Do You See Me? (1653 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.35 on 111 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-04-11 23:30:14 EDT
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Entry 1
==3:37 PM==Calvin Williams began his fifteen minute walk home from school. He walked fast, but he wasn't sure why. His house always scared him for some reason. Then again, almost everything scared Calvin. He was always a little guy. That early high-school growth spurt never seemed to make it to Calvin who, at 15, stood only four feet and nine inches tall. His father was a violent alcoholic who used to beat the tar out of Calvin on a near daily basis until he disappeared one day when Calvin was only seven years old.
Calvin's mother can best be described as a very tired woman. She works two jobs so that she can support herself and Calvin, but she has also grown distant from her only son. Whenever she is at home Calvin is always in the basement building things with his tools. She no longer bothers to determine what he spends his time building since he won't tell her and she can't ever figure out what any of the strange objects are used for. She believes that Calvin has entered a phase in life that all kids go through. Calvin's isolation is just him trying to set out on his own and find his identity.
Calvin knew isolation all too well. At his last school he was expelled for threatening to kill three students who had made school a living hell for him for years. The three boys had cornered him one day on his way home from school and tackled him. They then proceeded to get a piece of dog feces on a stick and smear it all over his face. For the next three days, Calvin scribbled death threats all over his note books directed at the three boys, but he never intended anyone to see them. One student happened to notice Calvin's violent notes and told the three bullies about them who later told a school official. In the end, Calvin was expelled and had to find a new school. The three bullies got nothing.
His new school wasn't much different from his old school. He actually liked it better because he could walk instead of riding the bus where he often had bad experiences growing up. He still had no friends but he wasn't concerned with making friends. He was content being the loner, the guy that everyone said was weird. He really didn't care, he had other things on his mind.
On his way home a car pulled up to Calvin and stopped. Three people hopped out of the car and Calvin knew immediately that it was the three bullies who had always given him a hard time.
The leader of the three, a burly guy named Mike Spitz who was rumored to be a meth head was usually the only one of the three to speak. He walked up to Calvin and grabbed him by the throat. He lifted him in the air for a second and then brought Calvin down to the ground hard.
Mike Spitz spoke in the most threatening voice a high-school kid could muster when he spoke to Calvin.
"The school read your little notes, you stupid fuck! You said I was a fucking druggie in that shit!"
"I'm sorry, please let me go," Calvin squeezed out through his constricted throat.
"The school searched my locker!" Mark screamed at Calvin. "I got expelled!"
At this point Mark reached into his pocket and pulled out a switchblade. With the push of a button, the blade was exposed and was pressed to Calvin's neck.
"I should kill you right here you fuckin' freak."
"Uhh, Mark we should get out of here," one of his cronies said quietly.
"Shut the fuck up!" Mark yelled back.
"Nah man, there's some old bitch looking at us through that window."
Mark looked up at the house and saw the frightened woman trying to see what was happening.
"Shit. Come on. Let's go." Mark said as he finally let go of Calvin's neck. "But I'm not finished with you, you little bitch. You are a dead man, and I am serious about that."
With that said, the three bullies got in their car and sped down the street. The old woman opened her front door and yelled to see if Calvin was alright, but as soon as she started to speak Calvin quickly gathered his things and ran. He ran the rest of the way home at a full sprint and retreated to the basement as he always did when he got home from school. He began to build.
==4:21 PM==
"Do You See Me?"
"Yes, I see you," replied Calvin timidly as he stared at the strange creature crouching in the basement closet.
"Good. Have you finished building the inter-dimensional transporter?" the creature asked as it's eyes grew to two inches in diameter.
"No, not yet. Those three bastards are messing with me again. I think they are going to kill me. I'm scared. I am really, really scared."
The demonic creature poked it's head out of the closet and stared hard at Calvin.
"You little weakling. You are scared of everything. You know that once you finish that machine I can enter your dimension and kill those bastards. I can rip their fucking heads off."
The creature reached it's bony hand out of the closet and made a ripping motion with it's hands, it's large eyes lighting up in the process.
Calvin turned away from the strange creature and thought for a moment. When he turned back around he said this:
"I don't think I want to live in this world anymore. I want to see what your world is like. It must be better than this place."
The creature stared at Calvin intensely. "You cannot come back once you enter my world. It is much different and you will not be able to get used to it for some time. More importantly, you will have no way back to the world you are currently in unless you finish that machine."
