Random Proverb - An Ubermadness parody (1237 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.11 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Falconer <revenge_of_the_killer_dustbin.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-13 09:41:41 EDT
Bill Randomproverb, was a quiet, kind man. In his spare time he enjoyed saving babies from burning buildings, helping cats cross the road and playing croquet. He had scraped through college with 30 degrees and a doctorate in Brain surgery, and he made a humble salary of seven billion pounds a year, sewing up old ladies heads, and replacing broken cerebral cortexes. Or was it cortexi?
Every day he made the journey from his surgery to his home, sampling the succulent spanish air, and occasionaly stopping by the Stock exchange to save the Spanish economy from certain doom. But tonight he did not, for he was terribly worried about his new wife. He loved her, of course, like a retarded kid might love a brightly coloured ball, but he felt that she did not quite love him back. This made him sad, and he cried until his eyes hurt. Oh, if only there was a random proverb that was applicable to this situation, he mused sadly.
His other wives had been loving and kind. The first one, Nicey McNicenice, had baked marvellous cookies, and had bore him a beautiful young child. He had lost her in that unfortunate acid-drinking incident in 1987. His second wife Gorgeous McKindandloving, had also been kind, and loving, but unfortunately she had got far too attached to the underside of a truck, in 1995.
Finally he had gotten the urge to marry again, when he saw the woman of his dreams, injecting heroin into puppies while similtaneously burning the local orphanage down. With all of his effort and money, he had changed her ways, but now he felt the love was dwindling.
He drove his environmentally friendly electric sports car, which he had made himself one summers morning, into his modest villa in the north of Spain, and met his wife, Satina McBlackheart at the door.
'Hello honey', she said coldly, 'I've taken the liberty of murdering the kids while you were gone'
'Oh no!' cried Bill, 'How could you be so evil?'
'It's my stereotype, hun' she replied, even colder-ly, 'Now I'm going to divorce you and take all your money.'
'Oh dear.' moaned Bill.
'But first let us have some emotionless sex' she laughted, chloroforming Bill and dragging his limp body up the stairs.
Later, after the emotionless sex, they both lay in bed. Satina was asleep. The children were dead. Bill was going really really helluva crazy.
'Ahahahahahahahaha' he laughed, as he poured gasoline over everything.
'Bill, wait what are you doing!' cried Satina, trying desperately to get out of bed and escape.
'Alas, evil woman! You cannot escape, for I have sawn your legs of while you were sleeping!'
Satina shrieked in mind-bending horror as Bill coated her in gasoline. He was about to get his ultimate and really tearfully poignant revenge on his wife. He lit the match and dropped it, and the last words he said, before he set the house ablaze, were;
'Random proverb, indeed'
User Reviews
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-11-20 19:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Grow up.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-11-01 13:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by billybob2000 (user info) at 2004-05-09 17:40:20 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by billybob2000 (user info) at 2004-05-09 17:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by hamilton (user info) at 2004-04-18 14:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES! MY FIRST PARODY!
Crackle was my story bitch!
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is awesome.
<--SAD
Submitted by Adman (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, made me laugh.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You follow the formula well, young one
Submitted by vildy (user info) at 2004-04-13 11:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by T.chow (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
someone had to say it
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:17:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah man, awesome
Submitted by oxanar (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
So?
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:09:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I chuckled.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you made fun of my story in there somewhere. :-)
This post is quite the kicker of all asses though, so +2 for you. This line made Mt. Dew come out my nose: "like a retarded kid might love a brightly coloured ball"
Submitted by SeaBriscuit (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Decent.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-04-13 10:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh...good one.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-13 09:58:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, this made me laugh quite a lot....
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-13 09:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2004-04-13 09:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hear hear
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-04-13 09:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment