Suggestions for G.W. Bush... Future Photo Opportunities (1478 hits)
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Submitted by Gent (View user info) at 2004-04-08 14:08:04 EDT
Never, in the history of the office, has a president so effectively utilized photo opportunities to manipulate voters and propel his agenda with the success of one George W. Bush. Throughout his term, his public appearances have resembled elaborate sets, complete with props and stage managers to ensure that his photographs truly capture the mood he is attempting to project... whether as a compassionate conservative, Commander in Chief, or simply, a Man of the People.
Need proof? Go here and see for yourself:
http://www.georgewbush.com/Compassion/PhotoAlbum.aspx?gallery=29
I don't know for certain, but I feel pretty confident that in the past, Presidents didn't have pictures of themselves snuggling up to minorities on their websites... donning a construction helmet as if he is actually helping to drive the nails into the foundation of the low-income housing... in a classroom reading "Horton Hears a Who" to first-graders as if he could actually read (alright, he can probably read, he just doesn't like to)... and serving turkey to our soldiers in Iraq on Thanksgiving.
Now here is a good opportunity to stop and examine these photo ops that he so capably embraces... and let's start by talking turkey. We know now that the famous photo of Bush holding a seemingly scrumptious turkey contained at least one fake bird... and that was the turkey. Yes, it turns out the bird was anything but delicious... unless you like eating plastic (and no, it wasn't PHB, the "Plastic You Can Eat": http://www.firstscience.com/site/articles/sykes.asp). The truth is, the Bush PR people just couldn't find a turkey that truly captured the perfect look of a real, cooked turkey, and, therefore, they brought in the ringer. Beads of delicious turkey moisture glistening on the golden brown skin, it's turkey belly swollen with stuffing that pressed pregnantly from between it's turkey legs... it was, what you would call, an artist's rendition of a turkey... and it was a masterpiece at that. The guy that made that work of art is literally the Rembrandt of the fake turkey art world (which is a budding genre, so I am told).
But this is just one example of the Roveian deceit at play in Bush's public appearances... here are a few more:
- Bush donning the flyboy suit standing in front of a banner that read "Mission Accomplished", on an aircraft carrier, addressing troops and proclaiming VICTORY in Vietn... I mean Iraq. Interesting note here... it turns out, the "Mission Accomplished" banner was printed and hung on the carrier by aliens. The Bush camp said they have no idea where it came from, the aircraft carrier people also deny knowledge of it's conception. So, like I said, it was either Aliens or Russians... damn Russians, always trying to make us look stoopid.
But here's another thing about Bush's appearances that are along these same lines... he almost always, exclusively, gives his public appearances while surrounded by members of the Armed Forces. He actually (and this is a new one) has a little fenced off section far away from where he will be that is reserved for protestors. God forbid those cameras pick up any hint of dissent. No, far better for those cameras to see Bush standing before a sea of camo-wearing, "Ho-Ah" screaming, men and women who are commanded to cheer for their Commander in Chief.
- The Man hired actors to play 9/11 firefighters for his campaign commercials. His reason... they're cheaper than the real thing. Compassionate Conservative indeed. Here's another thing... he set up mini-sets on Ground Zero, putting firefighters in action poses and jumping in for a quick photo. Bush using tragedy for political gain? Outrageous! He doesn't have a history of doing anything like tha... oh wait.
So, I thought I'd be a GOOD AMERICAN and come up with a little list of future photo opportunities that would allow America to see Bush in all his splendor... a Compassionate Conservative... A Warrior Prince... a Man O' the People... an cat lover a dog lover a wife lover a baby lover a black lover a Mexican lover a terrorism hater a Reagan admirer a book reader a turkey server a plane flyer and so much more. And, in recognition of Bush's advanced degree in business, we're going to make this a group project. Meaning, I welcome your suggestions below. So here we go...
