Oh, the agony of a relaxing night at home (781 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.13 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phoenix <volklcess.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-07 14:00:55 EDT
Sometimes it baffles me how our lives have not yet been discovered to possibly be the next top comedy sitcom. Our stuff's way better than stupid crap like "Everybody Loves Raymond" and we don't even have scripts or mediocre writers. Of course, our little sitcom (to be affectionately known as "Matt's House") wouldn't be complete without that key player, the token dumbass, the Kramer of "Seinfeld," the Joey of "Friends," the Homer of "The Simpsons": our roommate.
I was lying on the couch watching "Family Guy" when Matt got home from his friend's house. We exchanged idle chit chat for a little while and then decided to finish the little bit of weed we had left from the previous week's "investment." After last night, I've come to the conclusion that God gets a good laugh out of playing his idea of a practical joke on me while I'm high. Undoubtedly this would've happened regardless of my mental state, but being stoned made the situation far more amusing and undeniably, far more hilarious.
It must've been around 10:00 last night when out of nowhere Joe's girlfriend, Karen peeked her head through our front door, cast us an embarrassed smile, informed us they were "bringing Joe in," and once again disappeared through the small open crack of the door. And then came the parade. Karen walks in first with an extremely inebriated Joe trailing close behind. Following Joe is Karen's roommate Annie and Annie's mom. Wait. Annie's MOM?! Who brings their mom out for a night of drinking?
Karen and Annie drag Joe back to his room while Annie's mom decides to waste no time telling us her life story. She told us about her husband's drinking problem; she told us about her dogs, and how they fed them cheese. She told us about how they once lost a baby and now she was on meds. I learned more about this lady I'd never met before in the duration of an hour than I know about most of my really close friends whom I've known for years. Her short round frame reminded me much of an apple. An apple. Every time I looked at her, my mind forced me to picture a big red apple standing in our doorway telling us about the meds it was taking. Laughter fought to erupt from through my lips, but I fought it back with a fair share of snorts and guffaws.
Meanwhile Joe can be heard sobbing like a 12-year old girl back in his room. I couldn't make out what Karen was saying, but Annie re-emerged just in time to hear her mom telling us how she'd gone out with the girls to be their designated driver.
"You see, because of my meds I can't drink so I decided to go out for a night with the girls as a designated driver." I'd just as soon die before inviting my mom out for a night of debauchery with the girls. She's waving her hand around like she's fanning away a fart, a big red apple fanning away an expulsion of gas. I bite my tongue and try to think of something tragic to battle the laughter with, but it's to no avail. I had to laugh. I tried to pawn it off as something funny on the TV, but all that's playing on the TV is a show about drug lords on the History channel. Busted.
As soon as the carnies leave, Joe comes out into the living room and just stands there. Doesn't say a word. Just stands there, his wife beater rolling up over his gross hairy beer belly, a vacant look in his eyes. Simultaneously Matt and I glance up at him and ask, "What do you want?" Ah, a match made in heaven.
All Joe has in reply is, "I fucked it all up" as if that's a reasonable answer. Perhaps in his drunken stupor it made perfect sense as an answer to the question asked. "I fucked it all up. My life is over." Then he starts slapping walls. Yes, SLAPPING.
All I can conclude from the scene playing before my eyes is that Joe and Karen have broken up. Again. (If you recall from a past post which I'm too lazy to link, Karen is the one who gave Joe the break-up severance package.) For a few moments, Joe lumbers drunkenly around the house slapping various walls and repeatedly informing us that his life is over and he fucked it all up until we finally tune him out and he resorts to putting a hole in the wall and collapsing to the floor in front of our bedroom door. There, he cries. He bawls and he sobs and he sighs loudly and huffs and puffs, all hidden messages that he'd really love for us to pay attention to him and give him the sympathy he craves. We, in turn, ignore him, acknowledging him only once to tell him to get off his pathetic drunk ass and go to his room (which he doesn't).
Oh, how much longer will I have to endure the antics of my roommate? Or I suppose rather, how much more can I withstand before I break and kill the guy? Ah, well, now I must end this post as some guys from the shop let loose an absolutely disgusting cricket in my office and I *HATE* crickets.......
User Reviews
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-15 07:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-04-15 06:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-13 21:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-04-08 11:38:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
**If i told my dad to fuck off, he would throw me threw a window.**
I agree here. My father and I are cool, but there is a definite line there that you don't cross.