Calvin looked at the ceiling as the tears welled-up in his eyes. He spoke through sobs. "I don't want to live in this world anymore. I was never meant for this place. My life has been nothing but pain and it is time to get out. I will try a life in any other dimension than this one, just get me out of here."
The creature stared at Calvin and pondered the implications of this. After a moment it spoke.
"Well, I can't stop you from doing something if your mind is set on it. Are you absolutely sure that you are ready for this?"
"Yes, absolutely," Calvin replied with a sudden calmness.
"Then lean into this closet" said the creature.
Calvin leaned into the closet and the creature pulled out a strange machine from a shadow. He placed the machine on Calvin's head and with it's bony fingers it turned a small dial. All of a sudden Calvin felt a bolt of energy in his brain and he collapsed to his knees.
==6:12 PM==
Calvin's mother returned from work and collapsed into a chair. She listened for a moment and couldn't hear Calvin working with his tools in the basement. She almost always heard her son down there building things when she got home from her first job, so she thought something was strange.
She walked into the kitchen and pulled out two TV dinners and set them on the counter to thaw. She walked to the basement door and opened it yelling, "Calvin are you down there?"
When there was no answer she started descending the stairs. She saw the mess of wood and metal and tools that were strewn all over the basement. This kind of mess was normal for Calvin. She looked to the left and gasped.
Calvin was lying half in the basement closet, half out of the closet. He had a nail gun in his right hand and a nail sticking out from his forehead. His face and the floor were both covered in blood. To everyone that saw the scene, it was clear that Calvin had killed himself.
Nobody knew exactly why it happened. The three thugs always assumed that they caused Calvin to kill himself. Mike Spitz was happy about it. He was actually planning on murdering Calvin anyway. Mike got into a lot of trouble with the law after this when he stabbed a man three times and left him for dead behind a movie theater. He hanged himself a few weeks into his thirty year sentence. The two other thugs were so stunned after the event that they both did time in a mental institution where they claimed they were being haunted by strange creatures.
The End.
- VS -
Entry 2
*The characters in this story are fictional (with the exception of Haddassa-Helena Levkovitz, whose story you can find in one of the links at the end of the post) but the story is based an historical event.*August 20, 1943: Bialystok Ghetto, Poland
Magdalena was determined that her children would not live in a world without singing. Since the night she watched her Jozef's chest open up from bullets, spilling out blood red as rubies (but more precious to Magda than any stone could be), and the SS soldiers herded her and the children onto the trains that went heaving and creaking over the land until they reached the Bialystok Ghetto, her voice had become softer. Now her throat transposed the music into minor keys. Still, she sang. She sang the folksongs of her childhood, the songs her mother sang to her, songs that had passed from lips of Polish mothers through the centuries. It was the one subversive act she had left, the one gift she could still give. Her songs kept her alive, and she secretly suspected that the music of her mothers' was what nourished her children in the absence of sufficient food. Nine years old, four years old...she would scrape up a future for them out of anything she could find, out of every song she could remember.
"Goodnight, Karolina. Goodnight, Zofia." Magda's hands wound their way through her daughters' hair, which had become thin and dull, and no song Magda could summon would bring the luster back. Still, she sang,
"Do you see me, little dove,
Tell me, do you see?
I see you flying high above
Alighting on a tree.
Do you see me, baby mine,
Tell me, do you see?
I see you sleeping in my arms,
Dream on, peacefully.
Dream on, peacefully."
August 21, 1943
Magda woke to the sound of hostile knocking. It was too familiar, too much like their last day at home. Her heart fell into her stomach, throbbing and pumping the blood through her veins so hard she could feel it in her neck. She opened the door.
"Hand over your children," demanded the soldier, "or we will take them forcibly."
Magda cried out, "You have taken my husband, you have taken my home, but you will never take my children!" She turned and called to the girls, "Karolina, take your sister and run! Climb through the window and run!!!"
The soldier's body went tense, but the woman beside him in plain clothes laid a hand on his shoulder. Magda's eyes had been affixed on the uniform, and hadn't noticed the man's silent companion. The woman spoke,
"Please, have peace. Let your daughters come with us. It is best for their safety. My name is Haddassa-Helena Levkovitz, and I have been sent to accompany 1,200 children to a camp where they will be cared for until they can be sent out of the country to England or Palestine. The German government is making a deal to exchange Jewish children for German prisoners of war. Your daughters will be safe." The woman's eyes were warm and reassuring. "Please, let your girls come with me. I will take care of them as best I can."
