The Legend of Dirk's Basement, Vol. I (3758 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.32 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrinkDDT (View user info) at 2004-04-07 16:06:24 EDT
The following is based on true events.
It happened in the Year of Our Lord, 1997. The whimsical year of 1997, back when men were men and women were. . .well women I guess. I don't know what I'm saying.
Anyway it was 1997, and it happened in that year. It happened in Dirk's basement. In 1997. . .
THE PLAYERS:
-Dirk- He was always the host. His parents didn't care how much cigar smoke filled the basement, how many Mountain Dews disappeared from their fridge, or how many hundreds of dollars changed hands between seventeen year old kids. Poker games had been going on in that basement since Dirk was twelve. It was legendary. Dirk was famous for creating very popular card games, such as "Dave's Balls" (and the variation, "Dave's Balls, 10 Inch Cock", "Kick Ass Jon", and "Cock in Schmitty's Ass".
-Dave- The oldest and hairiest player at the table, Dave rarely won a hand. But he had games named after his genetalia, and that was just fine to him. In 1999, Dave would marry a woman, and the players would all mourn. But thats a different story.
-Ed "The Head" Hennessy- Ed had an enormous cranium. He was always invited to poker night because he was well known for folding straights that he couldn't recognize. He was constantly reminded of the time he accidently kicked the CD tray off his computer, and of his insanely huge forehead. But Ed always came back for more, because he'd been trying to bang Dirk's sister since he was a kid. As of 1:58pm, April 7th, 2004, it still hasn't happened.
-Schmitty- He always brought a bag of change to the game. No one else was allowed to buy chips with coin. They only let him do it because--well because he was Schmitty. Probably everyone felt sorry that a card game called "Cock in Schmitty's Ass" was ever invented. Schmitty wasn't much of a risk taker, and he left every night with about an eighty cent profit or loss.
-Asian Paul- He won a lot. Probably due to the fact that Asians count cards. This is a fact.
-Tim- The wild card, Dirk's hetero life-mate. Tim almost never folded, and often got Dirk so riled up that anything could happen. The max bet at these games was usually two dollars. But there was an exception. If Tim and Dirk were the only ones left in a hand, it automatically became no limit. Tim and Dirk frequently had fifty to sixty dollar coin tosses. During "In Between", Tim or Dirk would often bet the pot on a one card spread.
THE BET:
The night in question started like any other poker night. It was 1997.
Things kicked off normally. No big bets, nothing unusual. Then Ed "The Head" had to open his mouth:
"Hey have you guys heard of Gay Chicken?"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP HEAD!" said everyone in unison. Except Dirk. He was intrigued.
"Woah, woah, wait. Gay Chicken? Tell me more!" said Dirk.
Ed turned his oversized melon to face Dirk. He looked like a pumpkin on top of a can of Pringles. "Gay Chicken. Two guys take turns moving their hands up each others leg, and the first one who quits is chicken."
"Ed, thats fuckin' gay man!" Said Dave. "Come on, my deal. Cock in Schmitty's ass."
"No, no wait!" interjected Tim. It was apparent Tim had an idea. The fear was already on Dirk's face. "Dirk, I bet you fifty bucks I can beat you in Gay Chicken".
The year was 1997, and men were men. Dirk, being a man's man, had no choice but to accept Tim's wager. Such was the relationship between Tim and Dirk. Hetero lifemates, true gamblers, sportsmen. Rounders. The game was on.
Tim and Dirk took a seat next to each other. They each took fifty bucks from their wallets and put it on the table. Without hesitation, they both put a hand on the other's knee. "You go first."
Tim's hand slowly moved above Dirk's knee and rested there. "Give up?"
"Pshaw!" Dirk slid his hand to the middle of Tim's thigh. "I can handle it if you can".
Dave, Ed, Asian Paul, and Schmitty were all silent. Weekend after weekend they had to watch Tim and Dirk make crazy bets. But this beat all.
With his free hand, Tim grabbed a handfull of sunflower seeds and shoved them in his mouth. He slid his hand as high as it could go on Dirk's thigh.
