Chicken Soup For The Asshole (2428 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.49 on 49 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <CatsCradle> (View user info) at 2004-04-12 12:59:56 EDT
I hear a lot of people complaining lately about WASTEFUL we, as Americans have become. This to me is inherently ironic because afterall, their complaining is a WASTE of oxygen.
But no one asked me. No one SOLICITED my opinion. They're getting it anyway.
To me, if you want to bitch about waste you have to start at the top and look at EVERY issue. All of them. Leave no stone unturned.
One issue to me that is consistently overlooked by the mainstream anti-mainstream culture is clothing. Case in point: left back pants pockets. When was the last time you used YOURS? Ralph Nader, that includeds you. Did you use it today? Yesterday? You did? No, you didn't. You put your wallet in your right back pocket, your keys in your front pocket and that's it. You didn't even know you had a left back pants pocket, did you? You did? No, you didn't. These pockets are a waste of time, money, and cheap Southeast Asian adolescent flesh that could be used for more practical purposes, such as stitching tennis shoes.
I have voiced this opinion before and I generally get two responses.
"What about left handed people?"
Fuck left handed people. They don't exist. They are mythical creatures much along the same line as the unicorn, Sasquatch, and Victory Parade Coordinator for the French Army.
The other response I usually get is, "I use it for my handkercheif."
The second response while potentially valid, brings up another issue altogether. I am always leary of people with handkercheifs because really, is there anyway of knowing when the last time their snot rag was washed? My dad used to carry a handkercheif. I think it was the color blue, but I could never be sure due to the layer of petrified snot encrusted to it.
Even worse than that though, is these people I see now blowing their noses in public. That's NOT A BAD THING. But what is the tendency to blow your nose, wipe your nose with a Kleenex (OR handkercheif), and then look at it? What are you expecting to see? A glob of snot? What else is going to come out of there?
Wait, wait, is that a piece of brain tissue? Nope, nevermind, snot again. DAMN IT
People are disgusting. People are disgusting, lazy, stupid, and SLOW. My god people are slow. Everywhere I go, I have to wait. And the worst part is, you always get stuck in line because someone has unnecessarily complicated a mind numbingly easy operation. That, or you're trying to get your license renewed, address changed, or anything that involves dealing with a government agency.
For example, I was at Blockbuster the other day. There were two registers. Ergo, two lines. I get in the shorter line. I wait. I wait some more. Had I applied myself, I might have figured out the meaning of life during my interminable wait. Seriously, people would walk into the store while I was already in line, then be right next to me in the next line over engaging me in gloating winners dialogue:
Hey man, I didn't get the last copy of Seabiscuit but at least I'll be home before midnight to watch Gigli! Heh heh heh!
Man that guy pissed me off. I was on the verge of beating him upside the head with a shovel when I realized two things:
1.I don't have a shovel.
2.The guy holding up the line in front of me is an even greater menace to society.
What did he do? This genius decided to go rent a movie armed with only a 100 dollar bill for monetary compensation. Folks, let's make one thing clear right now, 100 dollar bills should be used sparingly as a novelty, such as in rap music videos and ransom payments NOT for Friday nights at the video store, ESPECIALLY when there's only a few dollars in the register and the change from your purchase will CLEARLY be more than a few dollars.
But this doesn't occur to people.
And this guy with the hundred dollar bill, he wouldn't budge. He wouldn't move an inch. Oh no, he was ENTITLED. I confronted him thusly,
"Hey asshole, haven't you ever head of a miraculous invention called the twenty dollar bill?"
"I have." he replied.
"Well?"
"I don't like twenties."
"Well, why not?"
"Because I don't care for Andrew Jackson. He was a poor president in my opinion."
"Poor president? What the fuck? It's a unit of currency! Who cares?"
"I do."
"So now we all have to suffer?"
"That's right buddy. I won't compromise my political integrity for your convenience."
"But Benjamin Franklin wasn't even a President."
"Doesn't matter, he was a great inventor."
"So was the guy who invented the 20 dollar bill."
But HE didn't care. The Blockbuster District Manager had arrived with change for his hundred.