Magda paused. She could almost believe. Almost. But then the blood surged in her neck again and before she could stop herself, Magda struck the woman across the face. "Liar!" "Run, Karolina!!! Run----"
The soldier knocked her to the ground with the butt of his gun and Magda toppled like a sapling struck by a sharp axe. "Turn aside," he said to his companion.
Rubies spilled onto the doorstep.
The soldier's boots came down hard on the floor as he stepped over Magdalena's body and walked back to the bedroom. He scooped Zofia up in his arms and she wrapped her hands around him, instinctively patting his back with her left hand. "Do not try to run," he said, eyes fixed on Karolina, "unless you want to die like your fool of a mother."
Neither of the girls cried until they reached the train. It was impossible to cry in front of the soldier. He killed the tears, somehow.
For three days and three nights the girls traveled by train along with 1,200 children under the age of 12 from the Bialystok Ghetto to a camp at Theresienstadt. When she was awake, and when she was strong enough, Karolina sang,
"Do you see me, little dove,
Tell me, do you see?
I see you flying high above
Alighting on a tree.
Do you see me, baby mine,
Tell me, do you see?
I see you sleeping in my arms,
Dream on, peacefully.
Dream on, peacefully."
Zofia rested her head on Karolina's chest. The other children quieted, listening to the song.
August 25 to October 4, 1943
Magdalena had been determined that her children would not live in a world without singing, and for the six weeks that they lived in the Theresienstadt camp, the girls continued to sing the songs their mother had sang, the folk songs that had passed from the lips of Polish mothers for centuries. They were well cared for, and had enough to eat. The luster began to return to their hair. The promises seemed true; they were the lucky ones who would escape. Their lives would be traded for German prisoners of war.
Some nights, Zofia could feel her mother's calloused hands on her forehead, winding through her hair. Karolina could see her face sometimes in the moments just before she fell asleep. Magda's voice would softly sing,
"Do you see me, baby mine,
Tell me do you see?
I see you sleeping in my arms,
Dream on peacefully."
Karolina's lips would move gently in her sleep.
"Dream on, peacefully."
October 5, 1943
A special transport arrived at Auschwitz, including the 1,200 children from Theresienstadt. They were immediately gassed, and run through the crematoria. The smoke rose to heaven, hanging in the air like the last notes of a song.
"Do you see me, little dove,
Tell me, do you see?
I see you flying high above
Alighting on a tree.
Do you see me, baby mine,
Tell me, do you see?
I see you sleeping in my arms,
Dream on, peacefully.
Dream on, peacefully."
Karolina was the last to sing it. The Germans had killed Magdalena's husband, Magdalena's daughters, and Magdalena's songs. No one was left who remembered them, the songs that had passed from the lips of Polish mothers through the centuries.
Resources:
http://www.zabludow.com
and particularly,
http://www.zabludow.com/bronkaKlibanski.html
Entry 1:
Anjie
Bigmike
bob
DraconianKing
godking
Herpes
jwlmar10
lucid
ohlookasquirrel
Papajoe
potatomanjack
quack
Scott_James
Slypher
SoapyD
spedmonkey
speeddaimon
tammy
ugaly
wlmk06
17 eligible votes (20 total) *
Entry 2:
Ainkara
AlwaysAnEagle
antluvdog
AshK
bargled
beer-turtle
BLITZKREIG_BOB
Chronic
coley
Death_Metal_Dude
Deisangua
EatMeCompletely
fell-8-me
gascs
griffsrgr8
Heimdallsman
iamhewhoisnot
iddqd
JohnGalt
Judoka
littledan
lizadoolittle
Loren1
Luckystar
Method
Mr_Insanity
mystiamoon
NerfHerder
Phinch
PinkyG
polyamorousaj
Razor
satchel
shark25
SpikeGoddess
T.chow
Titinita
transcendent
triliad
vildy
volklcess
whataefag
William_Q_Percy
WillZone
Yes
yidele
Zod
40 eligible votes (47 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by tammy (user info) at 2004-04-13 22:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lizadoolittle (user info) at 2004-04-13 22:23:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great story. Thank you, #2
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-04-13 20:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-13 20:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tug my heartstrings, bitch.
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-04-13 17:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHA. Whoops! Mark is supposed to be Mike.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought the ending of 1 was very rushed.
I also thought #2 was rushed, and would have enjoyed reading a more filled out version. In the end, I will remember #2.
Submitted by im_evelyn <ack627.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-04-13 15:47:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just like WW2 stories.
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
to clarify: I did not write this.
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In post 1, it's mentioned that only one of the bullies usually does the talking, Mike Spitz. But then there's a "Mark" threatening Calvin. Is this one of the other "bully" kids or did you forget his name?
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-13 12:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked both of these. That song was beautiful...
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-04-13 11:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Mr_Insanity (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by vildy (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-04-13 08:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Papajoe (user info) at 2004-04-13 02:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-13 02:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PinkyG (user info) at 2004-04-13 01:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey thanks Spike! That's the kind of thing I wanted to read! Let's face it though, you won. Congratulations.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-04-12 22:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:34:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
MY POST EXPLAINED:
I tried to leave some things about the post open to interpretation, but here is what my inent was:
Calvin was meant to be insane. The creature was basically a hallucination. From his perspective it was all very real, but from everyone else's perspective Calvin was just a weird guy. It was a Calvin and Hobbes kind of idea with a sinister twist I suppose.
Chill out dude. I got it. I thought it was good. I'm weird because I knew exactly what you were talking about.
2 was excellent as well.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-12 21:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
jwlmar10,
It's not over till it's over. We were dead close in the beginning of the voting, and there is enough time left before Wednesday that it could very well turn again. In the case of you DQing yourself it is my call as to whether you get DQed or not, according to the UberMadness rules. I will not disqualify you for 'outing' yourself in replies. The people who have yet to vote can't see it anyway, so I don't see it making a difference in the outcome. If the tide turns again and you get the majority of the votes, I will not have you DQed. You might say "that's not going to happen", but I think that it definetely could.
I for one really liked your post, and 15 people liked yours better than mine. That is FAR from being a failure. It's hard in this competition becuase you are forced to choose between two things when under normal circumstances you might give both of them +2s and lots of praise. Listen, I read your post before I saw how the voting was going and it certainly had me very nervous. But you wanted feedback, not compliments. I had to give you credit where credit is due, though.
As for feedback, I think that you could improve it by sticking with one point of view the whole time. As it is now you're showing what everyone thinks, first Mom, then the Bully, then Calvin. I think you have to choose whether to stay from Calvin's perspective or to stay with 'society's' perspective. It's really hard to do because in either case you're going to lose something, but you need that continuity. Your intent is to leave some things unanswered, but I think that in some cases, you give us too much. Go through and decide which facts are VITAL for us to have, and which are not. The ones that aren't vital need to be selectively cut so that the story is a bit easier to follow.
As to the ending, I think you have a few different choices. You have to go FULLY with whatever you choose. The problem throughout the post right now is that you have so many ideas and are trying to write all of them. The same seems true with the ending. You've either got to tell in detail how it all happens from Calvin's point of view, or you need to skip his p.o.v. entirely and try to reconstruct what happened through the eyes of another character. It might be interesting to show the story of how he is found. Does his Mom find him? Then what happens? The police come? Who comes to the funeral? What gets said in the eulogy? Does the bully cry in the church? Maybe that's going much farther than you want to go with the story, but it's just a thought.
I think you might want to tell the whole thing from Calvin's p.o.v. You can show that other characters don't "get" him by describing their facial expressions, body movements, and through their dialogue as they interact with Calvin. You can show his thought process as being "off" just by the way you write it, which is something you can't show if you go with society's perspective. Get inside his head and let us as readers go there too. Many of us will think that he's 'crazy' by what you show. But "crazy" is always a judgement word. You can only provide the evidence and let the readers make their own judgements (which I can tell you realize by your comments on the post. I like how you said "this is what my intent was, how can I achieve it." That's the best way of asking for critique.)
One more note, which I just can't stop myself from saying, despite the fact that I'm feeling like everyone is about ready to beat me with sticks and saucepans for constantly harping on mental health facts throughout this competition. From what you describe, Calvin sounds like he would qualify for a diagnosis of schitzophrenia, or at the very least, schitzotypal personality disorder. Now, the useful thing about that is that you could do some research on the schitzophrenia spectrum and get ideas about how people who have thought disorders think and behave. That could give you a lot more material and enrich your ideas of how to lead us down this path that your character is walking. You don't ever have to say that he is schitzophrenic, it's just another source for information to help you get inside of him better.