1) Bush should get a photograph of him punching the shit out of a camel - Think about it... what represents the Middle East more than a camel? Without the camel, we wouldn't have our favorite term of derision, Camel Jockey. I got this idea a couple days ago, when I saw a man driving around with a bumper sticker that read: "I'd travel 10,000 miles to smoke a camel". This phrase was illustrated by a picture of an AK-47, and an Arab on camelback. (Here's an aside: Remember those commercials that depicted a paralyzed Christopher Reeves rising out of his wheelchair and walking for the first time? I always thought a better commercial would've been Reeves rising from the chair, tearing off his suit to reveal a Superman outfit, and flying off to a farm, to find a horse and break it's neck with his bare hands. Because you know he wants to, he hates horses.)
2) Bush should be photographed twisting Saddam Hussein's arm behind his back. The story could be something like: "Bush, tired of the slow progress being made in interrogations, takes matters into his own hands with the Butcher from Baghdad." Think of the possibilities... Bush could have his sleeves rolled up, his face set in a scowl, and maybe he could have his other hand free and cocked back like he was going to punch him. There isn't a paper in the world that wouldn't publish that on it's front page... even that liberal rag the 'New York Times'.
3) Bush kissing a fetus. Because, you know, in actuality, they're really just little, tiny cuddly babies... just without any of the characteristics of real babies. Here I combine a few of Bush's fav-or-ite things... one, his love for pictures of him kissing babies, and two, fetuses (or is it feti?).
4) Bush blocking a church door so that a gay couple cannot pass through to be married. Because this picture would illustrate what we all know... gays don't derserve happiness... they deserve dark closets and anonymity. And if they don't like that, they deserve handcuffs. Get it?
5) Finally, I think a picture of Bush riding a nuclear weapon that had just been dropped from a plane down into Baghdad, waving his cowboy hat, and screaming, "yee-ha". You know, just like Slim Pickens' character Major T.J. "King" Kong in the final scene of 'Dr. Strangelove'. Because really... wouldn't that bomb take care of two of our biggest problems?
And like I said, I welcome your contributions and suggestions for future Bush photo ops.
Bibliography:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/ac2/wp-dyn/A33090-2003Dec3?language=printer
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/10/29/iraq/main580661.shtml
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/4467791
User Reviews
Submitted by Aaron <smith_aaron.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-04-13 09:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very, very good. Nice work!
Submitted by readytogo (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great work!
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-04-09 18:49:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha!! I love it.
Submitted by glam_daddy (user info) at 2004-04-09 17:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking piceless!
"it turns out, the "Mission Accomplished" banner was printed and hung on the carrier by aliens"
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-09 10:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Will:
I wasn't really paying attention when Ubermadness started... and then I was pissed because I wanted to be a part of it. I'm following it pretty closely though.
Bungle:
For the most part, the conservos on this site have been pretty fair with this post (domenad in particular)... except for the person below... but I doubt he actually read it. If he had, he would've realized it was more about being funny than being political.
Submitted by SPE (user info) at 2004-04-09 10:32:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
welcome to the 21st century asshole
Submitted by Mr.Bungle (user info) at 2004-04-09 10:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for being anti-Bush and being funny as hell! But now you have to put up with all the conservatives on this sight calling you a liberal and telling yuou that you should die for opposing them.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-09 10:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I expected a one word post. "resign".
Thanks for surprising me.
are you in Ubermadness? if not...why the fuck not?
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-04-09 10:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish there were more posts like this.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-08 20:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not you, Phinch... Bush.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-08 20:30:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No we're not. There are knee-jerk democrats, and I'm not one of those. There are also knee-jerk republicans, and both suck equally. I just know when to point out a piece of shit when I see one.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-08 17:59:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
crazy liberals. you are all the same.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-04-08 17:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was Itchy who doesn't know his cheese, not me.
(is that going to end up on one of those "what the fuck" posts)
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're probably right, Rixes. No more Bush bashing for me... my next post will be:
OMG DID U SE JAKASS LAST NIGHT LOL
You'll love it.
