Talented Uber writers, I call upon you again. (702 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.28 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ugly <UG_A_LY.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-08 15:26:47 EDT
I tried this a while ago and got mixed comments from everyone. I decided that I wanted to try my hand at writing again. I am not sure whether you will consider this good or not, but what I am looking for is constructive criticism. I want to know what it is that I am doing wrong (other than writing) and how I can improve it (other than cutting my hands off). Thank you.
"Boy!"
Jerhyn didn't recognize the voice or any of his surroundings. He sleepily gazed over the ill-lit room to find where the voice originated.
The room was dark, cold, the air foul. He could barely see the floor, but could see enough to notice the black substance; it parted away from him with each step he took, almost as thick as molasses. The walls were made of earthen brick, and the north wall had a small window with iron bars in it, letting in a small amount of light from the waxing moon. The only other opening to the room was the small wooden door with rusted hinges and no handle.
"Boy! Are you awake?" He spoke deeply. It sounded like he was trying to lower his voice and whisper, but was too deep to do so.
"Who're you? Where am I?" Jerhyn asked, still looking around the room, searching for the man.
"My name is Barek, and we're in a containment cell. One of the ugly things threw you in here a couple hours ago."
"Ugly things? What're you talking about? Where are you?"
Barek emerged from the corner of the room. As he drew nearer the light, his dark skin began to radiate pale green. He was at least a foot taller than Jerhyn, and several times stronger as well. His bulging muscles outlined the tattered black cloak he wore, illuminated by his body's glow. His face had scars all over it, the most prominent on his forehead.
Jerhyn stared in awe as the glowing man walked closer, his skin losing its shimmer as he left the moonlight. He slowly began to walk backwards, countering the other's movement towards him. YOU are an ugly thing, he thought to himself, but figured it best not to say so.
"Don't be scared boy, I'm not gonna hurt you. What is your name?" Barek asked.
"M-m-m-my name is Jerhyn."
"What's wrong boy? You gotta stutter? I told you, don't worry I'm not gonna hurt you, unlike the person that did that to your eye. Just what did you do to piss off the ugly things?"
Jerhyn didn't even notice his eye was throbbing until the man drew attention to it. He reached to touch it, feel how it was doing. He winced as the fingers drew nearer to their target, pain shooting through him. After pulling his hand away, he glanced at it and noticed the blood. His attention was again drawn towards the bulky man walking at him.
"What are you? You're the scariest looking creature that I've ever seen. I've never seen a man glow before. What are you some kind of freak?" Jerhyn asked, now calmed down, but his cocky attitude beginning to show.
"I'm asking the questions boy!" Barek was shouting now, no longer trying to mask his voice. "When I'm done you can have your turn. Don't even try to act tough with me either, I will end you." The sound of his booming voice reverberated off of the walls. Jerhyn jumped back at the sudden retort from Barek, losing his balance. He stumbled backwards until his body met the wall.
"Now, answer my question. What'd you do to piss them off?" Barek demanded.
"I didn't do anything. My brother and I were outside trying to repair the leak in our cottage. We started hearing screaming, children crying. We stopped and peered over our shoulders just in time to see those creatures emerging from the forests, and pour into our village. He grasped at his shirt and it took a circular shape where it his hand was."
"Then he yelled, 'Run Jerhyn! Get away from here, I will come looking for you in a day or two.' And with that, he bolted into the forest. I started to run, but I hit my head on a rock after tripping, and then I woke up here."
"You sound like you are really uncoordinated. Tripping when running for your life, stumbling when I yell. You can't even walk straight. Good thing you aren't a warrior, you'd be dead inside 20 seconds. It also sounds like your brother's good for nothing. Look at what he..." Barek cut his speech off short, turning sideways to miss the feeble punch coming from Jerhyn. "Just the hell do you think you're doing boy? You might want to choose your fights a little wiser."
Jerhyn's face was distorted with anger. His eyes were cocked, his face crimson red, his breathing heavy, and his body shaking. His anger only grew as Barek began to laugh hysterically.
"EEEAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Jerhyn screamed, as he ducked his shoulder and charged at Barek.
As he hit Barek he felt like he had just tried to run into the wall. His body ricocheted off the burly man and fell to the floor. Laughing, Barek walked a little closer, his body emanating light as he stepped into the moonlight again. As he approached Jerhyn, he extended his hand to help Jerhyn up.
A shrill scream erupted from outside the door. The sound of the voice was so harsh that it was painful to the ears. Barek and Jerhyn were both staggering in the darkness, grasping their ears. The lock on the door was thrown, and the door opened. The screaming stopped, and the stink grew.
The black figure stood in the doorway, its face, slightly lit from the shimmering light of Barek, was hideous. Jerhyn stared in disbelief as he overlooked the grotesque man standing before him. He wore a hooded black cloak, and stood a little taller than Jerhyn. He had long brown locks, and wore sporadic facial hair, as if he had yet to be able to grow a full beard. His face marred by burn scars and little holes secreting the same black substance that was on the floor. His eyes deep blue, and familiar.
Jerhyn stood up, removed his hands from his ears, and stumbled forward, trying to get a closer look. When the creature extended its mangled hands, Jerhyn jumped back. The man slowly removed his hood, and when he did, Jerhyn's face turned white, as a familiar image flashed through his mind. He spoke to it with a trembling voice, shaking more than ever before.
