here's an idea fatty: shed the 20kgs of fat, put on 20kgs of muscle and then you won't be so angry because you won't be the big fat guy on the team with 20kgs of fat slowing him down and making it harder to push the other team backwards.
Badass.
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2004-04-07 03:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Whats my excuse? .. Hmm .. an extra 20 or so kilos makes me mighty hard to stop on the footy field.. and makes you much easier to beat down.. Die.
Submitted by MagnificentRyan (user info) at 2004-04-07 03:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mmmm...cheese rice
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-04-07 02:59:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whoa, first a spur of nigger posts the other day, now a spur of fat posts! Score!
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-07 02:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah I'm fat. I also kick ass, PLUS the cashier at Publix hit on me tonight.
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-04-07 02:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know - I'd actually hoped I'd get more hits out of the little shithead, but oh well. It was nice to have someone out there who admired my name so much...
Enema.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-04-07 02:44:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sorry, but since Fleet Enema Badass, I can't look at you quite the same.