Submitted by Old_Hag (user info) at 2004-04-07 23:16:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, I have read the rest of your series. I don't know what made you assume differently. I actually liked the series. Some of the posts were slightly amusing. This one, however, was not.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-04-07 22:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:23:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
Ouch seanfogy. What about the post was masculine? Saying something like "Ah, a match made in heaven" in reference to Matt would make me gay (were I a guy)!! Ah, well, no hard feelings.
:-)
Phoenix
nothing was really masculine about it, just the whole time i had a male narrator in my head. i dont know, "im a weirdo i guess" would sum it all up.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-07 21:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm scared now Xena, bring it!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-07 21:04:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was amused
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-04-07 20:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
broke up. again. My roomate is like that.
Not too long ago he brought home a stick figure named... something... who seemed to refuse to wear underwear. they spent a few days making noise at 2 am, then he spent a few days being grumpy and depressed. Then she came to visit again... ah the vicious cycles of roommate life
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-04-07 18:37:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hey, i'd fuck an apple.
what?!
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This kid and his girlfriend, whom i used to work with, both smoked weed with the guys dad in their back yard. Silly parents, weed is for kids!
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Guess I should've written it off as one of those "had to be there" moments.
:::sigh:::
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nothing personal, but this isn't funny.
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The point, Old_Hag, is that there was NO point.
Actually, if you've read some of my past posts, which you haven't, the roommate posts were working out quite well for me for a while.
-Phoenix
Submitted by Old_Hag (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And the point was?...I thought it was going somewhere funny or amusing but it just never did...
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, RB, I guess it's time to retire the infamous "roommate posts." :::sniffle::: I'll sure miss it. Eh, not really.
Powered milk, huh? ;-)
-Phoenix
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Erika,
You could have done more with this story. Joe sounds like he has serious issues, and I am willing to bet that he will be a thorn in ya'lls side for many a time to come.
I would start compilations though of several idiotic events posted into one post.
Look back to your childhood memories and bring us a story from when you were 10.
Something that altered your childhood and made you one step closer to who you are today.
You have expressed being a bit burnt out. You just need a Muse.
-Turtle
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-07 15:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate it when kids are friends with their parents. Its fucking weird. I dont care that you dad left when you were 12 and now its you and mommie and your best friends. Thats fucking retarded. Parents are parents. Not buddies/pals/chums/homies or whatever. How can a friend discipline you when you fuck up? If my friend tried to tell me im grounded i would tell him to fuck off. If i told my dad to fuck off, he would throw me threw a window.
endrant
As for your roommate posts...i think you need a new cash cow. This baby is barely shooting powered milk now.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-07 15:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Need a new roommate?
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-07 15:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh it's gonna be a battle to the death, Phinchy!
Aaaieieiaiaieiaiaaaieieieieieeeeeieie (that's my battle cry, meant to strike fear into your heart. Did it work? hehe).
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-07 15:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The minus two's below are all a plan for me to lower your confidence before I face you in ubermadness...
you will tremble before me! (probably holding in your laughter of my inadequacy..)
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-04-07 15:10:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm still lovin; it....just this one wasn't like the others....
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-07 15:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because you always deserve it.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:39:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i still love you. ;-)
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My roommate series is losing it's popularity. That sucks.
:-(
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, look at you with your little entertaining, funny and thoughtful original posts!
"Look at me!! I'm Ewika! I'm going to entertain with my little post! LALALALA! People like me!"
Stop writing good posts or I'll be forced to give you another +2.
Oh, I went there.
-Sideburns
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, just bored with the run of the mill roommate crap. We all have them, and the melodramtic drunks that I call my friends. Just not very interested.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-07 14:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.blog.com
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:28:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'd just as soon die before inviting my mom out for a night of debauchery with the girls."
And that line. That's not something a guy would say!
(honestly, I have no idea why I care so much...:::sigh::: se la vie)
-Phoenix
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ouch seanfogy. What about the post was masculine? Saying something like "Ah, a match made in heaven" in reference to Matt would make me gay (were I a guy)!! Ah, well, no hard feelings.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I've heard this story somewhere before.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funny
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hmmmm....
i didnt know who wrote this until i finished reading it, and i must say, i thought you were a guy until i looked up
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...his wife beater rolling up over his gross hairy beer belly,"
oh shit! I don't REMEMBER being at your house?!?!?
Submitted by Al_Queda (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
funny
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow...that is truly...unique, I guess. Wow.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-07 14:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment