Leg-Break Anger (864 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.43 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paula W <smile_paula.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-13 13:36:06 EDT
I broke my leg falling down the stairs in a convent...no lie. After enduring hours of emergency room torture (including a foriegn doctor with rank-ass body odor and portly nurses whose dinner rolls permanently adhered to their mid-section and near ocean-sizes boobs that pressed against me while they worked), I imagined the next two months to be an entirely bigger feiry pit of hell than what I just went through...I was right. Of course, my family and boyfriend, Paul, were overly patronizing...my mother wanted to bathe me...Paul wanted to carry me..and I wanted to kick everyone's asses. I suppose one of the most demeaning approaches people took to my newly developed disability was to inquire how it happened...99.8% of the time if went like this:
"Oh! Paula, I heard you broke your leg?"--This statement was asked like a question with the voice growing higher on "leg".
"No, I just really get a sensational pleasure from wearing a heavy, ugly ass, purple cast on my leg and walking around on crutches."--This statement was my inner reply...the one I would have preferred to say. However, I usually just nodded my head slowly and plastered a fake smile and asserted, "Yes, I DID break it." Sometimes, though rarely, the conversation ended here, but being a gimp, I couldn't crutch away from these people fast enough, and the conversation continued:
"You were drunk."--Now, this is the part that pissed me off. First, they ask if my leg is broken when it obviously is, and second, they assume assuredly...without a doubt in mind...that I was drunk when it happened...the assumed truth. Oh yeah. And this assumption didn't come from just friends but elderly poeple from our church, family friends, the munchie man down the road, and the dog next door. I guess it could be said that, at least, I now know that I am internationally considered a drunk. Of course, I tried to redeem myself by explaining, "No, I was visiting my mother at the convent." I am sure it is obvious why no one believed me. No, my mom is not a nun, kike, she just works for them.
These circumstances left me bitter after a few days of this same conversation with the masses. However, my animosity towards people grew magnanimously when I had to go my university for semester exams. As I slowly and painfully crutched my ass across campus to class, people would walk by, make direct eye contact, and give me the unmistakeable pity stare. Apparently my "what the hell are looking at" gaze didn't affect any of them and some even proceeded to sympathetically smile as they passed. Being that Paul was with me to carry my schoolbag, I usually turned to him, recoiling from their ingnorant smiles and stares, pointing, "See that!...Paul! That was the pity stare!" And he would assure me that, no, they were being nice by doing that. As we continued on, my anger towards "the walking" grew more. As another student would brush by me, I would turn to Paul with widened eyes in disgust at the way they would strut by me, obviously showing off the fact that indeed, they had TWO perfectly capable legs.
So, in retaliation, I devised a brilliant and infallible plan to "accidently" take the walking out one-by-one...one leg at a time. In several attempts, I put my crutch out a little farther when someone walked by to trip them, however I always failed because whoever was accompanying me would push my crutch in and exclaim that I almost tripped them, and I would feign dismay but inwardly flip the bird and say special explicatives designed for them alone for foiling all my attempts. Eventually, but not soon enough, I healed and was blessed yet again by the antichrist with one last hell...a cankle. Yes...cankle...the calf of my leg could not be distinguished from my ankle. It was fat as hell. No more skirts, capris, flip flops, ankle jewlry for another three months when the swelling finally left. I am just now about over this whole fucking ordeal (it seems like it, right?)...yeah, but now my roomate just broke her leg. I guess I know how she will feel. But now that I am back to being one of the walking I will have to watch the fuck out.
User Reviews
Submitted by KoolWang (user info) at 2004-04-15 07:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm Rick James Bitch!
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-04-15 07:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Solid -2 post.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
or better yet... mrs. Paul rae ray
Submitted by seckzrebel (user info) at 2004-04-13 23:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lol...yep Paul and Paul. Its even worse becuase his last name is Ray and my middle name is Rae. So when we marry I will Paula Rae Ray. Shit.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-04-13 23:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:52:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
"These circumstances left me bitter after a few days of this same conversation with the masses. However, my animosity towards people grew magnanimously when I had to go my university for semester exams."
Awesome. Using a word that you have no idea what it means in the same sentance in which you talk about your exams at university.
Honey, this post reeks of trying too hard. When you just start writing honestly and stop trying so hard, you'll see better ratings from me.
You're lukcy you didn't post this back in the good 'ole days. People would have ripped you a new asshole back then.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Forgive Spike... she's been a bit.... Anal lately. It's not her fault she's an anal crab right now. I think it's just an infection.
Only thing is though... if you're paula... why the hell would you date somebody named paul?
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-13 23:11:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:52:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
"These circumstances left me bitter after a few days of this same conversation with the masses. However, my animosity towards people grew magnanimously when I had to go my university for semester exams."
Awesome. Using a word that you have no idea what it means in the same sentance in which you talk about your exams at university.
Honey, this post reeks of trying too hard. When you just start writing honestly and stop trying so hard, you'll see better ratings from me.
You're lukcy you didn't post this back in the good 'ole days. People would have ripped you a new asshole back then.
***********************************
Lets look at your first post Spikey
"I must be some kind of masochist. After reading the scathing commentary that seems to be the lifeblood of this site, I was filled with the undeniable urge to get in on the action with you crazies who are as bored at work as I am"
Whos trying too hard now, obviously loren1 and manfre are being such hard bastards as you are now, compared to most people on this site this first post is pretty good. Respect.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-13 23:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dont worry about the sharks on here, nice first post, it was better than mine! after all it was about killing americans ahahaha
Submitted by DraconianKing (user info) at 2004-04-13 22:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2, spikegoddess is a goddamn bitch and everything she writes is pure shit...not that i write good stuff
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:52:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"These circumstances left me bitter after a few days of this same conversation with the masses. However, my animosity towards people grew magnanimously when I had to go my university for semester exams."
Awesome. Using a word that you have no idea what it means in the same sentance in which you talk about your exams at university.
Honey, this post reeks of trying too hard. When you just start writing honestly and stop trying so hard, you'll see better ratings from me.
You're lukcy you didn't post this back in the good 'ole days. People would have ripped you a new asshole back then.
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wait...
So your name is Paula, and your boyfriend's name is Paul?
Submitted by SpecialKR4 (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I snapped my ACL falling off a stage in a club. Of course everyone assumed I drunk, but I had only been there 10 minutes, someone spilled a drink under my feet and I slipped and fell.
After my knee reconstruction, I was on crutches for nine months....and the mothers with strollers were the worst. Everywhere I went they'd come straight at me, like some perverse game of gimp chicken.
Since the ACL controls lateral movement a quick sidestep was out the question for me.....I finally started sticking my crutches into the wheels causing their speed walking to come to a hault. Since when does being a mother entitled you to run down people with your stroller?
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meant to give you a +1
out of pity
Submitted by iamhewhoisnot (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:45:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good first post. Better than mine. Oh yeah... Dont feed the Griefers.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
KM - Way to ask the worst questions.
My question is, when you were fucking your bf, would the cast chafe his side?
Submitted by KoolMang (user info) at 2004-04-13 13:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What happenned to you in the hospital, exactly? I've never broken my leg before. Did your mom really bathe you, as well?
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-13 13:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Oh, I'm sorry honey... Would you like someone to carry you around until your leg heals?