Police, Prostitution, and Interrupted Blowjobs: A Standard Friday Night (6892 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.68 on 57 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brat Prince of Uber (View user info) at 2004-04-12 00:31:51 EDT
You know, there are some things that are better left unsaid, some things that shouldn't be said, some things that nobody wants to hear, and some things that REALLY shouldn't be said because most of your extended family knows about you and ubersite.
I, operantly, was not born with the part of the brain that tells you of these social boundaries, so I'm going to tell you about my date this past Friday night. And BRAIN and COMPUTER are going to make an appearance again, so beware.
Friday started out as normal enough. Jenny came over, we watched a movie, and then we went to Wendy's. Wendy's is the only place I know that takes plastic in the drive-thru, and I love them for that. Wendy's, however, is still a fast food joint, therefore having the wittiest of teenage employees, and therefore fucking up my order. Oh well.
As we were driving back to my beloved domicile, I had an epiphany.
I am one boring fuck.
Work. School. Watch a movie with Jenny. Eat. Sleep. I don't like being a boring fuck, and Jenny doesn't like it either. She wants me to be more "spontaneous" and "dangerous." And on this day, I tried.
And this is when it got interesting.
JENNY: Um.....we just missed your turn into your neighborhood.
ME: Or DID we?
<sinister laugh>
JENNY: Where are we going?
ME: I don't know.
<smiles>
I drive past my neighborhood to the local elementary school, which I once attended once upon a time. I cross a busy road on which the main entrance to the school lies, and turn into an auxiliary parking lot. This parking lot usually only inhabited during soccer games and other school events, and it is the perfect place on a Friday night for a little seclusion and solicitude. Alarms should have gone off in my head at this time, but COMPUTER was busy playing Frogger.
Quiet, secluded places are perfect for secret meetings.
Secret meetings are perfect for drug trafficking and prostitution.
Perfect places for drug trafficking and prostitution are perfect places for regular Police patrols.
I knew this, but perhaps I wanted the danger.
So we park, and by "park," I mean in the Back to The Future 1950's sort of way. Except Jenny is not my mom. Although she sometimes reminds me......
**************************
COMPUTER: STOP
BRAIN: Good call.
**************************
So, we start kissing, touching, use your imagination. What can two lovers do with their clothes on in a car without leaving their seats?
**************************
COMPUTER: BWAHAHAHA
BRAIN: What?
COMPUTER: "Use your imagination." When is the last time you left ANY raunchy detail to the imagination in one of your posts? You aren't exactly one for subtely.
BRAIN:..........Point taken.
**************************
So after I pleased Jenny for a while, she started going down on me. My seat was reclined just enough to allow her plenty of head room (pun intended), but not enough so that I couldn't keep a constant vigil for incoming cars.
She was doing a wonderful job, and I was about to cum too soon, when it happened.
I don't know about you, but my state of mind is slightly altered when receiving oral. Time is warped, and my surroundings blur. Well....not so much as blur as I don't care what is going around me. Everything outside my bubble Simply. Doesn't. Matter.
So, when I see a car pull off the main road to this side road, I think nothing of it. When I notice that it has an unusual set of lights on its hood, and blue-on-white stripes, I think nothing of it. Only when it turned into the parking lot we were currently occupying, did I have the wherewith all to utter:
"Car."
Jenny disengages from me as quickly as a plane from a in-flight refueling when a fire starts. I, on the other hand, struggle to pull my pants up. For some reason, though, I couldn't bring myself to look out the window. I just had one thought:
BRAIN: UBERSITE material!
COMPUTER: You fucking dork.
Jenny: Oh shit
ME: Did he stop?
Jenny: Right next to us.
ME: Did he turn the lamp on?
Jenny: Yes.
ME: Is he coming out of the car?
Jenny: Yes.
ME: Wonderbar.
I finally turn my head to see a young male officer (rather attractive, too) walking towards our car, flashlight in hand. I open my window and peak my head out.
ME: Good evening, officer.
OFFICER: Hello. How are we doing tonight?