I want to know what he's thinking just before that nail gun goes through his head. I want to be there with him though all of it. I want to know what it's like to live his life.
If you do a rewrite on this, (and I hope you do) please post it. I know I'm not the only one who would love to read it. And please, don't stop writing fiction. You obviously have an untapped talent that you haven't been using.
Don't let people's comments get to you. This is Uber, and you know how much people love to come up with little quips. They do it more for the fun of coming up with the phrases than anything.
SpikeGoddess
(p.s.---Do you really want to make babies?.....)
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 21:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm trying to go out with some dignity here, but people like you and loren make it a little hard. You guys are like the asshole fans that throw shit at baseball games. Nobody likes you except other jackasses.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 21:23:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-12 20:55:36 (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, Walmart... did you just bang your loser? it looks really sore... "
Wow, Percy... did you just bang your head? You seem really dumb...
If you would have read my replies, I have said numerous times that the other post deserved to win. She was winning by a landslide so I just said "fuck it" and decided to start replying with my own name because it's a pain in the ass to sign off all the time.
All that I am trying to do is get some fucking feedback about my writing. Is that so hard to understand? Do you comprehend that Willie Q?
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-04-12 21:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-12 20:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, Walmart... did you just bang your loser? it looks really sore...
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-12 20:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MY POST EXPLAINED:
I tried to leave some things about the post open to interpretation, but here is what my inent was:
Calvin was meant to be insane. The creature was basically a hallucination. From his perspective it was all very real, but from everyone else's perspective Calvin was just a weird guy. It was a Calvin and Hobbes kind of idea with a sinister twist I suppose.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:15:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
I do think it is much more fun to not reveal yourself until the end, though. "
Yea, sorry. I'm not trying to ruin the fun, I'm just trying to get some more feedback.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:15:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I do think it is much more fun to not reveal yourself until the end, though.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-11 23:48:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
Number 2 was beautifully written and very touching, but number 1 was fucking crazy weird. I have to vote for number 1.
Both great posts.
Hee-hee. I like going back and reading how people rate themselves to keep who wrote the post secret. Your post was very cool. I just didn't get it. :)
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not the quick ending comment. That was funny. The part about being called to dinner was the bitch thing to say.
In other news, a lot of people have said that the ending is too quick. I am still having trouble seeing this. Someone please explain.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:16:03 (#)
Ranking: 0
Woah! Entry #1 ran out of juice faster than a virgin in a whore house. What happened? Mom call you for dinner?"
Wow. I just realized that people are correct when they say that loren is a huge bitch. That is exactly the thing that a huge bitch would say.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way, I'm not trying to be a jackass here. I just want some actual criticism since I rarely attempt serious writing.
I have disqualified myself because I didn't feel like logging out every time I wanted to reply. Post #2 was better than mine and I take my hat off to the author. She deserved to win.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by triliad (user info) at 2004-04-12 06:39:06 (#)
Ranking: 0
-1 for 1, +1 for 2. Both were about as interesting, but 1 shifted tense, which happens to be a pet peeve of mine, so...no vote for you."
I absolutely did not shift tense. If you can show me a part where I did shift tense then I will eat my words.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:56:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, my money is on Yidele having written post #2...
Regardless of the authors, post 2 was definitely better. It almost made me cry.
The nail gun to the head suicide made me laugh... I don't know if that was intentional... for some reason I had in my mind the little goblin from homestarrunner's halloween episodes."
I thought this was a very insulting remark toward my post. Don't get me wrong here, Razor is allowed to like or dislike whatever he wants. The thing is that he laughed at a point which was obviously not meant to be funny, meaning he didn't really give my post a chance in the first place, or I simply failed miserably at writing a convincing story.
I have to assume that he didn't give my story a chance since he was thinking about some homestarrunner thing. I understand that I was vague in describing the creature, but at one point I used the word "demonic" to describe it, and I doubt that word makes you think of homestarrunner.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:31:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK. I am getting pummelled here, so I will go ahead and reveal myself. Congratulations on your great post #2 who will remain anonymous until someone takes 5 seconds to figure out who you are.
I find the comments about my post interesting. Someone please tell me how exactly it runs out of steam at the end. I thought the ending was kind of cool. I was going to make it even more abrupt, but then I added on the last paragraph as somewhat of a minor wrap-up.
