More to Come (1312 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.44 on 80 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-04-12 09:20:15 EDT
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Entry 1
"This just in: Godzilla is attacking the city. You might think he'd be bored by now. God knows I am."The anchorman sighed. He *was* bored with this Japanese anchorman position. Nobody spoke English very well over here and everything tasted like shrimp, even the candy. What the hell kind of nation has shrimp-flavored candy? Besides, this was like the THIRD Godzilla attack THIS year. Sure, the Godzilla attacks were fun and exciting at first, but it gets old fast. Godzilla comes, stomps on some buildings, and then fights some weird monster. Win or lose, he soon retreats to his ocean lair. Yawn. Those two twins that live in a shell aren't even in this story.
He had to defer to the field correspondent next, which he did, barely disguising his boredom. He was rather surprised when Kiko only screamed, "Godzirra is coming!!! NOOOO!!!!" in his best strained English before being crushed under Godzilla's gigantic foot. Hmm... Perhaps this attack could be interesting after all.
"More to come at 6."
* * *
Mooshoo was busy preparing her family's favorite dish, chicken teriyaki. Her husband, Natsu, was watching the English news program.
*poorly translated from Japanese*
"OH NO!" shouted Natsu as he rushed to the window.
"What now wrong?" replied Mooshoo, by now used to her husband's frequent outbursts about not having enough shrimp candy or some new Hentai game.
"It is no happy time today! Godzirra are attack again!"
"This is unlucky day for sure!" yelled Mooshoo. She didn't understand this fascination with Godzilla. Toys, games, all of those expensive documentary films - she just couldn't understand why people followed the monster around with cameras while he leveled Tokyo time after time. She just wanted to get out of Tokyo. "We must flee the city!"
Natsu's mood lightened suddenly. A giant crustacean was closing in on the city. Its huge red legs crushed cars, puppies, and small shrimp candy stands as it moved, but nobody seemed to care. There was something different about this crab, though. "What this is? It is Magic David Spade Crab!" Sure enough, this enormous creature of the sea had David Spade's head.
Mooshoo exclaimed with joy, "We are gumdrops again today!" She loved that silly little man and his movies with that dead fat man. "Magic Crab is save everything!"
* * *
"RRRAAAAARRAWWARR!!" Godzilla shouted. He was pissed. Japan had cancelled the Japanese translated version of Full House again, and he just wasn't going to stand for it. His life just wasn't going to be the same without seeing some lesson that DJ Tanner learned every day. He was going to steal all the base. "All your base are belong to me!"
"REREAARWARRR!!!1!1111" he belched, along with a stream of fire that engulfed a nearby tower.
Just then, he heard something in the distance. "What?" Godzilla looked shocked as he saw a giant crab approaching. What was that on its head? It looked like Melanie Griffith! She was *just* crazy enough to turn into a crab and try to destroy Tokyo before he got the chance! Damn her! Damn her and her hunky Hispanic husband!
"Not so fast, Godzilla!" yelled the crab, with authority.
"Who are you?" This day was just becoming more and more odd.
"David Spade. You might remember me from Reality Bites."
Godzilla could've sworn that was Melanie Griffith. Now he was confused. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Oh, c'mon, like any of the other Godzilla characters do?"
"Hmm." There isn't much logical about a gigantic flying moth, Godzilla conceded. "Good point."
Magic David Spade Crab was just vacationing in Japan, hoping to find a sumo wrestler large enough to replace Chris Farley and rejuvenate his failing movie career. He wasn't about to allow Godzilla to ruin his vacation. He challenged, "You can't destroy the city! I will not allow you!" Besides, thought the Magic David Spade Crab, think of all the shrimp candy they'll reward me with!
"But I must crush things!!1!!one!1!!" Godzilla replied in his finest internet chat room speak. Now Godzilla had a special agenda. He hated that show Just Shoot Me. "We must fight!!!/!?!??!/1/!"
The Magic David Spade Crab and Godzilla charged at each other and leapt high into the air, fighting out of sight of the city below.
* * *
"It is bad idea for sure thing!" Natsu exclaimed. He wasn't so sure about the Magic David Spade Crab's aerial combat abilities. "Crab fight Godzirra in air!"
"What happen? Where crab?" Mooshoo was upset. She just wanted to get back to her teriyaki.
* * *
After a fierce midair battle, the Magic David Spade Crab fell victorious, on top of Godzilla, to downtown Tokyo.
* * *
"Washed up crab head save day!" cheered Natsu.
"I eat teriyaki tonight!" yelled Mooshoo.
