Without A Compass (Part One) (425 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <deisangua.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-13 23:10:13 EDT
Did I love her? No more than anyone else, I suppose. At the time, I certainly knew that I did. Unlike the admissions I hear from others, I have been in love...in love with life, in love with the world, in love with all the people in it.
I have also hated it all, so deeply that I have smeared that malice on my face like war paint and gone to do battle with the heart and soul of those I once embraced. I am not a nice person, though I know some would defend me on that point. They would defend my honor with a passion that is nothing less than admirable.
If they knew the things I have done, I am sure they would think differently.
But I digress, as I do at times. Her name is Megan. Or it was, at least; she may be dead by now, or worse. She was a runaway, and that we had in common. Except that she was not alone. Her younger brother had run with her.
They were running from their father, and had every right to do so. He was a rapist, as so many fathers seemed to be. At the time in my life, I had heard rape from so many countless lips that it had become difficult to believe that this is not the way of things. That is, that a woman was lucky to have reached her eighteenth birthday without having been forced into violent sexual submission at least once. And fathers were extraordinarily common perpetrators of this crime.
Perhaps that was an unfair perspective. But a dog sometimes never knows the world outside the junkyard. I know now that it was the people that I was surrounded with, meshed with through social enforcement and denial. I was in the garbage bin of the "civilized" world. And all around me were the cast offs, the spiritually wounded, the ones that the average person would think:
Oh, that's sad.
Then they would go on with their life. And the victim would go on with hers, or his, in an existence that continued to be torture; each day unnatural and sublimely agonizing. And surrounded by these, I was convinced that pain was the coin which ran the world. Hate was in the taste of food. The first breath of each new life included the smog of disinterest.
I still don't expect much from people. That is probably obvious by now, if you've been paying attention. Maybe you have, but my heart says no, you haven't.
Oh, that's sad...now get on with the story.
I'm backing into it slowly, okay?
Megan, she had a little brother. David. He had been a victim of Dad, too, sick as that may be. I showed them both how orphans survive on the streets. What to avoid, when to fight, how to put themselves first...all the essentials. In the process, Megan began warming up to me. In the sexual sense. But she needed a guardian, not a boyfriend. I can come across as being paternal by nature, though I have no children, and she was in search of a real father figure. One who wouldn't sneak into her bedroom at night and whisper nasty thoughts in her ear before making her touch him 'there.'
On some level, I did not trust her sexuality. Sex is power, and I refused to be powerless. I initiated. I did not succumb. That is another trait that has lasted through time: I am impossible to seduce. The woman who tries is likely to be ignored, or worse, treated like a thief caught in my house.
But Megan made her advances. She was rebuffed, though she was both pretty and desirable. Yet we remained close. I have a way of engendering loyalty easily. I know that part of it was that she also wanted me to continue protecting her brother. I would have done so without any sexual favors, but Megan didn't think things were free. And she was right. Nothing is free. It is a greedy world, and I am convinced the inner nature of any individual creature lies solely in its own interest.
That's a very dog-eat-dog view of the world, is it not? I like to keep my teeth sharp. Why do you think I hang out here?
Speaking of dogs, I should probably mention C.J. He ruled, and not in the 'you're totally fucking cool' kind of way. As an armed and criminal teenager, he had his own following. In this way, he was far too much like me.
There was one crucial difference, however. He wanted to rule the streets we lived on, and I wanted to defeat them. I thought I could prove to the world it could be done. How wrong I was. I mean, rising above dismal beginnings can be done; I know that personally, but society doesn't care. It's like bringing irrefutable proof to a courtroom only to have the judge refuse to look at it to see if it is worth admitting.
Dog eat dog, indeed. Knowing that people don't give a damn is the biggest advantage I have ever known. It is the greatest freedom of all.
But C.J., he had petty dreams of ruling the roost. He also had the manpower, and the influence. He mostly left me alone, because I was no one to care about. I don't even think he could remember who I was before the day I smashed the car I was driving into the side of police cruiser at 50 miles per hour. The passenger side, of course. Right where he was sitting.
Vengeance is an awesome lover, and sometimes you have to risk life and limb - and freedom - for the sex.
That is a story for another time, however. It is only partially connected to this one. That incident with the car was retribution for Megan's betrayal, and nothing more. It was just punishment.
****************
[To be continued. Maybe.]
User Reviews
Submitted by Luckystar (user info) at 2004-04-14 17:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, keep it coming!!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-14 09:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have just been the victim of a drive-by ranking.
My new auto phrase when I am mass viewing a single author or rating things i read before i started ranking
If you got one of those that is why.
Have a nice day :-)
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-14 08:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is excellent.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-04-14 07:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mystiamoon, Heimdallsman, Kaelic, and drky - Thank you to all of you. I do plan to continue this, but I kind of have to be in the right frame of mind, and there's UberMadness, so the next part may not be for a bit, although it could be tonight for all I know.
BleedTheSky - You're so cute when you're being as wrong as humanly possible with eight simple words. It makes me want to pinch your cheek and pat your head. Instead, I'll just have to settle for being condescending.
ohlookasquirrel - I see a few variations all the time. The most popular one seems to be "Deis." Others twist the second and third letters around and refer to me as "Die" - although maybe that's not meant to be a nickname.
SpikeGoddess - Thank you for breaking that down. Sangua is not a precise translation (the actual Latin root is sanguis), which is why you may not find words that fit it. Other words with the same root are "sanguine" and "sangria." Mmm...sangria.
Submitted by drky (user info) at 2004-04-14 06:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Please continue, you are enticing me in...
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-14 01:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes.
Viv, you can spell it.
Dei, like God. Dei. Agnus Dei. Deity. Dei.
Sangua, like blood. Can't think of words. Sangua. Dei Sangua.
There is absolutely no better ubername he could choose. You can learn it.
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to see this continued ... a lot.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:10:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's your nickname? I can't spell your ubergiven name.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-04-13 23:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go baby, go.
Get on with part 2 right the hell now!
Well written. You've got me believing it...
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-04-13 23:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You think everyone is a lot like you.
No.
Not at all.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-13 23:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"[To be continued. Maybe.] "
please? pretty please?