Canada's 350000 Seal Asskick Fest (1617 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Anthony Locascio (View user info) at 2004-04-12 23:07:22 EDT
It looks like some of our Canadian friends have decided that they don't like the United States calling them a bunch of wusses all the time. Apparently, pointing out their paper mache tank and helicopter isn't giving the world the impression a military superpower should, so the Canadians have put their heads together and come up with a brilliant plan to show the entire world how tough they are: kicking ass on 350000 seals.
The minute I read it, I knew it was a fantastic idea. Seals are basically the organic equivalent of a beach ball - fun to smack around, but not much else. They bark and they deplete the ocean of delicious fish. Isn't that enough reason to kill them? It's hardly like man has been the first species to think of this concept. Polar bears, quite possibly the most badass of any animal, enjoy murdering seals and then will bat the corpses around for hours before gorging on one tenth of the carcass and then murdering another, just for giggles. Killer whales enjoy balancing a seal on their noses for a few seconds before gulping one down. What, you thought the dumbasses at Sea World taught them that? If mother nature condones it, who am I to argue?
But I have to give a real extra hand to the Canadians for setting the bar so high. Not only are they going to kill 350,000 seals, they plan to do it in 36 hours. That means in one minute, 162 seals will have their skulls bashed in with makeshift wooden rods, tree branches, steel pinchbars, manhole covers, prosthetic limbs, and sacks filled with doorknobs. That's beautiful! Who knew they had it in them? But I really think the creativity factor just isn't there. Some things I'd like to see the Canadians try:
a)Wrestling a seal to death. Instead of clubbing it, grab it and put it into a spinning pile driver like Zangief from Street Fighter II. Or suplex it onto an icicle stalagmite. This could be WWE primetime stuff (plus, Trish Stratus in the cold! Mmmmmm nipplies!)
b)Seal Hockey - you know those things slide around on the ice as easily as anything. Why not get a few games in? You're going to beat the thing down with a wooden stick anyway, who says we can't have some fun? Plus you can get a few playoff games out of the way.
c)Seal drive bys - this could be a new Canadian gameshow. You get one chance to drive by a flock of seals on a snow-mobile with a mac 10. The guy who caps the most seals in one clip wins a lifetime supply of Canadian bacon.
d)Tyson Seal-Speedbag exhibition - I know Tyson would jump at this chance. Put him in the ring with forty or fifty seals. See how long it takes to beat them to death. Biting is allowed, just this once, to make things more interesting.
My only disappointment in this entire thing is that the Canadians seem to be hogging all the action to themselves. What does a good ol' red blooded American boy have to do to get in on this action?
User Reviews
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-04-15 05:27:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"That means in one minute, 162 seals will have their skulls bashed in with makeshift wooden rods, tree branches, steel pinchbars, manhole covers, prosthetic limbs, and sacks filled with doorknobs."
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auto +2 beating something senseless with prosthetic limbs.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-04-15 04:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
162 seals will have their skulls bashed in with makeshift wooden rods, tree branches, steel pinchbars, manhole covers, prosthetic limbs, and sacks filled with doorknobs.
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That was wonderful ...and i'm canadian !I want in !
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-04-15 04:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meh - seal killing? Way over-hyped. I'll give you a two for drawing my attention to it for more than 0.3 milliseconds.
It's kind alike the world's obsession with Paris Hilton.....she's as - if not more - useless then these breathing beachballs.
At least we can eat them.....
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2005-03-26 21:47:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Still, I'm sure you are in support of this sort of thing.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2005-03-23 00:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:56:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
DeathJester: Come on, guy! Do I have to put with every post: "THis is just a joke. I wouldn't really hurt a seal/kitten/child/crippled midget?" I had a kitten that died and I bawled my freaking eyes out, you think I could hurt a seal with a club?
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-9999999999999999 for the post
+... oh, maths... +1000000000000001 for the review
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-01 18:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-30 12:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my last real rating on my favorite post
Submitted by camor (user info) at 2004-07-29 19:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, Canadians kill seals, Americans kill Iraqis, all in all I think it's about fair.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-13 23:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok, I admit it...it's like the 15th times I come back here.
Same result: hahahahhahaha
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-13 12:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-04-13 11:59:53 (#)
Ranking: 1
A seal walks into a club.
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As hard as i tried to stop myself i laughed at that. Much harder than I should have I'm sure.
Oh and have a +2 for crying when you kitten died, maybe you aren't so bad after all, for a republican that is.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2004-04-13 11:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A seal walks into a club.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DeathJester: Come on, guy! Do I have to put with every post: "THis is just a joke. I wouldn't really hurt a seal/kitten/child/crippled midget?" I had a kitten that died and I bawled my freaking eyes out, you think I could hurt a seal with a club?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stupid hosers.
hehehehe
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...seal skulls bashed in with sacks filled with doorknobs..."
God damn it, that's fucking hilarious!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-13 09:10:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess you should have put this in the comedy section for humorless simpletons.
Submitted by ahdragos (user info) at 2004-04-13 06:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-6 for the shit you wrote, but +10 for the pic, awesome pic, too bad it only goes up to +2....
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-04-13 06:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate Canada for this.
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-04-13 06:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yes, lets beat the shit out of small animals.
If this article isn't supposed to be insulting to canadians, I am. I hate fucking canadians as of right now.
You sicken me.
Except my lesbian friend in Thunder Bay... She's ok.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-13 02:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Jocko_Johnson (user info) at 2004-04-13 00:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
If you asked me, those damn seals asked for it...always flipping around in their cute looking seal skin. Fucking assholes.
Give em the club of love!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Lucifer_Industries (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Tell us, how do you get around daily under the crushing weight of your assholism?
Malone
Lucifer Industries LLC
http://www.luciferindustries.com
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How come Caulain gets it and you don't, K.M? This wasn't a post ripping Canada.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
For the first paragraph, of course. Seals can die for all I care.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:28:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't stop laughing like an ass at this...that means anoter +2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-12 23:26:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bahahahahha