Dirk puffed on his cigar and squinted at Tim, looking for any sign of weakness. Finding none, he looked down at Tim's lap. "I can't go any higher. . ."
Tim's eyes wavered for a moment. He said nothing.
Dirk went ahead and cupped Tim's cock n' balls.
The room was deadly silent. Tim spit a sunflower seed out of his mouth, and promptly placed his hand on Dirk's twig and berries.
They sat, staring each other down, in this stalemate, for a full minute.
"Call it a draw?" Tim sounded a little uneasy.
"Fuck no."
"Fine, take off your pants."
"What? How about a coin toss?"
They simultaneously snatched their hand's away. "Coin toss it is!"
Later, after the quarter had landed on heads, Tim was shaking his head in disbelief. "I just payed fifty bucks to hold your cock for sixty seconds. . ."
And thats how things were, in 1997. In 1997, every day was a good day. Every meal was a banquet. Men were men. And in 1997, true gamblers knew what had to be done.
I believe Kenny Rogers said it best:
User Reviews
Submitted by psh1ft <paradigmsh1ft.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-06-09 23:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I've read, heard, or seen this very same story somewhere before, right down to the punchline. The characterisation's original though, you've other interjected details, and it's capably written; but then again you dull in the middle. So for the plagiarism and uninspiring delivery of the middle you get a -1.
Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-04-25 23:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dont lose your style man
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2004-04-16 07:18:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i re-raise you all in..
Submitted by theWELLofZION (user info) at 2004-04-14 17:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:42:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First spot we hit it was my liquor store.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
While you were home watching your TV, I was PAR ticipating in some ANARCHY.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There was a riot on the streets tell me where were you?
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-04-12 12:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
april 22nd 1992
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-08 13:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a huge head as well, I prefer the term "Orange on a toothpick"
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-04-08 12:27:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-08 12:03:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-04-08 11:57:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(Insert ....in the pooper comment here)
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-04-08 03:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heehee
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-04-08 01:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome... this story was awesome
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-04-07 22:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.........
no, i refuse to say it
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-04-07 20:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am chuckling!
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-04-07 18:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ATTN GHEY KIDZ
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was pretty classic, but I think it was an episode of Saved by the Bell...right? Maybe not.
"Fine, take off your pants."
"What? How about a coin toss?"
They simultaneously snatched their hand's away. "Coin toss it is!"
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:23:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn. Ew. Damn.
Damn.
Submitted by JorKen (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lmao... you said twig
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was the funniest thing I've read on this site in awhile.
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gotta double rate it, it was that funny
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is hilarious
Submitted by Al_Queda (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-04-05 16:00:33 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-04-05 15:40:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
my ratings are turned off so I can't -2 you, but you're a stoopid fucking nigger/kike/arab fuckhead/muslim cocksucker/asian small cocked civic driving fuck face coke dealer/severly handicapped bed shitting cunt/mexican child rapist/brazillian fucking inbred slut.
Meh, you're just a fucking pile of streetjerk.
I FUCKED YOUR MOM
Submitted by Al_Queda (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
boring
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:47:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Priceless.....
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I drink piss for $20. This seems like a better deal.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is way beyond hillarious. I'll have to mention it at poker night.
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This made me laugh: "He was always invited to poker night because he was well known for folding straights that he couldn't recognize."
Good stuff.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahaha
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmm.
No sense of humor? Check!
Name in all caps? Check!
Homophobic? Check!
You guessed it! Blitzkrieg Bob CLEARLY takes it up the pooper! What a fag!
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:25:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't care what the rating says. This should be on Bored at Work.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That's just fucking wrong.
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Kenny Rodgers thing.
"Know when to hold em"
That was fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Al_Queda (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sucks. you're gay.
die
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:13:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This exuded homosexuality. The pic pulled it all back though.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
great build but then premature climaxation...liked the story though as you described it well
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-07 16:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the Howard Stern Show. They played gay chicken this morning, and it brought back this vivid memory.