Perhaps even if I'm not jesus (664 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.36 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mr Prickle (View user info) at 2004-04-12 10:26:19 EDT
Jesus listened to his wife wheeling something down the floorboards he had recently sanded and polished in the corridor.
Is it the TV trolley? he wondered What the hell is she up to now? Trying to disturb him again in some way? Would she burst into his study at any moment and make some shrewish demand?
Or was is the portable clothes trolley she had been drying clothes on in their bedroom?
Jesus of course had given up on the idea that he was Jesus. It just wasn't plausable. Thinking you were Jesus was the typical thought of a typical nut. So Jesus, whose parents had named him Louis, had given up on the idea that he was Jesus.
Although occassionally he entertained the thought that he was actually was Jesus, and the precense of so many nuts that misguidedly thought they were Jesus was actually some kind of test of his faith. Perhaps they were't even real. It also occasionally occurred to Jesus that thinking you were Jesus, even if you were not, might not be a bad thing.
It was ten o'clock. Jesus would have to go to bed soon if he was to get up bright and early tomorrow to prepare for the terrible ordeal of sanding the lounge room floor. There were nails to be hammered in and holes to be filled with wood putty. And then he woiuld have to face the floor sanding machines.
The floor sanding machines filled Jesus with dread and misgiving. He doubted his capacity to handle them, and to produce a result that would not be sneered at.
In fact, Jesus's recent efforts at handyman work were much admitered by all and surndlyr.
For a while, it had even seemed that jesus's efforts at being jesuus were also admirered by all and sudnry. A very pretty girl who Jesus had comically and clumsilly pursued when she was waitressing in a restaurant saw Jesus some time after that incident when he was trying to organise a peace march at a university dormitory, and said to him "You are Jesus" to which Jesus replied "no I'm not" and pawed at his gentitals to demonstrate his point. The girl was so beautiful jesus was unable to be more charming.
Or perhaps my child might be jesus? thought jesus. Jesus's wife Grace was due to give birth soon, and it had recently sometimes crossed jesus's mind that perhaps his son would actually be jesus, and that he himself actually wan't jesus at all.
If I was really jesus, thought jesus, I wouldn't have to polish floorboards with those frightening machines.
Although maybe, thought Jesus, that is also part of some test.
If I was jesus, I wouldn't be pestered by the thought that I was a failed pretentious genius poseur, thought Jesus. I would't think how clever I was, and then be embarrassed by my more and more embarrassing attempts to be clerver. If I was jesus, I would be so busy loving everyone I wouldn't be frtetting about such things, surely. If I was jesus, I wouln'dt be such a hypocritcal pretender, thought jeses. nOisome thoughts of my own cleverness wouln'dt sully me.
Thinking you are a great writer or artist or thinker is of course another common delusion.
Mind you, Jesus did not think everything was bad.
Even if I'm not jesus, thought jesus, things aren't all bad.
There are good things.
Or so jesus thought.
Pleasurable treats, etc.
And once I have actually finished those floorboards, which it seems I am destined to do, thought jesus, I will feel a sense of accomplishment. If my back hasn't given out and my lovely golden jesus ringlest haven't fallen out of my head as a consequence of the stress.
Could jesus have maintained his celebrity if he had ended up a bald old man? Jesus wondered. Shakespeare did.
Perhaps I am shakespeare, jesus also often thought, since seeing a recent movie about the life of shakespeare.
Its interesting to think of all the great men - shakespeare, jesus, hitler, ghandi, motzart etc etc - all masturbating away in private moments.
This afternoon jesus had broken his world record sequence of catching two balls at once while diving into his swimming pool. This was despite considerable mental agitation, and the precence of the first frog he had ever seen in the swimming pool in the five years they had owned it. He had been faltering at first because the shit stinking satin boxer shorts (deocrated with pictures of pink piggies) that he wore were driven up the crack of his arse and irritated his sensitive haemoroids each time he plunged into the water. After removing the shorts he broke the world record stark naked, takiing six catches in a row, some of them quite brilliant.
His wife Grace had thrown the balls to him. Jesus crouched naked at one end of the pool, his fat belly sagging in front of him. Grace had a big belly too, but it was firm and full like a fruit, full of their baby. She could be shrewish, but she was a good egg.
When you see pregnant women ,thought jesus, you don't automatically conjur images of them having had a penis in their vaginas to make the baby. But that is how it usually happens.
