Jez Chronicles (1011 hits)
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Submitted by Christian <Mindlessurine999.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-11 14:10:43 EDT
This material belongs to Tucker Max, not me http://tuckermax.com/bd.htm enjoy.
The Tucker Max Saga Continues, Email #24
by Tucker Max
Incident #1: The Jez Chronicles, Episode 2:
Since she first appeared in my stories, Jez has become a very good friend of mine, and a nearly constant source of humorous stories and ridiculous quotes (if you don't know who she is, read Episode 1 first). I am tempted to have her start her own page and type about her life for thirty minutes every day. I guarantee the harrowing combinations of words she could string together would become quite the internet phenomenon, rivaling Maddox's or my page.
One of her best conversations with me was a few weeks ago. I had Jez come over for dinner, and before she even sat down to eat, the fun began.
She started talking about her first marriage. She's the daughter of a strict Southern Baptist Preacher, and ended up getting married at age 19 to the son of a preacher from a neighboring town. Even though she was 19 and had gone to high school, she was completely clueless about the world, and very naïve. For example, when she would get mad at her parents she would go and crawl into her bed, lock the door, turn off the lights, pull down the shades, and flip them off...under the sheets. Then she would cry to herself because she felt so guilty.
So after a very short engagement, she and her fiancé set a date. Jez knew NOTHING about sex, and her fiancé hadn't even tried to touch her breasts, so she decided to learn something before she got married. To further this end, Jez went to a porn store. She described it as such:
Jez "I went to a sex shop, because you know, I had never even seen a man naked."
Tucker "WAIT—What? You were 19 and engaged and you had never even SEEN a naked man."
Jez "NO! I know, it seems crazy now but that's the truth. I stood there for hours just staring at the pictures on the boxes, getting an idea of what a penis looked like."
Tucker "WAIT, WAIT—You had never even seen a PICTURE of a penis? At age 19?"
Jez "No, no idea what they looked like. It came as something of a shock. I didn't expect it to be so veiny and ugly. But I looked at all of them: long, short, thick, thin, black, white, curved, straight. I had no idea there were so many varieties."
Not satisfied with just looking at pictures of dicks, Jez, being the dutiful fiancée that she was bought two tapes so that she could fully educate herself on proper sexual technique --one about sexual tricks and one about proper blowjob technique.
Tucker "You actually bought a video tape about how to give blowjobs."
Jez "Oh yeah, and a dildo to practice on. By the time I got married, I was sucking dick like a gay man. I can make a guy come in like 30 seconds from head."
Tucker "Bullshit. Prove it."
She denied my request. I am upset that we are just friends and not hooking up, but like a good writer I put my art before my dick and goad her on. She tells me about the first time she tried her newly acquired techniques:
Jez "OK, so right after we got married, literally as we were driving to our hotel, I tried to go down on him, you know, give him road head. Now, I had never done this but I was excited about it—you know. WELL! I start unbuckling his pants and he stiffens up and before I can really even get his penis out of his pants he gets all serious and says, 'My conscience won't allow me to do this.'"
Tucker "No fucking way."
Jez "Yes! OH—but that's not the worst part. So we get to the hotel and I am kinda nervous, you know, because this is my first time but I'm excited to try everything out. We get into the room—a Holiday Inn because he is poor and cheap—and I sit on the bed, and he comes over next to me and says, 'Let us pray.'"
Tucker "You can't be serious."
Jez "Oh believe me! Wait—but that's not all! So he prays for at least 30 minutes, and—"
Tucker "30 MINUTES?? HE'S 21 AND NEVER HAD SEX AND HE WAITS ANOTHER 30 MINUTES SO HE CAN FUCKING PRAY?? Why didn't he just pray on the drive there? I mean, since he's not comfortable with road head, he could have at least used his time productively."
Jez "You're telling me—but look—he prays for like 30 minutes, and then when he is finally done, he turns to me and in this serious voice goes, "Let's begin.""
Tucker [Stunned silence for 30 seconds, then...] "How romantic."
She went on to describe how miserable the experience was, but I don't have the heart to get into that in this story. The only good quote from that whole part of the story was this exchange:
Tucker "So did he go down on you?"
Jez "No...he said he was afraid of what it was going to taste like."
Tucker "Have you ever tasted yourself?"
Jez "No, I don't taste myself, but when guys go down on me I like to kiss them, and I've been told I really taste good. That's pretty cool for me."
Another glass of wine and Jez really let loose. She told me about one time right before her surgery (to remove her other vagina) she had a little problem:
"Well, you know me, I am like a man and I never read directions, so I took the Tampon and stuck the whole thing—applicator and all—right up in me and then it got stuck. Took me forever to get it out. I still couldn't figure out how to use them, mainly because my vagina was so small. One time I kneeled over a mirror and couldn't get it in no matter what I did, so my mother told me that if I wanted I could stand on my head and she would put it in for me. I did not take her up on that offer; however, if I did I may have known earlier about my crotch problem."
