Pills I’d Someday Like To See (928 hits)
Category: GraphicsRating: -0.16 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fleet Marshall Badass (View user info) at 2004-04-07 17:28:19 EDT
I swear to God, scientists have finally learned the error of their ways. They've realised all their past sins and they're moving on from that. No more will they succumb to the evils and horrors that once dominated the practice. They will never cure another disease, ever again.
Why? Because we all know that the money's not in the cure. The money's in the medicine! Oh sure, you can cure a whole bunch of diseases, but why would you do that when you can make more money by giving people medicine so they can live with their shit for a long time? I can just see it now: one of these days, you'll be able to call work and say, "Yeah, sorry Boss, my AIDS is acting up... yeah, my prescription's empty and I... oh, I didn't know there was an over-the-counter brand... anyway, I'll get it sorted out but I won't be in for work today... I'll be sure to get something for it today... thanks Boss... by the way, how's your Ebola? Oh great! Okay, see you tomorrow."
You can see where this shit started, can't you? That's right, smallpox. They invented a vaccine to make people immune to smallpox, and now it doesn't exist. $50 says they were months away from a cure, and then their morality kicked in and it almost broke the medical profession. You'd think they'd have learnt their lesson with smallpox, but think about all the money they blew on polio! Still, they were probably thinking that they had to conjure up something to justify various federal governments investing fuckloads of cash in medicine. Then they've realised that instead of getting more money from the government for curing shit, the government should just increase health care benefits, and the public can pay for their AIDS medicine. I'll tell you something else for free: it won't stop with diseases. They'll make some awesome shit, charge ridiculous amounts of money for it, and be totally filthy rich!
I'm looking forward to the Fountain of Youth pill - not all these magical creams and surgical pieces of shit. That said, I don't like the idea of the prototypes, because you just know that before we get the Fountain of Youth pill, we're gonna get the Live till you're 130 pill, which will give you longevity, but won't make you look younger, so you'll still be decrepit at 130; or the Die when you Start to Age pill, which has the same idea (it won't let you age), but with more drastic side effects. And speaking of which, when we finally get the pill, it'll have some fucked up side effects, like sprouting back hair, anal leakage, coughing up blood, artificial insemination, etc. But sooner or later, they'll get it right, and we'll all live forever.
Of course, if we lived forever, we'd drain the world's resources something chronic. So then the doctors would have to invent some sort of medicine to make everybody live forever on no nourishment whatsoever. I'm not talking about a super nutrient pill, or maybe I am. Either way, those clever doctors will sort it out in the end. Then again, the Fountain of Youth pill is bound to have some sort of preservative in it that will mean that people won't require nourishment. I'm not a doctor, and for that we should all be grateful. But someone out there is, and hopefully he'll come up with it.
N.B. No woman will come up with a Fountain of Youth pill, because no matter how much they want it, man will invent the Put Women in their Place pill, and you'll all be stuck at the sink, or bed, or laundry, whatever my whims dictate. Besides, even if man doesn't invent that particular pill, women won't be able to invent it because they'd be too busy trying to invent the mini-versions, like the Perky Breasts pill, or the Tight, Firm Arse pill, or the Permanent Make-Up pill, for which all men will be grateful and praise women about, so they'll be stuck making up new pills like that, while men put it all together and then WHAM! Fountain of Youth, bitch!!
So it looks like we'll all be living till we're 150, looking great, with our AIDS and Ebola. No more contraception (the vagina will be a separate living organism by then), no more worries about sharing syringes, no more worries, ever. I'm looking forward to it. Here's my list of pills I'd like to see:
Fountain Of Youth pill (awesome, until life got boring)
Put Women In Their Place pill (she'd be your slave, baby... slave... awesome!)
Give People Tourette's Syndrome pill (how fucking funny would this be?!)
Extra Penis pill (why not? And you could have it wherever on your body you wanted)
Three Boobies Like The Tart In Total Recall pill (Because then she could titty-fuck both your penises)
Breast Enlargement pill (do I really have to explain why this would be awesome?)
Hair Style pill (you could get pills that made you lose/grow hair to suit certain hair styles, like Mohawks, Mullets, Sharpies, etc.)
Siamese Twin pill (this would be awesome, because you could take them over and over again and make one of those paper people chains, but with real people!!)
Make Everything Back To Normal pill (just in case your people chain gets too big)
Any others?
User Reviews
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-04-08 02:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude you stole it and its obvious. The only funny part of this you lifted from Chris Rock. Slapshot saw it too. Im busy working on a paper but later I'll type up a transcript so everyone can see how you can't stand Chris Rock but dont mind stealing from him
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-04-07 23:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-07 23:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I realized this wasn't Fleet ENEMA Badass, so I came back and read this after all. Sorry about that.
I don't know much Chris Rock, so if you didn't steal this, its not too shabby.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-07 22:48:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-04-07 19:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"You so blatantly stole from Chris Rock that its sad."
What? Fuck you mate. I can't stand Chris Rock or any moron that stoops as low as to make money off reverse racism. Though if he's making jokes that aren't about white people then maybe I might have a listen...
And WHAT THE FUCK are you on Slapshot? What the fuck is "way past Tussin?" Someone here said that to me when they read this, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this is another Chris Rock quip. In which case you're an idiot - it only takes one person to say that. So now that you realise that you're superfluous, you can go do something constructive, like play in traffic.
Badass.
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-04-07 19:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"You so blatantly stole from Chris Rock that its sad."
What? Fuck you mate. I can't stand Chris Rock any moron that stoops as low as to make money off reverse racism. Though if he's making jokes that aren't about white people then maybe I might have a listen...
And WHAT THE FUCK are you on Slapshot? What the fuck is "way past Tussin?" I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this is another Chris Rock quip. In which case you're an idiot - it only takes one person to say that. So now that you realise that you're superfluous, you can go do something constructive, like play in traffic.
Badass.
Submitted by smithy32 (user info) at 2004-04-07 19:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
worth redaing
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-04-07 18:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
should have "authored" a "$5000 bullet" monologue........or better yet........a "get sick................heres the Tussin" joke...........someone might find those funny......hack
Submitted by Weasel (user info) at 2004-04-07 18:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh. It was amusing, but in the end it felt like a waste of time.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-04-07 18:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-04-07 18:05:22 (#)
Ranking: -2
You so blatantly stole from Chris Rock that its sad.
Honestly, if you can't come up with something original, don't submit
From bad to worse
Submitted by Samer (user info) at 2004-04-07 18:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-04-07 18:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You so blatantly stole from Chris Rock that its sad.
Honestly, if you can't come up with something original, don't submit
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTF, I'm not reading all that, you cocksucking pussy!
Submitted by Thunderlips (user info) at 2004-04-07 17:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
God hates you.