Bob Ross is Painting Happy Little Demons in Hell (2143 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.76 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SausageKing (View user info) at 2004-04-12 14:05:53 EDT
For those who don't know who Bob Ross or maybe cannot recall him, he was the goofy landscape painter with the afro who gave painting tutorials on his own PBS show "The Joy of Painting". Bob would go step by step through creating technically competent and pretty, but ultimately bland landscapes. He was not really famous for his art so much though as his oddly endearing method of painting. His mellow, almost hypnotic voice and the bizarre anthropomorphize all of the objects on his painting ensured that it was all but impossible to flip away from the channel when you stumbled across "The Joy of Painting". His voice and his afro sucked the viewers attention in like a black hole, even if like me you have no interest in painting.
Sadly, Bob Ross died a few years back. I was quite saddened by the news of his death, and I surprised myself at how much this affected me. He was just such a strange and charming guy, it makes the world that much less of a place to not have him in it.
Unfortunately, Bob Ross now is burning in Hell for painting graven images. He is receiving his final justice from God as we speak.
The good news is that he is still painting down there in the land of eternal torment, soothing the damned souls of Hell with his soft, entrancing voice. The subject matter for his paintings is a little different now though, as shown by this exclusive transcript of his latest episode:
TRANSCRIPT: The Joy of Painting, in Hell ---- Episode 666
BOB ROSS:
"First of all we need a little red in our world here. Oh yes. Isn't that just a lovely little red? It looks just like that lake of blood in where the blasphemers are being boiled."
"And lets mix a little black in there. A soft, comfy shade of black. That is so wonderful. So much like Satan's cloven hooves. The Dark Lord will be happy."
"Don't be afraid to make a mistake now. This is your universe. There are only happy happy accidents here. If you want sad things go to level seven where the skin of adulterers id being flayed off. That is sad. It is only happy here."
"Now who is this little fellow? Oh look, it is a lovely demon coming out to play. Such a happy lovely little demon. See him there, poking his mischievous little head out of that cracked ribcage of the sinner? Do you see the demon merrily tearing out the intestines from the fornicators? Look how he makes the skin into a suit! Make sure you use a bit of pink in there to get the shade of the filleted flesh just right...There! Just easy strokes there, don't stab the canvas."
"And who are these joyful little people. Oh look, it's the suicides who are piled in a mountain of human bodies. See this one writhing around in agony, trapped at the bottom? This is where all the excrement flows down to. Isn't he happy, the happy little suicide, being crushed into excrement? Use a little of this brown and a bit of this darker green to get the lake of excrement just right. Oh that just so nice."
"Now get out a bit of auburn orange. And maybe a little of this scarlet red. That's it. Just mix it a bit there. Now. When you think about Hell what is the first thing that always comes to mind? Come on, you know this one. Flames, of course!"
"Lets make some happy little flames. There...there...and there! Just let the brush slide over the canvas. Look at those lovely friendly flames dancing about. So warm and comfy. Just like home. But the flames are lonely. You know what the need? Some friends. There. Lets put some friends in those flames there. Lets put in some happy, happy tormented souls. Look how their skin is melting off. Isn't that wonderful? Now the flames won't be lonely ever again. Don't worry though, the skin of the damned will grow back only to be burned off again in a never ending cycle of torment and agony. See how happy they all are? Now don't go too heavy with the black on their charred bodies or you won't see the happy sinners in the flames."
WARNING: This transcript is copyrighted and cannot be reproduced in distributed in any way without express written consent of the author. Copyright infringers will have their intestines pulled out of them by ravens in the fifth level of Hell after they die.
User Reviews
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is still the shit.
Where the fuck are you Sausage King?
Submitted by craptastic (user info) at 2004-05-25 21:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
His hair was his greatest masterpiece
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-04-13 09:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by soakedinale (user info) at 2004-04-12 22:31:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. "Titanium White" would have been a nice touch though I agree. What in Hell is Titanium White?
Titanium White is a FUCKING MAN'S MAN color.
Submitted by Goldeneyes (user info) at 2004-04-13 09:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had forgotten about this guy...he was awesome.
RIPIH
("Rest In Peace In Hell" for you fuckers who couldn't figure that out.)
Submitted by soakedinale (user info) at 2004-04-12 22:31:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. "Titanium White" would have been a nice touch though I agree. What in Hell is Titanium White?
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-12 22:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay for Bob Ross.
Submitted by govenator (user info) at 2004-04-12 21:27:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just can't help but laugh at that picture.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brillinat!
I love Bob Ross.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-12 19:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2004-04-12 15:13:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember how he would paint a tree and tree trunk using just that little knife thing? I agree though, listening to him IS like being stoned. Just plain, harmless fun.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I want to have sex with Bob Ross. I think I was the only one that watched him paint on PBS.
"And this'll just be our little secret right here." What a genius.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:47:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the definition of a +2... only a lot longer and drawn out than the actual one.
RB's comment fuckin hit the nail on the head tho.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVED that guy i would sit glued to the t.v. watching him. The other kids watched Voltron and
He-Man. I watched the funny art guy and PBS documentaries
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:31:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This and going to strip clubs on Easter all in the same day.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Ross rules. Uh, I mean ruled.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Would have got a +2 if somehow you would have mentioned "Titanium White".
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Shit
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is absolute, TOP DRAWER comedy. I loved it.
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:11:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha! bravo
Submitted by slowlyrotting (user info) at 2004-04-12 14:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG!!!LOL!!! I want to have sex wif hims!!!!
i used to like watching him because his voice would get into my head and it was like being stoned... i'd usually fall asleep and then wake up with the munchies