I was intending for the reader to finish the post and ask themselves, "Wow, that was interesting. I wonder if I understand everything correctly?"
This would cause the reader to think, which makes a good story in my opinion. When a story leaves questions unanswered it is often the author's intention to do so.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Woah! Entry #1 ran out of juice faster than a virgin in a whore house. What happened? Mom call you for dinner?
#2 was really touching.
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:10:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was good until the weak, thrown-together look of the ending. What the hell happened?
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
One was neat-o
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:42:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by wlmk06 (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SoapyD (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 was well written, but I still had to go with #1. #2 was too much of someone elses story re-written. Plus there was a movie about this same thing and the children singing....
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-04-12 12:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
both were good, but I voted for #2 because it was more unique, and probably harder to write, than most everything else in this competition ... but these posts are all very good!
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-04-12 12:04:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gee, wonder who wrote #2?
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I changed my mind on who wrote #2 after reading the commentary.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, my money is on Yidele having written post #2...
Regardless of the authors, post 2 was definitely better. It almost made me cry.
The nail gun to the head suicide made me laugh... I don't know if that was intentional... for some reason I had in my mind the little goblin from homestarrunner's halloween episodes.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:30:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:26:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I wish I had a forfeit to vote for
Submitted by post 1 rules at 2004-04-12 11:24:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 does not change tense, jackass. Did you even read it?
Congrats post 2. Looks like you will win.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 wasn't bad.
#2 was awesome.
I would have to guess that #2 is either Razor or Anastasie.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:54:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm glad to see UberMadness is continuing in its trend of happy joyful posts.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-12 08:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Chronic (user info) at 2004-04-12 08:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great posts; I had a hard time picking which one to vote for. I have to go with 2 though, because it was quite touching. I thought it would be just another sad story, but it was so much more. Entry 1 was good too, but a tad cliche.
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2004-04-12 07:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-04-12 07:04:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by triliad (user info) at 2004-04-12 06:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-1 for 1, +1 for 2. Both were about as interesting, but 1 shifted tense, which happens to be a pet peeve of mine, so...no vote for you.
Submitted by author of post 1 at 2004-04-12 03:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I feel that it is an honor to be up against you as well.
And I love you... Let's make babies.
Seriously though, I don't care who wins this round. If you win then I am sure you will continue to do well throughout the contest.
Submitted by Author of post 2 at 2004-04-12 03:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, Post 1 was really cool! I like being left with questions at the end.
This is going to be damned close, and I just want to say that no matter what happens, it's an honor to be up against you, Author of Post Number 1.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-12 03:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-12 03:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-04-12 02:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by first post author at 2004-04-12 02:08:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think you guys think the ending was overly abrupt because I wrote "THE END" at the end. I think that makes it seem more abrupt, as if there is meant to be closure. Well, that was probably a mistake on my part, since there isn't supposed to be a lot of closure at the end. You are supposed to be thinking about it when it is over.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-04-12 02:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
?
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:39:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
first was... odd/interesting. kept my attention at least.
the second was a boring history book.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm, I wonder who 2 was done by.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entry one was okay, but I didn't care for the abrupt ending.
Entry two was very good.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I got a good idea who wrote the second piece...the first while creative, left me wanting a bit more detail.
Submitted by author of post 1 at 2004-04-12 00:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The second post was very good. I think I am going to save my vote until later on when it might be needed more!
Submitted by author of post 1 at 2004-04-12 00:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Titinia,
I just looked up Calvin and his transmogrifier. That connection is funny, but I assure you it is mostly a coincidence. I was not aware of the transmogrifier when I wrote this, however I did choose the name Calvin because Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbes" had a fantasy friend whom he spoke to. I also chose the name "Calvin Williams" because there is an author and neurophysiologist named "William Calvin" who writes about the brain and mind.
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:19:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by author of post 1 at 2004-04-12 00:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The first post was meant to end abruptly.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These were both really excellent, but I felt like the first one ended suddenly and incompletely.
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-04-11 23:57:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 1 should win because Poles/Pollocks/the Polish suck ass.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-11 23:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number 2 was beautifully written and very touching, but number 1 was fucking crazy weird. I have to vote for number 1.
Both great posts.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-11 23:45:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-04-11 23:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2004-04-11 23:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
The first reminded me too much of Calvin and his trasmogrifier. The story was ok. So was number 2. A little cliched though. So, all in all, meh.