I need a new theme thkoguht jesus. Some new tricks, a new act. Or perhaps a brand new cunt nuzzle.
Hey sara sara, thought jesus, I must avoid becoming obssessed with particular things. There are so many good things. Perhaps the sanding machines might even turn out to be good.
If I actually am jesus, thought jesus, then surely if I nuzzle soeones cunt then it will be a good thing. Perhaps even if I'm not jesus.
User Reviews
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-04-21 09:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
-- "i will never be able to match this kind of accomplishment. "
mighty apollo, if you are referring to the double tennis ball catching accomplishment, damn straight you won't. the world record is now 18 in a row and no man but shandy will ever get near that mark.
if you are referring to my writing accomplishment, your statement is of course piffle. don't sell yourself short, old horse. but thanks again for all your encouragement. it means a great deal to me.
-- yes, even though lara is a bit of a dubious little cunt, he is preferable to an ugly aussie like mattthew haydon.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-04-21 06:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i feel sick.
i will never be able to match this kind of accomplishment.
hats off to you pickle.
world record catches made me laugh.
in australia even drug abusing sloppy layabouts can have a pool it seems. in britain one has to work 50 hours to afford a bedsit.
but that is by the by.
this concept is awesome, i like particularly how you are that good that you don't even need to hide behind good spelling and grammar to be good, you tidy when you can be arsed and that is a good thing.
this is worthy of one of shandy's legendary +2's.
by the by 400 not out for Lara I am glad he got the world record back from that other cunt, i was supporting him against us, in fact all of england was.
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-04-13 19:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved it. Felt wonderfully surreal at parts. And I love the surreal.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:53:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this bit was vivid and touching:
His wife Grace had thrown the balls to him. Jesus crouched naked at one end of the pool, his fat belly sagging in front of him. Grace had a big belly too, but it was firm and full like a fruit, full of their baby. She could be shrewish, but she was a good egg.
but i'm afraid its all just more evidence of your messianic complex, prickle
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your style, Prickle.. It seems you start writing almost sober and then seem drunk as a skunk towards the end.
And what is it with all this Commentary on the cricket????? Sounds familiar, if you ask me!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:49:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Like others have said - it did start out really well. The second part, however, reads as though it were written by a different person. I think, with some editing, this could have been brilliant - I'm giving you the 0 because it WAS worth reading.
Submitted by MrPrickle (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HOOORAY!!
Lara equals the world record with a six, betters it next ball with a four!!!!
stick that up your hemmie-ridden arse Hayden, you poxy hypocrital cunt!!!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:25:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry...I don't get it.
It gets more incoherent as it goes on.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:12:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Started off great...got real sloppy at the end. solid +1
Submitted by MrPrickle (user info) at 2004-04-12 11:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i think you're very lucky to have such a nice friend, mystiamoon, especially as he has a huge saltwater aquariaum
i did not actually invent the name mr prickle, it was 'given' to me by my friend (who is clearly not as nice as yours) so rest assured i have no copyright claims to make.
ps - Lara only 23 runs behind the record now.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:57:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a side note Mr. Prickle i stole your name.
My best friend bought me a porcupine puffer fish for his massive salt water aquarium because i fell in love with it at the pet store. I named him Mr. Prickles. I hope you don't mind.
Do you want royalties?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked it
Submitted by MrPrickle (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thanks T. Chow!!
i had assumed this would be lambasted by everyone
i just found it on my c drive from years ago, and thought i may as well post it up as it gave me a laugh, and i am trying to stay awake in case brian lara reaches the world record for highest score in a test match (he is currently 341 not out)
but i guess you are right! it's actually not a bad premis for a story.
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2004-04-12 10:36:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hmmm...i'm not quite sure what to say. it started out really well, but then you stopped capitalizing Jesus (was that intentional?) and other grammatical/spelling errors started to appear. the entire thing kind of fell apart at the end it seemed. jesus changed too drastically from the start to the end. again i think that's intentional, but do it more gradually.
the theme was very clear and well thought-out. i think the story would be more successful if it were shortened; it seemed at times that you were just kind of spinning in circles around the message.
but don't get me wrong. this was a damn good post, a pleasure to read. just giving a couple of my thoughts on it, hopefully i don't sound too pompous.
thanks for posting it