"Why crab have Spade head? It make no sense!"
That's correct, Natsu. It make no sense.
fin
For everybody who is too lazy to read all of the text, below is the animated version of the above true story.
- VS -
Entry 2
At church, they say that two thousand years ago, Jesus died on the cross for our sins. Three days later, He rose from the dead and ascended to heaven.What they always leave out is the answer to the question: "Why?"
Why did He let himself get captured? If He was just going to rise from the dead, why didn't He just hide from the Romans? Dump the robe and sandals, shave off the beard, put on a jacket and a pair of sunglasses, and go wander around the local marketplace until the heat dies down a bit. It's not that tough... I've seen it in at least two different Indiana Jones movies.
I mean, if I were the Son of God sent to earth to save mankind, I think that getting captured and killed would be last on My list of things to do. Martyrdom is cool and all, but if I were the savior - the next coming of, well, Me - My tasklist of things to do would look something like this:
1. Poverty and hunger - do something about that
2. Get Columbo back on the air
3. Legalize marijuana for medicinal use or for people who really want it
4. Smite fat people in spandex
5. Help advance research in hydrogen power and other alternatives to fossil fuels
:
:
99. Ensure accurate product labeling for cigarettes and fat free salad dressings
100. Get captured and killed
But here's the thing... I'm just a mere mortal. I don't have the arrogance and I certainly don't have the ability to judge someone like Jesus Christ. However, with the facts I've presented here, I can't see any explanation for Jesus's actions other than this:
He wanted to get captured.
This whole "He has risen" thing - Easter - was all part of the master plan. There He was, day one, teaching children, turning water into wine, plotting out the day that He would be captured. And you want to know how I know this? You want to know why he did it?
I'll tell you.
Cadbury Eggs.
Succulent morsels of heaven delicately presented to us in tiny foil wrapped eggs. In an indirect roundabout kind of way, it is Jesus Christ Himself who is responsible for giving us the gift of Cadbury Eggs. For, without Him, there would be no Easter, there would be no Easter Bunny, and there certainly wouldn't be the cute little rabbit that's in all the commercials balking like a chicken and laying the Cadbury Eggs.
I think we all need to pause for a moment and reflect upon the life of Jesus Christ and the incredible foresight that must have gone into the decision to sacrifice His life for ours.
==========
"Sir, can we move on now?"
"I guess... what's the big rush?"
"Well, a lot of people come here to the Hershey Foods factory each and every day. We're all glad that you enjoy Hershey's Cadbury Eggs, but it's early and we really should continue with the tour."
"Continue with the tour? You mean..."
"That's right, sir. There's a lot more to come."
Entry 1:
Acarnis
antluvdog
AshK
bargled
Bigmike
BleedTheSky
BLITZKREIG_BOB
catscradle
Chronic
Death_Metal_Dude
fell-8-me
fionavar
Fleet_Marshall_Badass
gascs
godking
griffsrgr8
hcp28
Herpes
iamhewhoisnot
intellismartness
JohnGalt
kimmy02721
lucid
Mr_Insanity
NerfHerder
Papajoe
Phinch
potatomanjack
quack
satchel
Scott_James
SeaBriscuit
shark25
spedmonkey
SpikeGoddess
T.chow
tammy
Titinita
transcendent
vildy
volklcess
whataefag
William_Q_Percy
Yes
Zod
38 eligible votes (45 total) *
Entry 2:
AlwaysAnEagle
Anjie
bart
beer-turtle
Deisangua
EatMeCompletely
Falconer
Heimdallsman
iddqd
Judoka
lizadoolittle
Loren1
Method
mystiamoon
nyagoc
ohlookasquirrel
polyamorousaj
Razor
SoapyD
speeddaimon
theWELLofZION
triliad
ugaly
WillZone
wlmk06
youarsoghey
YouLookLikeINeedADrink
21 eligible votes (27 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2004-04-14 07:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!
Good job, Bart.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-04-13 23:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Papajoe (user info) at 2004-04-13 23:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by tammy (user info) at 2004-04-13 22:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-04-13 20:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i think i know who the posters are...
Submitted by fionavar (user info) at 2004-04-13 20:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-13 20:04:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:06:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-13 17:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't fret, 1 - loren is just a pathological bitch with delusions of quality work, which leads to a megalomania problem, so she takes her inner self-esteem issues out on everybody else.
Oh, and you could bloody well learn how to spell hammer.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Writer #1 -
This kind of... whatever the hell it is... doesn't interest me enough to even keep my eyes open for.
