Look At Me And Smile (1279 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrinkDDT (View user info) at 2004-04-09 14:37:26 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
I've never been one to act my age.
By the age of seventy-five, and with no one to spend time with, I was certainly at a loss when it came to entertaining myself. I played Bingo every Wednesday, and Bridge every Thursday. I didn't have any children and all of my friends were already gone. I was a lonely old man.
Occasionally I would go to strip clubs and gaze at hot, young, female ass. Thats an entirely different story altogether.
So, when it came to having fun, I didn't have much going for me. I began to rely on spontaneous instances of humor to amuse myself. Instances that would only be amusing to someone late in life. Instances that only people near the end of the road would even have the guts to create.
Last Wednesday, at the bookstore, I found myself in such an instance.
That morning, I began my day with a normal breakfast--three boiled eggs and a tall glass of prune juice. I read the paper with my breakfast. When I was done, I eased down (damn the hemroids)in my trusty recliner and grabbed "Cuba Libre", by Elmore Leonard, off the coffee table. Much to my dismay, I only had the twenty-sixth chapter left to read.
I quickly finished the book. It was only nine o'clock in the morning, and I was pretty sure I wasn't going to die that day, so I needed something to occupy my time. I grabbed the keys to my enormous Lincoln and left.
I drove the entire way to the bookstore with my left blinker on, just to spite young drivers. Ten miles per hour under the speed limit, too. This is just one way that someone who is waiting for death amuses himself.
--
Thirty minutes later, in the Western section at the Barnes and Noble down the street from my house, I felt an unbeleivable need to break wind. And by break wind, I mean fart. Bust ass, flagulate. Toot, if you will.
Turning my head, I could see there was no one in the aisle with me except a man in a dark business suit. What the hell, I figured. I let loose.
"Baaaawwwww!". My rear end sounded off like a foghorn. The man in the suit jumped as if he'd been goosed from behind. He looked at me and smiled, embarassed. He probably thought I was cute--an old man busting ass in public.
There was nothing cute about the eventual smell, though. Apparently the man had had boiled eggs for breakfast that day too, and was not interested in a second helping. When the aroma of twice cooked egg yolks wafted from my corduroy pants to his nose, he took his Larry McMurtry selection and got the hell out of Dodge.
"Hmmph." I thought. That was fun.
I strolled to Romance section. Here I found a middle aged woman pushing a stroller, looking at the latest Danielle Steele. I grabbed a random book off the shelf and frowned at the artist's rendition of Fabio on the front cover. I cocked my head to the side and looked at the woman and her baby.
"Beeeeeewww!" This fart was high pitched and sounded like air being quickly let out of a balloon. The woman and her baby both looked at me and smiled. I pretended not to notice and concentrated on Fabio's massive pecs. In my periphial, I could see the woman slowy and deliberately breathing through her mouth.
"Bah, Romance stinks!" I said as I left them alone in the aisle. At this point, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.
In the Children's Section I found my next victim. A little boy sat on a footstool, reading a Harry Potter book. I stood next to him, gleefull in my anticipation. Thanks to the stool, the boy's face was directly in the "line of fire". A step closer and the crack of my ass would have been on the bridge of his nose.
"Blup. Blupblupblup. Blupblupblupbllllbup. Blup." A series of loud reports clacked away like an old typewriter. The little boy looked up at me and smiled, sheepishly. But I was frowning. Suddenly, this little game wasn't so amusing anymore.
There I stood, seventy-five-years old, in the Children's Section of Barnes and Noble.
With crap in my pants.
User Reviews
Submitted by <eggamuffin11.at.htomail.com> at 2004-06-22 01:53:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by <eggamuffin11> at 2004-06-22 01:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-05-26 17:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehe, how distinctly odd.
The bloke in the photo looks like my mate's dad though.