ME: Just trying to have a moment alone. <pulls my license out of my wallet>
OFFICER: Yeah, I can see that. <looks around> You could have picked a better spot! May I see some ID?
<I hand him my drivers license.>
I am very uncomfortable at this moment, because though I managed to pull my pants up and zip them, my boxers were still around my ankles. I might as well have been in shackles.
BRAIN: Please don't ask me to step out of the car. Please don't ask me to step out of the car.
OFFICER: And you, young lady?
JENNY: I don't have my ID on me.
OFFICER: Nothing?
JENNY: No.
COMPUTER: Great
BRAIN: What?
COMPUTER: You're real grungy in that damn shaggy beard and unkept hair, and she has no ID
BRAIN: You think he thinks that she is a prostitute?
COMPUTER: Or that you are committing some other sort of sex crime.
BRAIN: .......
OFFICER: May I have your name, young lady?
JENNY: Jennifer ________
OFFICER: Birthday?
JENNY: June 11, _____
The officer heads back to his car. Standard procedure, probably: Checking the car's registration with my name, checking me for outstanding warrants, etc.
JENNY: Oh God, I don't need this.
ME: What is he going to do? We haven't done anything wrong.
JENNY: Indecent exposure? Committing lude acts in public?
ME: Well he doesn't have any evidence. We're both clothed, and I don't think that "I caught the scent of chestnuts in her breath" will hold up in court.
JENNY: ......
The officer starts heading back to our car, my license in hand. I reach my hand out to receive it.
ME: I don't think I have any outstanding warrants
OFFICER: Doesn't seem so [and something indiscernible that sounded like, "yet".
OFFICER: Young lady, will you step out of the car for me please?
I watch Jenny step out of the car to talk to the officer a bit away from the car. I see him nodding his head, and her shaking hers. Finally, he walks back to his blue-and-white, and Jenny comes back inside.
JENNY: Whew.
ME: What did he say?
JENNY: He wanted to make sure that you weren't raping me.
ME: What, did he say, "He isn't making you do anything you don't want to do, is he?"
JENNY: Pretty much. I said, "Well, we've been doing it for three years"
<I laugh>
<she glares>
ME: What?
JENNY: You think this was funny?
ME: Would you expect anything less from me?
JENNY: No.
ME: I'm probably going to write a post about this.
JENNY: I know.
I turn the ignition, and start the drive home feeling good. I have two thoughts on my mind.
"Ubersite, he were come"
and
"You still owe me a blowjob"
I got my blowjob, I got my ubersite post, and I learned a new and interesting way to delay orgasm.
Friday was a goodnight. It could have been so much worse. This probably would have been a much better post if I had gotten out of the car and tripped from my boxers around my ankles, or if I had blown my load all over my sterring wheel right as Jenny disengages. Can you imagine that? Especially if it had been a female officer?
OFFICER: What is that on your steering wheel?
ME: Uh......hairgel?
OFFICER: You just have no self control, do you? I'm going to write you a ticket for premature ejaculation. You're lucky I don't arrest you, this is your 735th offense.
<Sigh> Someday I'll realize that this joke has worn thin. Maybe when that fucking post stops getting hits.
Oh well.
Hurray for Cops.
"Bad boys, bad boys....watcha gonna do......watcha gonna do when ya CUM TOOOO SOOOOOON!"
User Reviews
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-10-08 02:30:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic. Very classic.
First good post tonight.
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-10-08 01:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-09-13 10:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-09-12 22:00:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Uber. (user info) at 2004-08-14 14:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet post!
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-05-28 21:03:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"COMPUTER was busy playing Frogger..."
You earn +2 just for that alone...
Submitted by YouTalkinToMe (user info) at 2004-04-28 13:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-04-27 03:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CLASSIC.
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-04-27 03:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha!