Which gives me a brilliant idea - I just may print this out and save it for the next time I have insomnia.
It'll work as well as a sledge hammar across the side of my head, although... now that I think about it, the sledge hammar would probably be less painful.
Sue me if I don't like it. You can't please everyone.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:28:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahah, that animation was the *ish*
Submitted by theWELLofZION (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by SeaBriscuit (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by fell-8-me (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked the wackyness.
Submitted by vildy (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Writer#1 at 2004-04-13 14:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loren1 - Didn't I make it obvious that moronity and ridiculousness was the point?
For those who were wondering, the animation did take quite some time. I didn't have any better ideas for this title.
SpikeGoddess - thanks, even though I think my post sucks compared to some of my other stuff, I do think that the Magic David Spade Crab is one of the better utterly ludicrous things I've come up with.
Writer of #2 - I think this one is still up in the air. Good luck to you. Your post was good.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-13 13:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Both were weak in comparison to most of the other entries, but #1 reeked of moronic teenager from the first to the last ridiculous word.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-13 13:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good times.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-13 11:28:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:49:33 (#)
Ranking: 2
+ fucking 2
Is this the clash of the Iron Wills?
-------
Nope, but close call.
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-04-13 11:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
animation and self depreciation...cant go wrong with that
Submitted by Mr_Insanity (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"REREAARWARRR!!!1!1111"
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tough choice!
Good work posters
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Both are somewhat creative. That animation was too slow.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-04-13 08:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by triliad (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was tough. Comparing Jesus Christ to Indiana Jones by a hair over David Spade's head on a giant crab.
Submitted by nyagoc (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:22:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-04-12 21:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-04-12 20:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What in the blue fuck?
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:47:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still can't stop laughing at Entry 1. Well done.
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny Asian people.
Submitted by lizadoolittle (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't want to, but I had to.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:36:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't enjoy either one of these
Submitted by wlmk06 (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, both of these were pretty funny and #1 came out on top. The -2 is because neither one of these had much of anything to do with the title. Just simply putting the title into the story doesn't make it valid. I'm disappointed in you kids...and this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Submitted by transcendent (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:31:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. This would've been a tie, but the animation at the end of the first post clinched it for me. Hilarious.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cadbury eggs are disgusting.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:52:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by YouLookLikeINeedADrink (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:17:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I loved 'em both, but entry one had me in tears I was laughing quite hard.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AHAHHA, I just watched the gif, awesome
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:36:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hmmm
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:07:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
one had the campy potential but blew it... 2 was cute
-Turtle
Submitted by SoapyD (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by griffsrgr8 (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-04-12 12:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2004-04-12 12:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Damn it.
Submitted by Anjie (user info) at 2004-04-12 12:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-04-12 12:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just saw the animation for #2, that's hysterical.
Good job.
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2004-04-12 12:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-04-12 12:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Me thinks that there is a conspiracy afoot. Author 1 didn't even try. The movie was really cool though, better storyline next time.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+ fucking 2
Is this the clash of the Iron Wills?
This is an excellent matchup, but the David Spade Crab did it for me. When Godzilla thought the crab was Melanie Griffith, I just about died. And THEN to top it all off, there was the ANIMATION!
Post 2, all I can say is that in almost any other match in this round you would have won my vote. You just got matched up with the David Spade Crab, and there was nothing you could do.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OWNED.
Submitted by Chronic (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Neither one was too good. Entry 1 had some funny moments, but a lot of it was just dull. The animated .gif was amusing, and if the author made it, it must have been a lot of hard work. Entry 2 wasn't good; not funny and not amusing. My vote goes to 1.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:11:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:07:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally! Humor!
#1's animation clinched it for me.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fun Fact: In Japan, Godzilla is called "GoJira"
#2 gets my vote.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:21:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:16:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I rike Godzirra.
Badass.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha, that picture is gonna win it for you.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:07:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved one.
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another +2 just for writing about Godzilla.
Submitted by godking (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:44:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 For Talking Shit about Mothra.
-3 For Saying Godzirra.
+4 Because Godzilla kicks Jesus' ass.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:37:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man, I could go for A Reese's right now.
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
they were both good but...well...you saw the first one right?
Submitted by satchel (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:31:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
#2 was pretty funny, but I have a soft spot for Godzilla stories.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
#1 was just all over the place for me . #2 was sucking until the ending. Post #2 gets my vote for the ending. Neither really rocked my world
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I tip entry 1 as the best entry in Übermadness to date
great work
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll go with one just because it was so weird.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-12 09:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
TWO.