Then came the real clincher, that special moment that Jez and I seem to always have with each other. We started discussing some of her families vaginal issues, and she told me this story:
Jez "Well, one time, my sister was having problems with her vagina too. Things were feeling weird, and it was that time of the month, but she wasn't bleeding much, and she went to the gynecologist. The Ob/Gyn pulled out her tampon, but she had already had one in, and then pulled ANOTHER one out. She was walking around with three in there."
Tucker "How did she not get toxic shock? I know if I was a girl I would worry about that constantly. Whenever I have a girlfriend I worry about it for her. Toxic shock is scary."
Jez "I don't know. She was fine. The last one did kinda smell though. OH—BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST! My other sister had the same problem, but much worse. She had a tampon stuck in her for months, and when the doctor pulled it out, pus exploded all over his face, and he THREW UP on her vagina! It was awful!"
Tucker [In complete silent disbelief]
Jez "Yeah, my whole family has crotch issues. Ha!"
Incident #2: Tucker is sneaky, plan backfires:
One night I went out and got drunk. I ended up going home with a girl who looked QUITE A BIT better that night than the next morning. I am honestly baffled as to how a woman can put on 30 pounds in one night of sleep.
Anyway, I wake up and cannot remember her name. But I am smooth and I know the drill, so I go find her purse in the living room, look through it, contemplate stealing some money, find her drivers license and see the name. Mission accomplished.
"Well, good morning Stacey."
[A look of confusion] "Who is Stacey?"
[Now I am confused] "Uhhh, that would be you."
"My name is not Stacey."
[I think she's fucking around, so I play along] "OK, and my name isn't Tucker."
"No, your name is Tucker, you showed me your fucking book last night."
[Fine bitch, you want to play ball--batter up] "Well your name is Stacey, because that's what's on your driver's license."
She looks at me with an expression that can only be described as utter contempt. She gets up, and much to my shock and confusion, picks up a completely different purse off of my desk, digs through it, and throws her drivers license at me. Her name is indeed not Stacey.
She dressed quickly. It was awkward and confusing, even for me. Well, confusing more than awkward. You have to actually have this thing called guilt to feel awkward. It all became clear after this phone conversation with TheRoommate:
Tucker "Dude, did you have a girl over last night?"
Roommate "Yeah."
Tucker "Oh shit...Dude, why did you do that? You NEVER bring girls home.
Roommate "What? What are you talking about?"
Tucker "Was that her purse on the ottoman?"
Roommate "Yeah--Don't tell me you took money out of it."
Tucker "NO! What was her name?"
Roommate "Stacey."
Incident #3: Tucker gets "lucky":
The other night I hooked up with some girl. During foreplay we were laying in bed talking about various parts of our body when she mentioned her two tattoos.
She had one right between her breasts; it was her initials in Celtic. She wasn't Irish, so I thought this was weird. I asked her where her other one was. She hesitated, then said:
"Oh well, I might as well show it to you, you're going to see it anyway."
She pulled her pants off to reveal a long string of words right above her vagina, stretching all the way across her pelvis. The lights were low so I had to strain to see it. When I was finally able to focus, I was in complete disbelief.
Set inside alternating blue stars and pink hearts, were the words: "Aren't you lucky?"
I can't make this up.
Incident #4: Tucker comes home to a surprise:
I was out with some friends, and one of the girls with us (we'll call her "Riti") got really, really drunk. She is somewhat manic, and always does her own thing when we are out together. At one point I looked over and saw her leaving the bar with a group of black and Hispanic guys.
One of my other friends wanted to retrieve her, but I stopped her, "Let her go. She can pay the consequences of her actions." Little did I know there would be more than one person paying for her actions...
Later that night we ended up stopping at my place. I wanted to pick something up before we went out to the next bar. As I walked up the stairs, I was greeted by quite the sight:
Laying in front of my door like a pile of inert horseshit, is Riti. Crumpled in her left hand she has her yellow thong underwear.
Tucker "What the hell are you doing?"
Riti "Oh my god...I'm so drunk...Tucker, you have no idea what I had to do to get a cab back here."
Tucker "Look at yourself...I bet your parents are so very proud."
The best part was that my fucking door was unlocked but the drunk idiot never bothered to try it. I told her go to sleep on my bed, that I'd be home eventually and if I was with a girl I'd just move her to the sofa.
For once in my life I was happy that I didn't hook up. If I did not have a picture, I would not even attempt to tell this story. Here it is.
Yes, that dark stain is exactly what you think it is. THE FUCKING GIRL PISSED MY BED. She got so drunk she urinated all over her pants, my sheets, and my mattress.
I was in complete and utter shock. I literally invented Tucker Max Drunk, and I have never even pissed my bed. Vomiting, now that's a different issue:
Thrown up in my bed—Check.
Thrown up on my dog—Check.
Thrown up on an MTV producer—Check.