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Odd's are your gonna get more +2 cause democracts are lazy fucks who screw around at work all day. Tee hee hee he made fun of bush, hes so funny and original.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TwEE (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is there one thing the Bush administration has done that isnt sleazy?
Maybe super hero Jesica Lynch will be able to save his credibility...
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not THAT rabid, Gent. If I read something well-written, it'll get a favorable review, even if it criticizes something I believe in. Plus your satire was funny. In fact, you were funnier than two other Bush critics that sold a crapload of books, Franken and Moore. You blew that one anus, Garafolo out of the water. Maybe you should consider something to publish, or radio. At any rate, I'll never rip a post just for its "category" or the like.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-08 15:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, Domenad... what is this world coming to if you don't rip the shit out of this post? But I think that turkey was plastic.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-08 15:56:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best political commentary post I've read in a long time, possibly ever.
Excellent, excellent work. May the gods reward you with lots of good sex and chocolate.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-08 15:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-08 15:52:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
NOt bad satire, although I think it was a bit unfair. The turkey Bush held wasn't fake, it just wasn't eaten - it was a centerpiece, I believe. A camapign ad with Bush putting Hussein in the camel clutch would be priceless, though.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-08 15:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Feta, loki.
I am assigning you homework, go research your cheeses.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought feti was a cheese.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good stuff Darth... I think I missed that episode.
Loki: The turkey story is most definitely true... that's why I included the bibliography.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No fucking way. The menu was really, "Seered beef tenderloins with golden tomatoes on an herb-encrusted baguette. Grilled garlic chicken with smoked gouda on a honey wheat wrap. Fruits and gourmet olives and crudite."
When I read about it, I thought they at least served finger foods. Now I have a really nice mental image of all these stuff shirt types who paid $2,000 a plate eating beef tenderloins with their hands like Saxons. This is too too funny.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DarthAwesome (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The daily show went to town on the white house after they tried to pin the blame on the aircraft carrier crew.
"You know those elite Navy Banner Hangers. If you give those SOBs a banner, they will be damned if it isn't hung, regardless of orders."
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nice work, Loki.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/29626#463951
http://www.ubersite.com/m/29626#463953
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way Gent, not that I've gotten the credit I deserve but I solved the bannergate mystery: http://www.ubersite.com/m/17445
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy rules.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:27:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I meant to post a photoshopped picture up here as well... but I forgot. It doesn't really matter though... the "compassion" pictures from the Bush website are funny enough.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please please please tell me that this thing about the fake turkey is a joke.
There was a hubbub here over the fact that they refused to give out utensils to that $2,000 a plate dinner because they didn't want clinking sounds to interfere with his speech. I have to say, I've never been distracted by utensils and I'm the one with ADD.
I just want a picture of him making a concession speech.
Oh but I have a funny story about fake food. I have a family friend who owns a rather expensive restaurant. It's one of those places everything is off menu, caviar on the salad bar, that type of deal. They wheel out a dessert cart for you to pick what you want. One day this particularly spoiled little shit kid was demanding an ice cream sundae. The waiter was trying to get everyone else's order and little shit kid kept yelling "now now now". You know maybe it was little George, it seems like something he would do. Ok, get the picture. Well before the waiter could get back to the kitchen to get the little shit the sundae, he decided to be proactive and get it himself. He snatched it off the cart and took a big bite of Crisco. That's right, none of the desserts on the cart are real. They are there for look at pretty and because ice cream has a tendency to melt, the ice cream desserts are made from Crisco.
Oh sweet jebus, how I am a fan of schadenfreude.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You smell.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(Here's an aside: Remember those commercials that depicted a paralyzed Christopher Reeves rising out of his wheelchair and walking for the first time? I always thought a better commercial would've been Reeves rising from the chair, tearing off his suit to reveal a Superman outfit, and flying off to a farm, to find a horse and break it's neck with his bare hands. Because you know he wants to, he hates horses.)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-04-08 14:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment