Cybersex I Have Had (8684 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.67 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrStrangeDhruv <bigdhruv.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-13 16:01:26 EDT
I'm sure all of you have seen that fake cybersex thing that's been posted on Ubersite about 8 times (if not - http://www.ubersite.com/m/7599). Anyway, I decided to go out in the field and try the same thing, just this time, for real.
Adopting the guise of a 22 year old woman ("22/f" I believe it's called), I logged on to a popular Java chat room designed for 'cybersex'. The results were not as funny as that overused cybersex article, probably because that was all made-up while this was real, but oh well.
By the way, I'm one weird fucker, as you will see.
(CREDIT: "Papaya" log-off line courtesy a comment on Ubersite by Yes.)
Hawk> hi chick
Dchik> Hi...
Hawk> asl
Hawk> actually a only
Dchik> 22/f... what about you?
Hawk> 22m
Hawk> coincidence?
Dchik> Heh, I guess.
Hawk> wanna try something hot
Dchik> Like what exaclty?
Hawk> hot chat for now
Dchik> Alright, Hot chat such as...?
Hawk> me getting down bw your legs
Dchik> What are you going to do there?
Hawk> do you talk dirty
Dchik> Sure I do
Hawk> ....
Hawk> ok say something dirty
Dchik> Alright.
Hawk> and........
Dchik> Garbage all over the street, with banana peels and the stinking rotten stench of onions
Dchik> Fish bones and stale meat... you getting turned on?
[long pause]
Hawk> pk lets try it other way
Dchik> What do you mean?
Hawk> I mean talking about getting fucked and all
Dchik> Oh ok that.. sure, go ahead.
Hawk> no no no; you go ahead and i shall follow
Dchik> Oh alright...
Dchik> Getting 'fucked' - it involves an elaborate system of mutual stimulation known as 'foreplay'
Dchik> Causing the penis to harden and initiating the outflow of the vaginal juices
Dchik> This leads to insertion of the male penis into the feminine orifice which is now lubricated thoroughly
[another long pause]
Hawk> cool; now I shall sleep soundly
Dchik> Glad I could help... was I good?
Hawk> what, you a doc or what?
Dchik> No, just an excited woman looking to play... you wanna play?
Hawk> sure I do but cant guess what games you play
Dchik> Well I like bocce-ball. Do you like bocce-ball? Sometimes I like to play Monopoly.
Dchik> You wanna play Monopoly?
Hawk> um how to we do that?
Dchik> Well, let's start. I'm at Go, and I roll a six. I reach Leicester Square and I put up two hotels.
Hawk> uh ?
Dchik> Now I'm converting my green set with four houses each to double-hotels. You're still stuck at Whitechapel.
Dchik> Gradually I take over the whole board. I draw a fortunate Chance card. I double all my assets and bankcrupt you.
Dchik> My piece rules supreme over the entire locality. Victory is mine! I laugh heartily at your terrible impoverishment.
Hawk> ??
Dchik> I unceremoniously insert my penis into your earhole and announce in a steady, rumbling voice that I am a man.
Hawk> oh fuck
Dchik> You lose the game. You stick your dick in a papaya.
Network connection closed.
Connection dropped.
Sonnyboy> Hello Dchik
Sonnyboy> will you help me and prevent me from doing some work like i should be doing?
Dchik> Heh, OK...
Dchik> What work should you be doing?
Sonnyboy> well ishould be proof reading a report one of my colleagues sent me...
Sonnyboy> its science, and its dull!!
Sonnyboy> whats your asl anyway?
Sonnyboy> i'm m/28/London
Dchik> 22/f
Dchik> Oh alright... science huh?
Dchik> What job do you have?
Sonnyboy> environmental scientist
Dchik> Wow, must be interesting.
Sonnyboy> sometimes its cool
Dchik> Yeah...
Sonnyboy> actually this report is pretty good, its about pollution in a river in Karnataka
Dchik> Oh ok.
Sonnyboy> apparently there's an over exposure to the nearby industrial towns
Sonnyboy> too much toxic waste and sewage inflow, all improperly deposited by the govt
Dchik> Oh, that's a pity.
Sonnyboy> yeah. so you wanna cyber?
Dchik> Sure, cool.
Sonnyboy> alright, what you wearing?
Dchik> Toxic waste.
Sonnyboy> huh, what?
Dchik> You know, toxic waste, disposed sewage apparel. Improperly deposited by the government.
[pause]
Sonnyboy> er ok??
Dchik> My pussy is wet and all.
Sonnyboy> ooooh mind if i lick it?
Dchik> The pussy or the toxic waste?
