The Ultimate Cat Fight (3732 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.88 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phoenix <volklcess.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-09 14:45:20 EDT
My boyfriend's good friend, Lee is a 32-year old forever stuck in the mindset of a 16-year old. To say I dislike him wouldn't be fair, but I do think he's quite chauvinistic and not my idea of a "stand-up guy." However, if I one day decided it was up to me to pick and choose Matt's friends, we probably wouldn't be together, so I'm always nice to Lee, and regardless what I think of him, we get along great.
Yesterday I had the pleasure of meeting Lee's girlfriend. I knew very little about her - she wanted to have a threesome with Lee and Matt (not in a gay way, in a being-fucked-in-more-than-one-hole kind of way), she'd flash her boobs to anyone at the snap of Lee's fingers, she was 21, married, had a kid, and still referred to Lee as her "boyfriend," and according to Lee she was *HOT*. As a matter of fact, Lee hyped up her looks so much, I half expected this girl to emerge right from the pages of one of my Victoria's Secret catalogs.
But *HOT* she was not. She had her hair sloppily shoved up underneath a filthy white Budweiser cap, her eyebrows were crudely drawn in as upside down V's brutally arching over each eye, her nose resembled Cameron Diaz's flat little beak on steroids, excruciatingly long neon pink fingernails, and below her belly button was quite an eyesore of a trail of pubic hair. She was by no means ugly, but *HOT* was not the word I would've picked to illustrate her. Maybe "cute in a white trash kind of way" would've better described her.
Lee took a seat in our circle of friends who had showed up at our house uninvited while his girlfriend chose to be recluse and stand not only outside our little social circle, but about ten feet behind it. She'd said not a word to anyone. No "hi"s or "hello"s. Briefly I'd leaned far back in my chair to introduce myself and have her tell me her name was Carly, but that's where her contribution to the conversation ended. She stood as a spectator of our circle, pouting, arms crossed, anti-social. I wrote her off as shy, but ultimately, that was not the case.
After they'd been at our house long enough that it was apparent they weren't leaving anytime soon, Lee pulled up a chair next to him and motioned to Carly, "Come have a seat next to me, babe." Not rude. Not demanding. Just a nice gentlemanly gesture (and really it was because the last thing I'd ever refer to Lee as is a "gentleman").
But Carly did not want to sit down. Carly was by no means shy, I came to discover. She was just a bitch to the highest degree, and when Lee told her to "have a seat," she snapped.
"I don't have to do what you fucking tell me to do. I can think for myself. I'm not at your beck and call. Fuck you. I don't want to fucking sit down. How DARE you tell me what to do! You're such an asshole. You're a fucking jerk. Don't tell me what to fucking do."
Silence fell over the group of five, all who thought briefly that perhaps their ears had deceived them. After all, Lee had only asked her to "have a seat," not go blow her brains out. It's one thing if you and your boyfriend have issues, but entirely another to cause a scene over something simple in front of your boyfriend's friends.
Lee tried a laugh. "Pretty ornery, isn't she?"
"Fuck you."
"Jesus, calm down. He just asked you to have a seat. You act as though he asked you to strip down and have sex with our circle." Much to my dismay I discover it's me that's said this.
"What did you say to me?" She's fuming now. Steam is pouring out of her ears and she's turned a distinct color of red.
"I told you to calm down."
There was an almost imperceptible stillness in the group in those brief seconds before she lunged at me, teeth bared, eyes red, and I could almost swear she was growling. My chair tumbled to the ground as I hustled to get to my feet, but I was only partially up when she collided into me, both of us tumbling to the ground in a ball of turmoil and hair pulling.
As is customary when there's a group of four guys and two girls and the two girls start fighting, did the guys break up the fight? Of course not. They played paper rock scissors to see who'd go get the beer; they started wagering on who would win, and they started cheering.
I rolled over and straddled her, slamming my fist into her hideous snout to the cheers and shouts of my male comrades, but I didn't have the upper hand for long when she kneed me in the back and yanked my hair back, an agonizing pain shooting through my scalp. Blindly I struck out, hoping, praying to come in contact with flesh. I hit nothing so resorted to kicking and crushed into something that made a bone-chilling cracking noise when my heel linked with it. She let go of my hair long enough for me to see that her nose was bleeding, but I'd simply added fuel to the fire and with more fervor than before, she once again lunged at me.
We rolled off the patio and onto the grass, kicking, biting, punching, ripping at articles of clothing. Both of us were badly bruised and beaten. Carly's nose was pouring out blood, and I was bleeding from the wrath of her ridiculous neon pink nails. We were tired and it was obvious, but neither of us wanted to be the one to back down, so the punches kept coming, driven by nothing but rage we lashed out at each other, and still the guys cheered.
With one last draw of strength, I jammed my elbow into her face, a move sure to leave a black eye, and the punches stopped. She covered her face, and I knew it was finally over. I was victorious. And then she started crying. CRYING! This, the girl who apparently "don't take shit from no one." The guys were trying to decide whether they were happy or sad that the fight was over, while Lee helped Carly's battered body off the grass, and muttered something about how they should probably get going.
Yeah, take that bitch.
User Reviews
Submitted by me <me.at.me.com> at 2004-09-24 04:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahaha
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2004-09-24 04:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was hilarious, but you are braver than me if you could touch a chick with, "below her belly button was quite an eyesore of a trail of pubic hair." Ewwwwwwww.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2004-09-24 04:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for kicking trailer-trash ass and +1 for the old wrestling photo. resourceful one, you are
Submitted by cheruboo (user info) at 2004-07-02 21:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-04-22 12:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done, Phoenix!