Thrown up on a girl's ass while fucking her doggy style—Check. (I have yet to publish that story)
But never PISSED in it.
The shock quickly turned into anger. Had it not been my bed, I would have pissed on her. Instead, I just yelled at her:
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU PISSED MY FUCKING BED YOU STUPID FUCKING WHORE! YOU DISGUSTING BAG OF DONKEY SHIT—I SHOULD CUT YOU BITCH." And so forth and so on until I used up just about every insult and epithet I could think of.
Despite my best effort at verbal abuse, she barely even moved from her slumber. Since yelling was not working, I decided to take a different tact.
I took her hand, wiped it all over the dark urine stain on her pants, and then smeared it all over her face, mouth and hair. I repeated this several times until I could no longer stand the smell.
SPECIAL BONUS STORY: Is this really my life?:
I had not intended to include another story in this email, but this one is literally presenting itself to me as I type, so I've decided to include it.
Right now, 2am on June 1st, as I sit at my computer finishing the last minute editing on the stories you just read, there is a drunk girl in my apartment begging me to have sex with her. I am adamantly refusing, yet she doesn't seem to understand my words. Let's pick up the conversation, in progress:
T "Stop. Leave me alone. I need to finish this."
G "But I want to talk to you."
T "What do you want?"
G "You know what I want."
T "And what is that?"
G "I want to have sex with you."
T "No."
G "Yes."
T "What? No. Stop it. Go away."
G "Why not?"
T "Because I don't want too."
G "Why not? What about a blow job? I still give great head."
T [Look of utter disbelief on my face]
G "Why not?"
T "I DO NOT WANT TO. Jesus, are you serious? Do you have any self-respect."
G "I don't like you at all."
T "Then why do you keep begging to give me head?"
G "I don't know."
I stayed in tonight, a Saturday, because I have lots of work to finish. I'm sitting here sober, trying to finish some writing, and I have a drunk girl begging to suck my dick.
But that's not all. Another friend of mine is over here (I won't call him out) because he was out drinking with her tonight, and he really wants to fuck her, but she's "blowing him off" so she can beg to put her lips on my dick.
This scene is absurd: He is begging her for sex, she is begging to suck my cock, and I just want both of them to leave me alone so I can write.
Is this my life? Am I here right now? I can't even get away from surreal shit when I stay in.
Copyright 2002-3, Tucker Max. All rights reserved.
User Reviews
Submitted by gigabyte (user info) at 2004-05-02 15:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is funny. The kid was just trying to relay this to us, you assholes are morons for the flaming. It was a damn good story.
Submitted by MindlessUrine999 (user info) at 2004-04-11 23:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay, you people seem to lack the intelligence to get it the first time, so let me rephrase. "YOU" - i.e. you people, the uberusers, readers of this post, "DON'T" - are not required to, do not, "HAVE TO" - Need to, sudden feeling to do something, "READ" - to look at something and gain knowledge or some form of entertainment from a type of media, "THIS" - object in question. If you have a condition to where you compulsivly read things that are disinteresting to you, DO NOT BITCH AND MOAN TO ME. It is not my concern, the great thing about this website is, I can post whatever the fuck I want. So fuck off, lick my ass, and get a good look and the smirk on my face. I will continue to post what I want, when I want. So you assholes can whine and call me "unoriginal" all you want, hell, I am unoriginal, I still don't give a fuck. So shove it up your ass. If you don't understand this, there is no hope for you. Go commit suicide immediately. Don't worry, your family won't miss you. You were just a burden to them.
Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2004-04-11 22:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck. You.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/27263
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-11 20:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The more I read, the faster I scrolled down.
Great post !
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-11 17:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Fuck Off.. you didn't have to read it. Retard. "
Have another.
Submitted by rmuser (user info) at 2004-04-11 17:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
We didn't have to read it? You didn't have to post it.
Submitted by MindlessUrine999 (user info) at 2004-04-11 17:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mindlessurine999 is a homage to Little Jimmy URINE of MINDLESS self indulgence. And for the folks that don't like the fact that I posted this.. Fuck Off.. you didn't have to read it. Retard.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-11 16:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
<Mindlessurine999.at.aol.com>
Nice name... Kind of stupid, don't you think? Isn't all urine mindless? Or, have you found some super intelligent urine that you're saving up to take over the world with?
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-04-11 16:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Funny, but you ripped it off another guy- the link would have sufficed. Still, I won't -2 becuase I guess you admitted it. It takes balls to be that open with the sort of flamers you get on Uber.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-11 16:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm sick of these people fully posting other things they didn't do.
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2004-04-11 16:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Old, but still funny. I think Tucker Max is dead. He hasn't updated anything in over a year.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-11 14:56:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Seen this about a fucking YEAR ago. Next time, just post a link to the site. Wait, strike that.
Next time, cut your fingers off and eat them for fucking dinner.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-11 14:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Great. No, I mean it.