People are irritating. And not just in a rub the wrong way sort, but more like having a piece of sandpaper wedged between your ass and it chafing everytime you walk and BY THE WAY you're in a charity walkathon, it's 95 degrees, and that sandpaper grits and grinds it's way ever deeper till by the time you're done it's wedged so far up your anus (your ass, not the planet) you have to eat a whole box of Frosted Mini Wheats (TM) just to shit it out sort of way.
And by the way, did I mention it's a WALKATHON? That's right asshole, a walkathon, not a runathon, jogathon, or skipathon, you must walk at an even pace for the WHOLE 5K, anything more WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. What's that, you there, are you running? Shorten those strides! TWEET (blows whistle) You MUST walk, people in wheelchairs are NOT ALLOWED.
Sounds bad doesn't it? The worst part is that it's all true. Believe it or not, there are such people as Walkathon Nazis (Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon?!). Sometimes I meet a person and I just know they would have made an excellent ramrod straight 'just following orders' Nazi.
For example, Soccer moms are a particularly aggressive breed of modern day Nazi. Can you imagine what the Third Reich could have accomplished with a legion of soccer moms on meth? All Hitler would have had to do is point to England, say that they had just wrongfully slapped the soccermom's brat with an unneccesary foul and the Battle of Britain would be over.
But soccer moms are just the tip of the iceberg. Being anal isn't just for gays anymore, people everywhere today are FUCKING anal. Except of course for Texas, where it is illegal.
You can barely even walk around town anymore without someone having a say in the matter. I was walking down the sidewalk the other day when I found my path blocked by some random guy who probably had no business blocking anyone's path. Yet block he did.
"Hey buddy, you can't go this way. We're doin' some construction on this walkway pretty soon." he said.
"You're not doing it now?"
"Nope."
"So why can't I go?"
"Sidewalk's closed buddy."
I was about to beat him with a shovel but he pointed to the other side of the road and broke into an A Capella version of 'Walk This Way' by Aerosmith. I left the matter alone.
Walkathon nazis, Soccermoms, Sidewalk Nazis, it never ends. My girlfriend is a remote control Nazi. When the TV is on, SHE is in charge. We watch what SHE wants, EVEN IF Mystery Science Theater is on.
Nazis are everywhere. Health Nazis. Diet Nazis. Weight Nazis. Fuck! The only reason I have a scale in my bathroom at all is to weigh myself before and after shits, purely for scientific purposes.
That's the ONE area where I tend to be a Nazi. My shits. I, Catscradle, am a shit Nazi.
I went into the bathroom the other day prepared to expell some shit. Taking a good shit is like Chicken Soup For The Asshole. Except, not hot because that would burn.
But what I got was not Chicken Soup. In fact, it didn't resemble chicken soup at all. What I got (or what I gave) looked more like a pot roast with a few solid pieces of corn scattered at random.
The thing is, I didn't even eat pot roast. I ate donuts. Cream filled. The kind that explode in your mouth like a... like a.. like a cream filled donut you sick fuck!
Everything has a sexual connotation now. Everything. Even me writing this post. A Psychoanalyst once told me that my constant desire to beat morons with a shovel is indicative of my overwhelming homoerotic tendencies and an Oedipal complex. He said this while eating a cream filled donut, so I'm not sure what to make of his analysis.
That being said, since you all have short attention spans and an appetite for cream filled donuts, go to google.com, type in "miserable failure", click on "I'm Feeling Lucky", and be entertained.
User Reviews
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-10-08 17:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People are irritating. And not just in a rub the wrong way sort, but more like having a piece of sandpaper wedged between your ass and it chafing everytime you walk and BY THE WAY you're in a charity walkathon, it's 95 degrees, and that sandpaper grits and grinds it's way ever deeper till by the time you're done it's wedged so far up your anus (your ass, not the planet) you have to eat a whole box of Frosted Mini Wheats (TM) just to shit it out sort of way.
gold
Submitted by punchdrunk (user info) at 2004-08-19 07:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis (user info) at 2004-05-08 14:33:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ace.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-05-08 14:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Walkathon Nazis (Who? Who does not want to wear the ribbon?!)."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAH
Submitted by Kichigai (user info) at 2004-04-29 06:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-25 19:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"So was the guy who invented the 20 dollar bill."