Here's a little move that, if applied properly, will end any fight: Backhand them across the throat.
It's not pretty, it's not spectacular, and it requires a little aim. But I guarantee it works. Every time.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-04-15 11:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And to think I missed this action packed event. Let know ahead of time so I can get ringside seats!
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-04-15 06:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic, and at least you won.
Submitted by versus_god (user info) at 2004-04-14 16:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha awesome read!
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Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:49:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
I must say, the woman in the pictures is applying a very sloppy boston crab. Her knees aren't bent all the way and she's not applying pressure to the lower back of the victim. The lady on the ground can easily roll over, reverse it, kick the woman into the ropes and roll her up for the three count.
Just my opinion.
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yea but wrestling sucks so who cares, right?
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-13 21:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All the cat fights I've seen have been depressing. Reading this one was 5 times better than all the ones I've seen
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must say, the woman in the pictures is applying a very sloppy boston crab. Her knees aren't bent all the way and she's not applying pressure to the lower back of the victim. The lady on the ground can easily roll over, reverse it, kick the woman into the ropes and roll her up for the three count.
Just my opinion.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chick fights are the kicker of all ass. This one was above average, although the lack of boobage is disappointing. Keep up the good work!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-10 14:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-04-10 14:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shoulda made that bitch eat curb.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2004-04-10 14:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for a job well done. You should market white-trash-ass-kicking-in-a-can, I'd buy it.
Submitted by Kristen (user info) at 2004-04-10 13:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1. Grab earrings/bellyrings/eyebrow rings and YANK.
2. Snap bra repeatedly. (Damn metal clasps hurt like a bitch)
3. Put all your weight on your elbow and dig it into her boob.
Or, you know, just break her nose, you SAVAGE! :0)
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2004-04-09 19:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha... "cute in a white trash kind of way". I think I'm going to start aspiring for this... hell, for all I know, I'm already there!
Good post, chica.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-04-09 19:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Q-U-A-L-I-T-Y
Well written. Makes me think of the difference between happy-ha-ha fighting and we're killing eachother fighting.
Blue Eyed Teenage Nazi Trailer Queen: That's what she sounds like.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-09 19:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Trying to scare me huh Xena?
I aint a'feared a' ewe! ya hear me?
ok... maybe a little.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2004-04-09 18:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking A.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-04-09 17:43:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll fight a girl.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-09 16:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for daisy dukes...
sounds like you were fighting the chick i dated in 11th grade. especially the eyebrows. we were having a water balloon fight (gay, i know.. i was young, wanted to be laid, bear with me) one day and i hit her smack in the face. her fucking left eyebrow washed completely off her face. people with no eyebrows look scary. <insert shot of that chick charlize theron played in Monster>
Submitted by lenny (user info) at 2004-04-09 16:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Just for
"Jesus, calm down. He just asked you to have a seat. You act as though he asked you to strip down and have sex with our circle." Much to my dismay I discover it's me that's said this.
hillarious
Submitted by jumpinjellyfish (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn...that was great!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:46:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ca...Ca...cat fight.
Reminds of a night in NYC not too long ago...
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't condone senseless violence.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:35:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
And we all know what it takes to do that, right ReallyBored? ...wait...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actually its really hard for a woman to earn my respect. If i try to bang her and she turns me down, i call her a fucking prude bitch. If she does fuck me, then i call her a whore.
hmmm....maybe this is why im still single?....
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work.!
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the visuals I got from this...
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I rolled over and straddled her, slamming my fist into her hideous snout to the cheers and shouts of my male comrades
So..... True
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And we all know what it takes to do that, right ReallyBored? ...wait...
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Youve gained my respect.
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Erika! You shoulda kicked her in the crotch!
She was obviously jealous she wasn't the 'hot one' there and had to prove she was something...
But i doubt 'crying bloody loser' was what she was going for
Submitted by Just-a-guy (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A good solid 2!!!
I love it when my friends kick ass!
Phoenix, you are awesome!
I have visions of jello wrestling stuck in my head and you in that awesome halloween
costume while kicking her white trash ass!!
Submitted by OutLaw (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She had her hair sloppily shoved up underneath a filthy white Budweiser cap, her eyebrows were crudely drawn in as upside down V's brutally arching over each eye, her nose resembled Cameron Diaz's flat little beak on steroids, excruciatingly long neon pink fingernails, and below her belly button was quite an eyesore of a trail of pubic hair.
I'd do her in the butt.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wild. There must be a full moon for psycho bitches out this week.
A shorter version of this happened to me in NYC this past weekend. But there were 3 of them...
"Kicker of all ass" +2
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hahaha, you crack me up Razor!
-Phoenix
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-04-09 15:01:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Jeebus!!!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-09 14:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story was obviously fake.
If it had been real, there would have been a big vat of jello, or at least a mud pit, and the two of you would have been in bikinis which would have "accidentally" come undone.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-04-09 14:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Stop it!"
"No, YOU stop it."
*hiss *
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-04-09 14:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rough and rowdy girl...
a warning to your Matt... you better not slip up pal... or I am grabbing her up.
Rar!
-turtle
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-09 14:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-04-09 14:50:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I love you !!!
Women fighting, dontcha just love it.
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-09 14:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sheer brilliance.
Awesome.
Much better than the roommate series that was starting get a little tired.
This perked me right up.
hehe