Sonnyboy> er
Sonnyboy> er the pussy
Dchik> Oh, okay.
Sonnyboy> i lean forward and lick your pussy.. ytou gettin horny?
Dchik> Oh yeah. I smear the toxic waste all over your face and tongue. You indulgently swallow several grams of hazardous chemicals.
Sonnyboy> what the hell!
Dchik> Dangerous toxins shrink the size of your pasteurized penis. Small and shrunken like a raisin, it retracts into your pelvic cavity. I am disgusted by your tiny size.
Sonnyboy> fuck... no way, its 11 inches....
Dchik> I quickly dress up in my semi-acidic garb. I fling handfuls of radioactive byproducts at your miniaturized dick in departure.
Sonnyboy> fuck off,, its 11 inches bitch
Dchik> I laugh in the face of your puny cock. I snortle at the sight of your wrinkled winky.
Sonnyboy> fuck its 11 inches really
Network connection closed.
Connection dropped.
hot-dog> heyy chic u wanna cyber sex?
Dchik> Okay.
hot-dog> cool wots ur asl? im 19m
Dchik> 22/f
hot-dog> whoa cool i love older women ;P
Dchik> Haha really?
hot-dog> yeh theyre awesum in bed ;P
Dchik> Haha okay.
hot-dog> cool so ur an older woman,. wot u wearin?
Dchik> A frumpy striped nightgown, horn-rimmed glasses and grandma panties.
hot-dog> oh, cool im in jus ma undawear ;P
hot-dog> u get naked now babe
Dchik> Oh, sure. You wanna see me in nothing but a smile? Well, a smile and my dentures. I can't take my dentures off.
hot-dog> yeh ok, get naked babe
Dchik> And my prescription bifocals. If I don't wear those I can hardly see a few inches in front of me.
hot-dog> cool k get naked
Dchik> Okay, I am removing my nightgown. I stand before you in my bra and panties.
hot-dog> whoa u look hot ;P
Dchik> Really? I'd have thought most people would find the sight of my breasts sagging down to my bellybutton a bit unattractive.
[long pause]
hot-dog> so i am hard and redy for u now babe
Dchik> Alright, come and get me. Wait, let me take off my panties.
hot-dog> ooo yeh show me sum pussy babe
Dchik> Okay, here you go. I pull off my underwear and my wispy white pubic hair is visible to you. That is, all the hair that hasn't fallen off yet.
hot-dog> ok so u wannt my dick now babe? its hard n redy ;P
hot-dog> k i am puttin it in ur pussy... u like dat babe??
Dchik> Yes.
Dchik> Oh, pull out! Quick!
hot-dog> wts wrong?
Dchik> I have to pee. I have a weak bladder. I forgot to take my urine medication prior to our sexual adventure.
hot-dog> kk?
Dchik> I projectile urinate all over your pelvic area. The bladder motions trigger an untoward bowel movement. I feel a shit coming on.
Dchik> I am now dumping rock solid lumps of feces over your penis.
hot-dog> W TTT FFF
Dchik> I grab my bifocal lens cleaner and attempt to wipe clean the explosive mess. My dentures fall out and fracture your nose.
hot-dog> i thot u wer 22??? denturs?!!
Dchik> Well I thought you said you liked older women!
Dchik> How dare you go back on your word like that! What are you, schizophrenic? You are a real weirdo, you know that?
Network connection closed.
Connection dropped.
Bart> hi wanna chat asl
Dchik> Bart?
Bart> yeah thats my nick
Dchik> You're Bart?
Bart> yep thats my nick
Dchik> Your "nick" is Bart?
Bart> bart is my nick....
Bart> asl
Dchik> By "nick" do you mean name?
Bart> no bart is my nick, asl
Dchik> Your name wouldn't be Bart then?
Bart> no barts just my nick
Bart> are u f
Dchik> Bart, huh?
Bart> yeah so wats ur name
Dchik> Bart. The name makes me suspicious.
Bart> k its just my nick! ur asl?
Dchik> "Bart"... so what's your real name, "Bart"?
Bart> doesnt matter u wanna cyber??
Bart> wats ur asl
Dchik> "Bart" isn't your real name you say. I have a strong feeling it is indeed your real name.
Bart> its my nick, just my nick
Dchik> Tell me, "Bart", you wouldn't happen to have at any point of your life "licked a bum's ass," would you?
Bart> wat?
Bart> i can lick ur ass if thats wat u want... if ur f
Dchik> I see, "Bart". Very interesting. So tell me, do you have a refrigerator filled solely with bottles of soda and, oh, say, the odd past-expiry bottle of Hershey's chocolate syrup?
Bart> no but i got some ice cubes if in there if u want em on u... or u like choco sauce huh........ wats ur asl
Bart> ur a chick right,
Bart> coz ur nicks dchik...
Bart> are u
Dchik> You seem oddly preoccupied with my gender, age and geographical location, "Bart".
Dchik> This wouldn't have anything to do with, just off the top of my head, some sort of complex arising from a situation where you drew an ostensibly gay Frenchman smoking a cigar, would it?
Bart> wat??
Dchik> Tell me, "Bart", do you think the movie Titanic is a cinematic classic?
Bart> asl
Bart> titanic was not bad i guess but nothing great..... y??
Dchik> "Not bad", huh, "Bart"? I see... I see.
Bart> dchik ur asl??
Dchik> So, "Bart", would it turn you on if I told you I give great oral and also make a mean creme brulee?
Bart> whoa yes so ur a f then
Dchik> So it would turn you on, huh, "Bart"?
Bart> yeah thats cool.. wanna cyber
Dchik> A-ha! I knew it!
Bart> wat
Bart> knew wat
Dchik> Bart, why didn't you just tell me it was you?
Bart> wat?
Dchik> Look, Bart, it's alright, a lot of other guys log on to chatrooms for this 'cybersex' business, it's nothing to be ashamed of, really.
Bart> uh wat dchik
Dchik> I mean, sure, it's a bit of a loser, nerd-like, geek-paradise, never-get-laid thing to do, but come on, Bart, you should have just had it out in the beginning.
Bart> wat?
Dchik> Oh, come on, Bart! I'm from Uber.
Bart> dchik?
Bart> what?
Dchik> Bart, no more of this fooling about. The truth is out, just come clean. It's cool. I won't tell anyone else on Uber if you like.
Bart> dchik ur asl, ur wanna cyber or not
Dchik> My 'ASL', Bart? I suppose you think I'm Kristen or something.
Bart> the actress in tv.?
Dchik> Drop the act, Bart. You've been exposed.
Bart> wat dou mean dchik?? u wanna cyber? u said u give great oral sex huh..
Dchik> Bart, it's me.
Bart> wat
Bart> who u
Bart> do i no u?
Dchik> Bart, it's me, Mick Ginny.
Bart> who??
Bart> u wanna cyber....
Bart> u no cybersex like we can talk dirty n stuff
Dchik> A-ha! So you want to have cybersex with "me", eh? Mick Ginny, huh, Bart? I guess now we know how he got 3rd spot on that "Most Heated List". Hitwhore, my ass. Your whore, more like it. Har har.
Bart> .............
Bart> dchik
Bart> sex?
Dchik> I'm appalled, Bart. APPALLED.
Bart> wat u dont wanna cybersex or not
Dchik> My faith in you is shattered, Bart. SHATTERED. To think the creator of Ubersite would stoop to this level.
Bart> dchik, u wanna sex
Dchik> I raise my nose at you, Bart. I RAISE IT. I cannot believe the depths to which you have sunk. You are a sick man, Bart. SICK. A sick man.
Bart> wat just coz i wanna cyber with u!!!
Dchik> Go away, Bart. Leave me alone. Don't come near me.
Bart> wat the fuck dchik???
Dchik> I think I'm going to cry.
Bart> dchik
Bart> do u wanna cyber
Bart> wats ur asl?
Network connection closed.
Connection dropped.
hunglikeahorse> heyy asl
Dchik> 22/f, what about you, "hunglikeahorse"?
hunglikeahorse> 24/m.. wanna cyber?
hunglikeahorse> so what are u wearing
hunglikeahorse> mmmmmmmmm
hunglikeahorse> i like that
hunglikeahorse> yess
hunglikeahorse> gooooooooooooooooooood
hunglikeahorse> ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh
Dchik> Are you okay?
hunglikeahorse> mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Dchik> Oh, you're doing a joke cybersex thing too, I take it?
hunglikeahorse> neiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhh nnneeeeeeeiigggggghhhhhhh
Dchik> Yeah, obviously.
hunglikeahorse> mmmmmmmmmmm aaaa aaaaa aaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaa aaaaaa aaaaaa aaaa
Dchik> So what forum are you going to post this lame and generally weird conversation on?
hunglikeahorse> whoa how did you know!
