I Swear To God, My Landlords’ Kid Is Trying To Kill Me (1049 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.65 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by triliad (View user info) at 2004-04-13 14:14:11 EDT
But not through conventional means, oh no. The little bastard has to be the most creative 3-year-old I've ever encountered. You see, my landlords are the family that owns the house that contains my basement apartment. What I failed to realize prior to moving in to this apartment is that the front hallway of the floor above me runs the length of my apartment. When the kid runs up and down the hall, I'm half-expecting him to come through the ceiling.
Big fucking deal, you say, I live near noisy people too.
The kid also shrieks. Constantly. At about 170 db. This 3-year-old has lungs on him that make Pamela Anderson look like a 12-year-old girl shopping for training bras at Wal-Mart. To make matters worse, the family is Russian, so even if I were to conceivably shout "Shut the fuck up!" at the top of MY lungs, it would do me precisely zero good because I'm sure he doesn't know 'shut', 'the', or 'fuck', and only has a vague idea of 'up'. Sometimes he screams while running up and down the hall. I know that if I tried that, I'd pass out from lack of oxygen, but no such luck for him so far.
But wait, there's more.
I'm pretty sure that the kid's parents are starting him bowling at an early age. The heavy object rolling up and down the hall above my head at five in the morning certainly sounds like a bowling ball. I pray daily that he'll slip and knock himself unconscious flinging this thing around, but so far no luck. When he's not bowling, he can often be heard driving his remote-controlled car up and down the hall. Of course, being three, he lacks the hand-eye coordination to do it properly, so he often steers the car into walls, at which point he screams until someone comes and sets it back in the middle of the hall. Judging from the amount of time he spends doing this, his parents are singlehandedly responsible for maintaining Duracell's profit margin.
I fucking hate this kid.
Sometimes, to break up the monotony, he'll drop stuff on the floor. Shoes, lamps, his mom's china cabinet, shit like that. This provides a nice change of pace, because instead of the constant thud-thud-thud of him running up and down the hall, I get the thud-thud-thud-BANG-thud-thud of him running up the hall, slam-dunking the credenza, and then running back down the hall. I'm sure once he gets strong enough, he'll start dragging shit up the stairs so that he can throw it back down. Fuckin' kid.
User Reviews
Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2004-07-05 06:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Have a helping hand - 'Shut up!' in Russian is - Zakroite vverh - pronounced something like:
zak-royt-ye vyerh. There's no translation of 'Shut the fuck up' as there's no Russian word for 'the.'
However, this might be useful: 'Shut up you bastard child' is 'Zakroite vverh vas drachevyi rebenok' - or zak-royt-ye vyerh vas drach-yev-i ryeb-yen-ok.' Kind of.
'Go back to Russia' is Vosvratite k Rossii - Vos-vrat-it-ye kross-ii. Kind of again.
Go shout. Hope it helps.
Submitted by PolPot (user info) at 2004-07-05 06:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WORD
Submitted by Nobb (user info) at 2004-07-05 05:40:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Haha
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-15 13:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cut a hole in the floor and cover it with some carpet.....then put punji sticks below it.
Submitted by vergedor (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:33:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Try to build a trap under his bed or his bedroom closet. Then there will really be a monster there to terrorize him.
Submitted by Fuckface_Jones (user info) at 2004-04-15 00:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
positive 2 all the way, butt freak!
not for your post, i didn't bother reading it, but for this one:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/29119
Submitted by triliad (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Christ, he's got a fucking hockey stick. His dad brought him home a hockey stick. Maybe I should eat him.
Submitted by Jays567 (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is what woodchippers are for.
Submitted by govenator (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Supossedly a bag of oranges across the face
works miracles.
Its kinda odd, my old landlord's kid supossedly
burned his house down while his father offed his
mother. This is one fucked up world.
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:24:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Adman (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:33:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with cwL989 here, eating him would be the most logical course of action.
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my coworkers wonder why i have a perpetual smirk on my face.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just hurry up and die!
Submitted by Adman (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:33:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with cwL989 here, eating him would be the most logical course of action.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-13 15:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:29:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Beat him with a rubber hose. It doesnt leave marks.
Or so iv been told.
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Nothing is as inconspicuous as a beating with a phone book.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:27:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:42:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Eat him.
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cwl989 - You're my hero.
Submitted by schwenckie (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Children suck.
Submitted by TaK (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:14:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a little fucker.
Trying feeding him his own intestines through a funnel.
Sorry, I'm a little morbid today...
Submitted by FATMANTPK (user info) at 2004-04-13 15:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A chop to the throat would settle him down, or at least give you some satisfaction
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eat him.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:37:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have found that leaving a radio on at speaking volume is quite effective to deaden the noise from the neighbors. I call it the "white noise solution". If they get loud, I change the station to ghetto-101 FM and turn it up a few notches. If they really piss me off they get NPR-ed. It also gives us some privacy too. If we need to make some noise, usually the radio covers up most of the sound.
You gotta fight fire with fire.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:35:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can totally sympathize with this. The people below me have a real love for Techno music. I like that shit if I'm out at a club or something, but who in God's name puts it on at 7am, getting ready for work? And I'm talking so loud it makes the walls shake. I've countered this by practicing my basketball dribbling around my halls at 11pm.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:32:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gradually weaken your ceiling (his floor) until the little bugger falls through.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:29:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beat him with a rubber hose. It doesnt leave marks.
Or so iv been told.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:25:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think my neighbors upstairs are what kids like this one turn into when they grow up. They crash around at all hours of the day and night...not helped by the fact that they have no rugs to muffl the sound...when you have wood floors, dropping a MARBLE sounds like some kind of stampede.
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-13 14:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for demon children