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-22 15:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How'd I miss this?!?!?! +2
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-22 02:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-21 12:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It was Ok. I've been there as well.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-04-21 11:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
best post all day.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-04-21 11:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn you! After reading this, I fully understand why Jenny was pissed off at you... I have now set her on a path... very soon, yes very soon you will be seeing posts of revenge, the backlash of the pissed-off girlfriend!!!
was funny shit though
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-17 22:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-17 21:59:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im just amazed your dating a girl called Jennifer ________ . Jenny underscore Is a pretty un common name don't you think?
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2004-04-17 21:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was hilarious... It was also eerily familiar.
On another note:
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:21:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you pull up your pants with your boxers still around your ankles!?
------------
I was wondering the same thing...
Explain please?
Submitted by woplover (user info) at 2004-04-17 21:50:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hehehe.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-04-17 21:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
735 counts of premature ejaculation? I think her adding machine must have broken because I'm sure it is more than that.
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-04-15 19:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dazd1 (user info) at 2004-04-15 14:41:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yep Yep this is a typical weekend night for a lot of young couples.
Submitted by Mr-Boo (user info) at 2004-04-15 14:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment needed.
Submitted by sebcharrot (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, laughed my ass off.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-04-14 07:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
are you sure you don't live in China ?
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-14 05:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why does everyone have interesting funny lives but me?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-04-13 22:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:21:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you pull up your pants with your boxers still around your ankles!?
You don't unless you are spongebob.
Here's your +2 even though it only made me smile.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you pull up your pants with your boxers still around your ankles!?
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by legallady (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Made me laugh.
"Well he doesn't have any evidence. We're both clothed, and I don't think that
"I caught the scent of chestnuts in her breath" will hold up in court."
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<I'm going to write you a ticket for premature ejaculation. >
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:32:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You know, you are too much of an Ubersite addict when some shit like this happens to you and one of your best friends doesn't even hear the story until he reads it on Uber three days after it happens.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:25:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should send in clips of your life to 'Cops'.
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-12 08:06:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, Falco, I see that I have managed to regain some degree of approval from you. You, BigMike, and only a couple of others seem to want to make me work for that +2.
Haha no sweat man
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-04-12 07:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All good.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-12 07:07:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
What was so great about this?
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-12 04:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad that you had a little taste of the strawberry jam of danger in your bread and butter life.
I also like that you allowed Jenny to share the spotlight and have some of the funniest lines in the post. Sharing is caring, after all.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-04-12 04:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very entertaining. Your posts are so unique here. +2
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-04-12 03:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
MoneyG, I thought I mentioned towards the end that I told her I was going to write a post about it, but I could be wrong.
Besides, why should she been embarrassed? Like she said, we've been together for almost three years.
Ah, Falco, I see that I have managed to regain some degree of approval from you. You, BigMike, and only a couple of others seem to want to make me work for that +2.
Not that big, bad Jonukah needs approval from anyone.
No, really.
Honest.
Please be gentle with my fragile soul....
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-12 02:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty funny, Jonukah.
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-04-12 02:25:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:40:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:22:47 (#)
Ranking: 1
I know your not giving her last name or anything, but still, I think the girls I've gone out with might get pretty damn pissed.
*********************
Thats because 15 year olds donthave sense of humour! ahaha
Submitted by PurpleTurkey (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by distressedjester (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bob said it.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must read these [your posts] in a certain tone, because they always seem overly funny.
Submitted by MoneyG (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:22:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
In case your wondering, that joke is not old yet, it's definatly still funny. In fact this whole post was pretty damn funny. One thing though, does your girlfriend mind that you write about her giving you head on the internet, for the whole world to see. I know your not giving her last name or anything, but still, I think the girls I've gone out with might get pretty damn pissed.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 01:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love brain and computers...
Submitted by They_call_me_the_Fireman (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+2 for great story.
-1 for the "I finally turn my head to see a young male officer (rather attractive, too) walking towards our car, flashlight in hand. I open my window and peak my head out. " You are getting a BJ and you think the (male) officer is attractive??? What is the matter w/ you? on second thought, another -1 (Still good story though).
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:51:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha good story man
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:49:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
you fuckin hitwhore.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like a blowjob.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of ALL ass
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-04-12 00:39:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well written