The Goddam movies is right, Holden (416 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.6 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shane mcpherson (View user info) at 2004-04-11 17:49:25 EDT
Has anyone seen A Bronx Tale? With Chaz Palmentari and Robert DeNiro? Before you start getting all up and screaming "Oh that movie KICKS ass mothafucka!" let me tell you, A Bronx Tale sucks. I hate it. I've watched it, and never will watch it again. Goddam stupid movie.
I watched it the summer of 2000 with my friends and for months, it was the official kickass epic of the time, until we all decided that we were bored with it (and saw The Excorsist). The movie, I might say, was finely made, a truly honorable directoral debut for the honorable Robert DeNiro. And though Palmentari may not hold his own among the likes of other great mob bosses, he pulled off a swell performance. I mean come on, this movie wasn't exactly trying to be the next "Godfather" (God forbid).
But the following summer, after I had watched it again, most notably the scene with the "door test," I got a dangerous idea. Now whereas many of you may have discovered that movies aren't always the repostory of truth, I was well on my way to coming about that revelation.
So, let me say that the goddam "door test" is pure shit-ass hollywood propaganda. FUCK YOU DOOR TEST! MORE LIKE WHORE TEST, YOU BASTARD!
Sonny: Before you pick her up tonight, C, lock both doors. And when you walk her to her side of the car, unlock it for her. Now, as you walk across the back of your car to get to your door, peek in the back window, and if she doesn't reach across your car to unlock that door for you, dump her.
Calogero: Just like that?
Sonny: Listen to me, kid, if she doesn't reach across that car to unlock that door, it means she's a selfish broad who can't be trusted. You dump her, and you dump her quick.
Oh really Sonny? Just like tough guys can't own guns? I can't wait to see the pussy look on your face with a .32 magnum between your eyes, you over-critical son of a bitch.
*girl reaches across car, unlocks door*
Calogero: YEEEEES!!!!!
*Calogero gets in the car, turns to girl*
Calogero: I always knew you were one of the great ones.
Girl: What are you talking about?
click-click BOOM! click-click BOOM! A cap for each skull. Hope you fucking young lovers had a good time.
Yeah, fucking door test. I tried it and the stupid broad was looking through her purse, face down, totally uninterested, and made me feel like a fucking moron for even thinking of the stupid thing.
We also saw "Open Range" that night which is the shit-ass worst movie in history. God, I wanted to tear my fucking eyeballs out with boredom. And I know, I know, prime time to lean over and make out with the chick, don't tell me. I've heard it all before. I mean, give me a break, I was only 15 years old.
So two movies squuezed their cheeks together to pinch out a disgusting evening, go figure. Sure they can be fun, the can be sad, they can get you going, they can pull the heartstrings, they can provide some quality porn, but Holden Caufield, the main character in The Catcher in the Rye, put it best when he said, "The goddam movies, they will ruin you. I'm not kidding."
Ruin you indeed. Damn you, Sonny, damn you and your stupid Door Test.
User Reviews
Submitted by Confusion (user info) at 2004-04-11 21:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I would like this post more if it can turn in something useful. Like toilet paper, so I can wipe my ass with it.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-11 20:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"We also read this post that night which is the shit-ass worst post in history. God, I wanted to tear my fucking eyeballs out with boredom
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-11 18:09:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i got my license at 15, of course the law has changed since then...
but i never had a girl fail the door test, sorry bud, you need to look for better quality women.
Submitted by UltraJesus4000 (user info) at 2004-04-11 18:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't get it. Why did you feel the need to write down this garbage and share it with the rest of ubersite?
Submitted by stupidwhiteguy (user info) at 2004-04-11 17:51:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait! Shit! I was 16!! 16!! I wasn't driving illegally, I swear...
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-11 17:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'd rather watch Alton Brown make a meatloaf.