Most ÜberÜsers? Smart folks. Me? Not so much. (1921 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Geting_My_Shit_Ruined
Rating: 1.93 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-04-07 11:07:19 EDT
I know we have a large number of intelligent people here. I'd say the average ÜberÜser probably has an I.Q. of around 130. Some may say my estimate is on the high side, but consider that, when the post about I.Q. testing came out (http://www.ubersite.com/m/16257), everyone jumped in the queue to boast of their high score. I'll admit, I went and took the test too. I wanted to get a handle on my intelligence level. I went online and found some more free tests. I read up on the accuracy, reliability, and bias inherent in the tests. I read that pattern recognition tests are the least biased I.Q. tests out there, because they are not geared towards any specific race, culture, or language. It didn't matter. Every test I took, I'd get between 90 and 105. Every time.
I couldn't understand it. I thought I was a reasonably smart fellow. I went to college! I studied hard! I deserved a score higher than that! Am I brain damaged? What the fuck is wrong with me? I asked my wife. She had nothing for me. I asked my brothers. Nothing. I called my buddy from the Navy.
"Jim", he said slyly, "Let me go ahead and tell you the motorcycle story. You remember that, don't you?"
"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" I argued.
He smoothly replied, "I'll get to that. Just hold on..."
At this point I'm going to switch to the third person perspective and leave out the quotation marks in the story. But this is what he said to me:
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You remember when we first met? We were assigned as roommates. I had just bought my bike. You remember the one? Brand new CBR600. It was beautiful. I had it custom painted. I had a jet kit put on. Brand new Yoshi pipes. God, I loved that bike. I'd only had it two weeks when we first met.
You loved it too, didn't you? You asked me if you could ride it. Did you know how to ride? Had you ever even sat on a motorcycle at that point in your life? No. You hadn't. But you said, oh hell yes, I used to ride all the time, blah blah blah. No problem. You lied. I can live with that.
So there you were, putting your boots on. It was like a scene from Rambo, when he's preparing to go to battle. Dramatic camera shot of you lacing up your boots. Throwing on your leather jacket. Buckling the helmet strap. You're ready for a fight. When you started walking to my beautiful new bike, I bet you felt like that scene from Armageddon, where they show the walk to the shuttle in slow motion. You were on top of the world right then, weren't you? I'm getting pissed off just retelling it.
So you swung your leg over the seat, getting comfortable with the feel. You started the motor up. Raaaarrgh! Didn't that sound awesome? I told you to let the clutch out slowly. My bike had a little more power than the average bike. Okay, you said, no problem.
EEEEEEEEEEE!!! You let the clutch out so fast it squealed the tire. You didn't even have the sense to lift your feet to the pedals. You looked so fucking retarded, dragging your feet along through that parking lot, the bike getting away from you every millisecond. It might have been funny as hell. If it had been somebody else's bike.
You must have been going about forty. Short ride, wasn't it? WHAM! Right into the side of a '69 GTO. Show car, remember? You flew over that car like a fucking stunt rider. You didn't land like one though, did you? Broke your ankle.
But remember my bike? There it was, lying on its side, pissing green coolant eveywhere. Forks broken. Rim bent. Fairings shattered. Completely totalled. The GTO? Rear quarter panel destroyed. You, with no insurance. No license. On a military base. I had to take the fall for you. I told the MP that I was the one riding. I got cited for not wearing proper safety equipment and reckless driving. You still owe me $1100 bucks for all that bullshit. That was fifteen years ago.
So, do you really want to know why you keep scoring so low on IQ tests? It's because you have a LOW FUCKING IQ!!! GODDAMN YOU!! I want to VOMIT ON YOU!!
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I had to hang up the phone. He was clearly being irrational.
Maybe IQ tests have study guides?
User Reviews
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 13:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gnome (user info) at 2004-08-06 16:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sportbike = good
600cc sportbike + new rider = bad news
Submitted by amy8moo (user info) at 2004-07-30 17:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never trust a man that rides a crotch rocket. Lesson learned?
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-07-21 11:00:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ha ha! I just talked to my buddy on the phone and he brought the story up AGAIN.
Jesus, some people just won't let the past go.
Submitted by Captain_MotherFucking_Foamy (user info) at 2004-04-17 14:40:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
475 bitches.
460 - 480 Foamy!
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-04-17 14:28:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
btw, "Thank you for recently taking the IQ Test, your score was: 152"
"Genius: 146 - 165"
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-04-17 14:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-04-17 14:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyed that very much.
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-04-17 14:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-17 14:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Falco you are being a little whore again
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-16 22:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't worry Jimbo- Cheer up http://www.ubersite.com/m/30512
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-04-10 17:31:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was pretty damn stupid, but its forgivable. don't worry about IQ tests or SATs or ACTs or any of that shit.
you shouldn't care about anything that "gauges" you intelligence. i'll trust gut reaction and personal experience over any test on whether or not someone is intelligent or not.
i'd give my opinion of how "smart" or not, but i'd rather not flatter or insult you, plus my opinion shouldn't mean shit to you about whether or not you're smart.
i have a feeling though, the IQ test was just an interesting way to tell a story, so i'll shut up. good post.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-10 17:12:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo is the Law
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-10 16:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was very very funny.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The GTO was the greatest car ever built.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-04-07 13:33:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My first laugh-out-loud read of the day.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-07 12:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. That was pretty funny.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-07 12:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thats the bike i want to get. If it happens, i will probably kill myself.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-04-07 12:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-07 12:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've never had a dick in my ass. More than you can say.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-07 12:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, man. I'm not going to get into it with you again. Seriously, you're not worth the time and energy if you can't come up with anything better than accusing me of being a homosexual. So what if I was? Would that change anything? I'd still be me, and you'd still be an asshole 14 year old that's home on spring break and has nothing better to do than follow who comments on what posts so you can rate exactly opposite them and insult them. Grow up.
*Note: I'm not gay.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:45:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Case and point, stupider is not a word.
--
Case and point, polyamorousaj is not a heterosexual.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:45:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Case and point, stupider is not a word.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I meant Kristen Fetish.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So you -2 me?
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because Jimbo is so cool.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That test is shit. The school system tested me back in the day.
According to the school: 149
According to the Internet: 165
That is complete shit. If anything public school and college (Ubersite too) would have made me stupider.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I.Q. = Intelligence Quotient. It is score of a test made by some arbitrary expert divided by your age. It doesn't prove jack-shit.
Our educational system only tests for two types of intelligences: math and reading/language. There are many forms of intelligences, the more common ones are: math, language, music, natural, philosophical, spatial, athletic, intrapersonal, and interpersonal.
The ability to solve third order derivatives and conjugate verbs, does not make you absolutely intelligent.
Submitted by Papajoe (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the image of you flying over a '69 GTO. ;p
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:20:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha...
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's funny as hell. He wants to vomit on you. loki's right though, IQ tests are arguable.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny. You of course realize that all IQ tests measure is your ability to take IQ tests.
Submitted by Hader (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:13:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
From your writing, you seem pretty smart. IQ tests are annoying, but, just to make you feel better, mine's 132.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um...HAHAHAHHAAHA. guess you answered your own question.
next time start on a vespa and work your way up.
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-07 11:12:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, I laughed, I thought this was funny and well presented.
Good work