Dchik> I'm doing the same thing, moron.
hunglikeahorse> hey really u didn't say anything
Dchik> Well you started your inane onomatopoeic sound-fest before I could get a word in edgewise.
hunglikeahorse> uh yeah heh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Dchik> Yeah, you can stop that shit now.
hunglikeahorse> mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Dchik> Look, cretin, I already know now, so what's the point of going on like a spastic?
hunglikeahorse> ooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hunglikeahorse> oh yeah hehe
Dchik> Let me guess, you're not very good at this 'joke cybersex' thing, and you were just planning to make a monotonous, bland roll of conversations where you run the same gag over and over, right?
hunglikeahorse> noo..
Dchik> And then, of course, you'll probably post it on some moronic 'preteen chat forum' where everyone writes 'rofl dat was halirious doode' in reply to it, correct?
hunglikeahorse> no stfu
Dchik> And then you discover this new website called 'uber' something, log in with a randomly chosen username such as 'fingerbang' and piss off everyone by posting the same illiterate diarrhea over and over, right?
hunglikeahorse> wtf u talkin abt, my post is gonna be fuckin hilarious, dude
hunglikeahorse> neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhhh neiiiiiiiiiggghh
Dchik> Listen, genius, it's already established that this is a joke conversation, so what exactly is the point of babbling on like a moron with that bullshit?
hunglikeahorse> u dont get it huh fucking stupid bitch... neiigh neigh coz my names hung like a horse, so the sounds like a horse, stupid fucking idiot
Dchik> No! Really? Oh, okay, now I get it, because I totally didn't know that earlier, so with that new information that I definitely had no idea about, my whole opinion of you has changed. I now think you're Einstein, hunglikeahorse.
hunglikeahorse> yeah stfu
Dchik> Just kidding, loser. Go stick your dick in a papaya.
Network connection closed.
Connection dropped.
Sonnyboy> chick i swear its 11 inches...
Dchik> I chuckle at the canker of your congealed cock. I sputter at the spectacle of your shrivelled schlong.
Sonnyboy> its 11 inches!!!! i swear!!
Network connection closed.
Connection dropped.
User Reviews
Submitted by Abusivelusive (user info) at 2004-05-14 20:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*collapses*
Submitted by lilbill87 (user info) at 2004-05-12 22:05:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious!
Submitted by wally (user info) at 2004-05-09 15:00:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
loved it
still not as good as "i put on my robe and wizard hat"
but awesome :O
Submitted by Tummy (user info) at 2004-04-28 03:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wish i could rate higher cause that shit sooo funny
omg i warship you god i love you
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2004-04-28 03:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Check out this one by me:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/9069
Submitted by TheMidnight12AM (user info) at 2004-04-28 02:49:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-04-15 08:25:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, write something sexual in the title and clock nearly 800 hits. From now on, I resolve to put something sexual in the title of all my posts, bwa ha ha.
Submitted by schwenckie (user info) at 2004-04-14 11:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the effort, it was funny. 0 because you actually had the time to do this and that makes me mad.
Submitted by Goldeneyes (user info) at 2004-04-14 10:59:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
More like a 1.5, but I'll give ya the 2 for effort.
Plus, it makes me feel less ghey for having done the same sort of thing years ago...
Submitted by opposable_thumb (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude (user info) at 2004-04-14 01:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blam
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NICE!
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-13 22:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I wanted the condensed version... I have ADD...
Submitted by spedmonkey (user info) at 2004-04-13 22:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Come back, baby! I'll monopolize YOUR papaya...
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-04-13 21:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Goddamnit. I can't give a bad rating to any post with a punch line that involves good use of the word:
Papaya.
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-04-13 20:20:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-04-13 19:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I guess now we know how he got 3rd spot on that "Most Heated List". Hitwhore, my ass."
haha!
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But dude.... seriously it is 11 inches.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed at least as much at yours as I did at Bloodninja's.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh deary me...
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:07:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAW?
Submitted by Falconer (user info) at 2004-04-13 18:03:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by triliad (user info) at 2004-04-13 17:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-04-13 17:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this is real than your the 17th coolest doode on Earth
GO SOX WOO!!!
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-04-13 17:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i liked the Bart one.
"Bart, it' MEEEE"
hahahaha
+2
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
only read the first one but I LOL'd OMG!!!
Submitted by volklcess (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:52:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I won't lie. I loved it. I fucking loved it. I was laughing my ass off.
:-)
Phoenix
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the Bart thing was definitely amusing
Submitted by McMuffin (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very Funny.
Neiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
Submitted by Jays567 (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:46:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny...although, I don't think all of your attempts at pretending to be a female were posted.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:32:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Some of it was good.
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:28:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good, but some of them went on a little too long. And yes, that picture is somewhat arousing...
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture is strangely arousing.
Submitted by Naja (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
okay
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-13 16:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I expect better from you.