"F-F-Father?"
User Reviews
Submitted by funk_boy (user info) at 2004-05-25 08:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Ok.
Thought some of the dialogue was a little sketchy.
I'm not skilled in this art enough to give advice though.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-04-21 12:41:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sucks.
you're a bed shitting retard asshole licking kike nigger jew fairy fucking anal taster from iraq fucking nigglet american infiodel lamer.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-04-09 02:45:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Edit. Re-read anything you write, and get rid of the parts where there are too many words, or it's simply a little convoluted:"As he hit Barek he felt like he had just tried to run into the wall" might be better as 'hitting Barek was like running into a wall', or something. Everything reads better if it's streamlined - writing that's too involved, too often, can stop the story from flowing. The trick is to put those descriptions, the details, into the writing without being obtrusive about it.
Good imagination, though, and nice pacing.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-04-09 02:22:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
One quick question, if anyone is reading this still.
Is it ok if I do the YOU thing? Or should it follow the same rules as "Eaaaaagghh?"
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2004-04-08 22:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fist off, at first i thought you said you were lookiung for destructive criticism.
second off, this made me think of futurama:
Roberto: "What's a'matta red, YOU SCARED?!?"
Fry: "N-n-n-n-nn-n..."
Roberto: "Noticably? I'll say so. Now get out of my way, I gotta practice my stabbing. Hiyaa! HIYAA!"
And thirdly, well done.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-04-08 17:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the help. I didn't really expect people to like it, that was a shocker.
Loren, I see what you mean when you say don't repeat things too often. I will make sure I look for that.
JMG, thanks for the tips on the proper stuff
Spike, good thing you pointed that out to me, I just chose a bunch of names that I kinda liked. Came up with them in a few seconds so...
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-08 17:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I want to hear the rest of the story, so that is good! I think this is pretty well written, over all. It does have some wordy areas.
A couple of suggestions from an avid reader's standpoint.
"My brother and I were outside trying to repair the leak in our cottage. We started hearing screaming, children crying. We stopped"
~I would go with "we heard screaming" hearing screaming doesn't flow as well.
"I started to run, but I hit my head on a rock after tripping, and then I woke up here."
~Lots of awkward going on there. Too wordy, we need to know he ran. We probably need to know he fell and blacked out. I don't know that we need to hear about the rock or where he ended up? Pare something out of that one, if you can.
"emanating light as he stepped into the moonlight again"
~too many lights.
Most importantly...KEEP WRITING! You have a nice way of revealing the story.
Submitted by Yesteryear (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:51:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is good, you should continue. Just one thing, sometimes you used "he" or "him" too much and i wasn't exactly sure who you were talking about.
"He grasped at his shirt and it took a circular shape where it his hand was."
Umm...I had to read this a few times before I realized who they all were so yea, use nemes a little more in there circumstances.
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it, keep going...
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:16:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Luke. I am your fathah.....
Seriously:
------ a few of my constructive critisms (not content oriented)----------------
"small window with iron bars in it, letting in a small amount of light from the waxing moon. The only other opening to the room was the small "
---Three "smalls" in one sentence. Not good.
-----------------------------------------
"drew attention to it. He reached to touch it, feel how it was doing. He winced as the fingers drew"
---Ditto - try not to use the same words over and over. It sounds too elementary.
-----------------------------------------
"He was at least a foot taller than Jerhyn, and several times stronger as well."
---"and" takes care of "as well" meaning you should not add unnessessary words like "as well."
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"and the stink grew. "
--- and the stink grew what?
-----------------------------------------
"slightly lit from the shimmering light of Barek"
--- you mention how Barek is lit up way too many times.
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alright, I laughed my ass of at the first paragraph and didn't even bother to read the rest.
I want to know what I'm doing wrong (other than writing) and how I could fix it (aside from cutting my hands off).
I almost feel like you're talking about one of my responses.
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-04-08 16:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Said flashing image being darth vader.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-08 15:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The names of your characters sound too similar. Say them aloud three times fast. See what I mean? A two character story about Jenny and James, Biff and Dick, or Suzanne and Brian becomes harder to follow than a two character story about Angela and Biff, or Dick and Rosalie.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-08 15:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i liked it
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-04-08 15:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great job. Here are a few of my pointers:
1. "and several times stronger as well"
This is telling. You don't want to tell. You want to show. For example, you could say, "His shirt stretched to contain his bulging muscles."
2. "EEEAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH!"
When someone screams, it's not in all caps. All caps are never used, not even for emphasis. If you wrote, "Eaaaagh!" That would be a more acceptable way to write it, at least according to the rules of creative writing.
3. "It also sounds like your brother's good for nothing. Look at what he..."
It should read, "It also sounds like your brother's good for nothing. Look at what he---" A dash is used for sudden interruption. Ellipses (...) are used when trailing off.
Great stuff, and I'd love to read more of this story!
Submitted by nrlarn395 (user info) at 2004-04-08 15:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What you are doing wrong is typing sentences out and then putting them were people can see them.
What you can do to improve this situation is to do as many drugs as possible.
To start off take some acid, mescalin, mushrooms, and salvia.
Then smoke opium and inhale some ether.
Whatever comes out will be good.