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I laughed so hard I defecated myself.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-04-23 13:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yet more gold from the #1 writer on this site, competion or not.
Submitted by yidele (user info) at 2004-04-20 15:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-04-18 16:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant
Submitted by Jang246 (user info) at 2004-04-18 01:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loved the last reference to the google link. that was funny!
Submitted by someone (user info) at 2004-04-17 18:37:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-04-13 01:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is only "tedious and a struggle to get through" if you are a dueche bag, dueche bag.
"The only reason I have a scale in my bathroom at all is to weigh myself before and after shits, purely for scientific purposes."
I sympathize.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-04-13 01:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Comedy gold.
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
tedious, a struggle to get through
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*laughs*
Submitted by soakedinale (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-04-12 18:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These meandering rants are awesome. Catscradle is a ranting legend, about ten times cooler even than Maddox.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:44:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh...
A fair rant, but kind of all over the place.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Upon a second reading, this bit made me laugh out loud.
"That's right buddy. I won't compromise my political integrity for your convenience."
"But Benjamin Franklin wasn't even a President."
"Doesn't matter, he was a great inventor."
"So was the guy who invented the 20 dollar bill."
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:32:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have been laughing at that title for ohhhh about 45 minutes now.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-12 17:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a four if i've ever seen one...until i see you rated yourself a 2 for the first rating. dont be that guy
Submitted by Kilgore (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude, there's a lot of decaffeinated brands on the market that are just as tasty as the real thing. Also, I use my back left pocket all the time.
Submitted by Casey_Jones (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:32:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a sympathy plus 2 for not being able to watch Mystery Science Theater. Dump that bitch if she doesn't let you watch that show... It's sheer brilliance.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
From an aspirant member of La Grande Armee : +2
Bitch
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:17:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Being anal isn't just for gays anymore, people everywhere today are FUCKING anal."
What's up with this proliferation of sodomy anyway?
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-12 16:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God damn. Another classic work of comedic brilliance by catscradle.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pure gold!
Submitted by Hader (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I absolutely HATE it when dumbasses hand over a $100 for a $15 transaction. I work at a food delivery restaurant, and this one dude handed me a Benjamin when his total was about $8, and I said, "Are you going to need change?" Hah. I had to go back to the store, get change, and drive all the way back to his house, and he only gave me a $1 tip.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I did NOT order chicken soup!
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:11:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man Cat, where was this for UberMadness? This was so good...
Submitted by Bargled <not logged in :(> at 2004-04-12 15:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was deeply offended, as a lefty, by your article.
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nazis are everywhere. Health Nazis. Diet Nazis. Weight Nazis. Fuck! The only reason I have a scale in my bathroom at all is to weigh myself before and after shits, purely for scientific purposes.
======================================================
i thought i was the only one who did that.
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously, next time you say hooray for me, I am hauling ass to wherever it is you are and pinching your cheeks.
It's so damn adorable.
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:37:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed a little bit,
then cringed at the shit commentary.
Also, I use my back left hand pocket for my wallet and checkbook, and I am NOT lefthanded.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are insane. You need to get laid more or something.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad. This "Being anal isn't just for gays anymore" and the part about weighing yourself before and after taking a dump gave me a chuckle.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:24:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A wonderfully disjointed rant. Anything incorporating 'Shit Nazis' and soccer moms commands respect.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Coffeeisgood (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:17:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(hanging head in shame) I used my left back pocket this weekend, and I'm right-handed. Please don't damn me to the ignorant masses!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You kick much ass.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff, although i must admit i kind of liked this guy:
"That's right buddy. I won't compromise my political integrity for your convenience"
Submitted by YouLookLikeINeedADrink (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:13:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I did the "I'm feeling lucky" google search of "miserable failure." I laughed out loud for about a minute straight. +2 just for that.
The post was pretty funny too.
Submitted by schwenckie <sschwenck.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-04-12 13:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The whole soccer mom thing was worth the read. The only thing more annoying is old women with shopping carts that, dammit, have to get the loaf of bread no matter who they run over to do it.
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-04-12 13:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.