She cried when I said it was over (1093 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: crap:fiction
Rating: 1.18 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Circe (View user info) at 2004-04-12 12:35:01 EDT
'Listen, okay? She never fucking cared. She used you, laughed at you, made you look like a fool. You were her fucking meal ticket. Don't beat yourself up over leaving the bitch, because she never... fucking.. cared.'
'She cried when I told her. She cried when I said it was over.'
The darkened house. Coming home and finding her there, sitting in the lounge, her lovely face lit, ghost-like, by the cold blue light of the tv. Cold. How appropriate.
'Fuck! I swear to god, you make me want to hit you. Hard. She screwed yer brother, fer chrissakes! Stop sitting there as though your dog died!'
'I'm pretty sure she realised what she'd done, by the end.'
That smile. That bitch-goddess, loving, fake smile. Those blue, blue eyes. The way she leapt up to greet me, with the stink of Eve on her skin, the scent of Betrayer, the reeking miasma of Faithlessness.
'You're better off without her. Let her find some other patsy to play her little games with. Look, we're in a place of drinking and debauchery, and that sweet little redhead is giving you the eye. Time to move on, bud.'
'Just.. god. The way she cried.. begged me.'
When she realised I wasn't going to let her up, that she was pinned, that she'd pushed me too far, she started to sob. Then she screamed. Then she promised me everything, the sun and moon and stars, if I'd just let her go, let her up, let her live her empty life of deceit and whorishness and ultimate misery.
'Well, yeah, she cried. The influx of cash has ended. I'd cry too, if I was used to having it easy, like her. Oh, fuck, the redhead has a sweetass friend...'
'She was sorry, you know. She really was.'
Her face changed when I hit her in the back of the head with a hammer. The force, I think, did something cataclysmic to her brain. Her pretty face, her traitorous, lying little face, was all.. distorted. The features were wrong.. crooked.. she didn't look as pretty, dead.
'Sorry, my ass. Look, get over it. I'm going to talk to the dynamite on legs over there. Grab your beer and come get lucky.'
'She cried when I told her it was over...'
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-20 06:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-12-10 13:03:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:53:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you mean, "minus the murder"?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:41:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Minus the murder... haven't we all been involved in something like that?
---
Heh.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-01-27 00:03:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats on winning UberBoobage!
Submitted by daggotht_AKA_caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-07-19 18:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How daggotht has rated other users
Caulaincourt (user info) 54 on 30 = 1.80
Loren1 (user info) -6 on 8 = -0.75
QueenAshlee (user info) -12 on 8 = -1.50
lawryde (user info) -36 on 18 = -2.00
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/moreinfo.cgi?uber=daggotht&cutoff=8
Could it be Caulaincourt's alias?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-04-13 06:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Okay... so, my dialogue sucks and I'm derivative...
Seriously, thank you for the suggestion, Spike... John, I've read four or five. What made you say that? Coyote - you're probably right.
Submitted by socialdropout (user info) at 2004-04-13 03:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My boyfriend - now ex - made me break up with him by starting an arguement making me look guilty. thats the third time they've done that to me....
didnt quite get much of it as i only skimmed through t roughly....
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-13 03:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Everyone else seems to dig the dialogue, so take this with a grain of salt. I've got to say that I feel like a bit of the dialogue sounds like it is you, the writer, speaking, not these men. I didn't hear their "voices" very strongly. Do you know what I mean?
Haha, JohnGalt!
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-04-13 03:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Love the way the dialogue with the clueless friend moves the story forward. The swing from subtlety to explicit violence is definitely attention-getting! It makes that paragraph the core of the story, but something felt a little jarring about it-- could be the extra repetition of the fact that the betrayer was dead, in the last sentence of the paragraph. Sorry to not have a specific suggestion.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
eeep....
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:53:21 (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you mean, "minus the murder"?
-------------------------
hahahahahahahahahahah....Perfect line. Perfect timing.
It was a good story too. I think you've been reading too many UberMadness posts.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe, i still cry!
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-04-12 22:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Opposable thumb - thanks for the input.
Reallybored - 'Nice guy'... hahaha...
Slowlyrotting - 'I could have given him good advice' - you worry me.
Submitted by opposable_thumb (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:20:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
More dialogue; You write it well.
Submitted by daggotht (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:05:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
zero
Submitted by whywhywhy (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:21:16 (#)
Ranking: 1
I use to work with a guy who killed his wife with a hammer.
He walked in on her with another guy. Got only a few years in prision.
Nice guy too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok the 'nice guy too' bit really made me laugh... But why didnt he just kill the guy instead?
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What do you mean, "minus the murder"?
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:41:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Minus the murder... haven't we all been involved in something like that?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by c-dog (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
twisted, but good
Submitted by digsy (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well she sure as hell won't do it again.
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
he should've called me first, i could have given him good advice so he wouldn't serve ANY time in jail
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I use to work with a guy who killed his wife with a hammer.
He walked in on her with another guy. Got only a few years in prision.
Nice guy too.
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-12 12:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like my ex, in all seriousness...
cheating whore made me feel like i was satan for leaving her, and kept calling me for like a year afterwards