More to Come (462 hits)
Category: UberMadness! Entryno reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by gascs (View user info) at 2004-04-12 09:11:42 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
"This just in: Godzilla is attacking the city. You might think he'd be bored by now. God knows I am."
The anchorman sighed. He *was* bored with this Japanese anchorman position. Nobody spoke English very well over here and everything tasted like shrimp, even the candy. What the hell kind of nation has shrimp-flavored candy? Besides, this was like the THIRD Godzilla attack THIS year. Sure, the Godzilla attacks were fun and exciting at first, but it gets old fast. Godzilla comes, stomps on some buildings, and then fights some weird monster. Win or lose, he soon retreats to his ocean lair. Yawn. Those two twins that live in a shell aren't even in this story.
He had to defer to the field correspondent next, which he did, barely disguising his boredom. He was rather surprised when Kiko only screamed, "Godzirra is coming!!! NOOOO!!!!" in his best strained English before being crushed under Godzilla's gigantic foot. Hmm... Perhaps this attack could be interesting after all.
"More to come at 6."
* * *
Mooshoo was busy preparing her family's favorite dish, chicken teriyaki. Her husband, Natsu, was watching the English news program.
*poorly translated from Japanese*
"OH NO!" shouted Natsu as he rushed to the window.
"What now wrong?" replied Mooshoo, by now used to her husband's frequent outbursts about not having enough shrimp candy or some new Hentai game.
"It is no happy time today! Godzirra are attack again!"
"This is unlucky day for sure!" yelled Mooshoo. She didn't understand this fascination with Godzilla. Toys, games, all of those expensive documentary films - she just couldn't understand why people followed the monster around with cameras while he leveled Tokyo time after time. She just wanted to get out of Tokyo. "We must flee the city!"
Natsu's mood lightened suddenly. A giant crustacean was closing in on the city. Its huge red legs crushed cars, puppies, and small shrimp candy stands as it moved, but nobody seemed to care. There was something different about this crab, though. "What this is? It is Magic David Spade Crab!" Sure enough, this enormous creature of the sea had David Spade's head.
Mooshoo exclaimed with joy, "We are gumdrops again today!" She loved that silly little man and his movies with that dead fat man. "Magic Crab is save everything!"
* * *
"RRRAAAAARRAWWARR!!" Godzilla shouted. He was pissed. Japan had cancelled the Japanese translated version of Full House again, and he just wasn't going to stand for it. His life just wasn't going to be the same without seeing some lesson that DJ Tanner learned every day. He was going to steal all the base. "All your base are belong to me!"
"REREAARWARRR!!!1!1111" he belched, along with a stream of fire that engulfed a nearby tower.
Just then, he heard something in the distance. "What?" Godzilla looked shocked as he saw a giant crab approaching. What was that on its head? It looked like Melanie Griffith! She was *just* crazy enough to turn into a crab and try to destroy Tokyo before he got the chance! Damn her! Damn her and her hunky Hispanic husband!
"Not so fast, Godzilla!" yelled the crab, with authority.
"Who are you?" This day was just becoming more and more odd.
"David Spade. You might remember me from Reality Bites."
Godzilla could've sworn that was Melanie Griffith. Now he was confused. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Oh, c'mon, like any of the other Godzilla characters do?"
"Hmm." There isn't much logical about a gigantic flying moth, Godzilla conceded. "Good point."
Magic David Spade Crab was just vacationing in Japan, hoping to find a sumo wrestler large enough to replace Chris Farley and rejuvenate his failing movie career. He wasn't about to allow Godzilla to ruin his vacation. He challenged, "You can't destroy the city! I will not allow you!" Besides, thought the Magic David Spade Crab, think of all the shrimp candy they'll reward me with!
"But I must crush things!!1!!one!1!!" Godzilla replied in his finest internet chat room speak. Now Godzilla had a special agenda. He hated that show Just Shoot Me. "We must fight!!!/!?!??!/1/!"
The Magic David Spade Crab and Godzilla charged at each other and leapt high into the air, fighting out of sight of the city below.
* * *
"It is bad idea for sure thing!" Natsu exclaimed. He wasn't so sure about the Magic David Spade Crab's aerial combat abilities. "Crab fight Godzirra in air!"
"What happen? Where crab?" Mooshoo was upset. She just wanted to get back to her teriyaki.
* * *
After a fierce midair battle, the Magic David Spade Crab fell victorious, on top of Godzilla, to downtown Tokyo.
* * *
"Washed up crab head save day!" cheered Natsu.
"I eat teriyaki tonight!" yelled Mooshoo.
"Why crab have Spade head? It make no sense!"
That's correct, Natsu. It make no sense.
fin
For everybody who is too lazy to read all of the text, below is the animated version of the above true story.
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