Baby Jesus in a Blender (965 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.66 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-04-08 03:10:34 EDT
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HIGHLY RELIGIOUS AND THE TITLE OF THIS POST ALREADY OFFENDS YOU, PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTHER AS IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE!
My best friend Corry and I got a great deal at a swanky condo in Whistler BC this last weekend. Damn did we had a good time. One of the highlights about the trip, other than the kick-ass snowboarding, was when we found a standard KJV Bible in a dresser drawer. We were loading up on the booze in the condo before heading off to the Whistler night clubs, so we had some time to kill. Believe me, even if you are not un-religious like am, this was super goddam fun - we took the Bible and flipped to random pages and took turns doing our best impressions of firebrand Southern Baptist Preachers. A rough transcript of some of our theological debates follows:
CORRY:
"And yee shall ALWAYS remember, Judges 3:30: 'So Moab was subdued that day under the hand of Israel. And the land had rest fourscore years'
This has as much meaning now as it did then. THE DEVIL WALKS AMONG US! THE DEVIL!!!! So it is, so it was written."
ME:
"In this time of strife and hardship, when the heathen enemies of Christ walk so boldly upon God's earth we can never forget the words of Samuel 5:15 - 5:16, 'And these be the names of those that were born unto him in Jerusalem. Shammuah and Shobab and Nathan and Soloman. Ibhar also, and Elishua and Nephaeg and Jpaia.' You ignore these sound words of wisdom at your peril!"
CORRY:
"Oh yeah? Well you obviously have not considered Psalms 42:11, you filthy sinner: 'Then came there unto him all his brethren, and all his sisters, and all they that had been of his acquaintances before and did eat bread with him in his house and they bemoaned him.'
Bemoaned Him! Did you read that you retard? BEMOANED! If you don't understand that, then you understand nothing."
ME:
"Hmmm....Let me see...Oh yeah here it is. Listen to this, Judas. It's Proverbs 12:24: 'The hand of the diligent shall bear rule: but the slothful shall be under tribute'
That is obviously showing that socialism is the tool of Satan. Even a hell-bound Calvinist like you can see that."
CORRY
"That is pure nonsense. When we turn to Romans 11:29 we find: 'For the gifts and calling of God are without repentance.' WITHOUT Repentance. Don't you see? It is without repentance that the souls of the unrepentant are sown. Only those who are so blind that they are unwilling to see could belive that."
__________________________
And so our debate continued long into the night, until we had a violent schism in our respective religions. We physically fought for an hour or so, then we decided to stop because we were too drunk and tired. We agreed to create 2 new sects of Christianity. My sect is now the Satanic Baptists, and Corry's is the Reformed Satanic Baptists. Even though I know that Corry is a hellbound drunkard, I realize it was for the best to stop the war and agree to disagree, as I was getting my ass kicked in the fight.
After that we calm down a bit. We then started to get into a gospel mood big time in our new spirit of cooperation, so we co-wrote an uplifting Christian song about the ethereal Baby Jesus. It was a true example of different religions joining hands together in harmony.
The song we wrote is so religiously uplifting that we expect it to become a standardized hymn for all 2112 sects of Christianity any day now. It is hard to describe the tune of it, but it is best sung with a country-western twang. It's called 'Baby Jesus in a blender'. I hope you enjoy it.
Baby Jesus in a Blender
Now if you don't got baby Jesus,
well I got some in my trunk.
And his little baby head comes pre-loaded,
with a big wad of my spunk.
Baby Jesus! .... Baby JEEEeeeeEEEEsus!
Now if you're sad and lonely and thinkin'
bout' going on a margarita bender,
Well there is someone that I do know who you
should throw into that blender...
Baby Jesus! .... Baby JEEEeeeeEEEEsus!
Now he'll cure you of what ails you,
he will free you of your sin,
But just be warned that his blended body,
well it just don't mix with gin.
Baby Jesus! .... Baby JEEEeeeeEEEEsus!
You drink all night you get all pissed up,
you drink up all that sauce
But don't you worry now bout no sin cause that's
why He died on that cross
Baby Jesus! .... Baby JEEEeeeeEEEEsus!
Baby Jesus! .... Baby JEEEeeeeEEEEsus!
Baby Jesus! .... Baby JEEEeeeeEEEEsus!
User Reviews
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-06-04 17:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sausages in blenders are also nice!!! BTW paybacks are a bitch
Submitted by craptastic (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:52:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's nice
Submitted by Azazel aka satin <my_gothik_angel.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-04-08 11:43:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think i know corry sweet hey i throw baby jesus in a blender with alittle of moses's dick.
And thats a drink!
love
satins daughter
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-04-08 09:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yum, sucks when you get a chunk of baby jesus stuck in your teeth though.
Submitted by captain (user info) at 2004-04-08 04:25:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Like the lyrics
Submitted by Cheeba_puff (user info) at 2004-04-08 04:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Almost as funny as "the passion."
Submitted by Jonathan Dellert <Cheeba_puff.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-04-08 03:33:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hah!
happy easter, jesus was crucified so we can all gorge ourselves on egg-shaped chocolates.
Submitted by stacenbass (user info) at 2004-04-08 03:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Does the Baby Jesus glass have salt on the rim?