Look At Me And Smile (952 hits)
Category: UberMadness!Rating: 0.37 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Uber Madness 2004 (View user info) at 2004-04-14 00:30:36 EDT
 |
This post is officially part of UberMadness!. Click here for more information on the rules and restrictions. |
Entry 1
I've never been one to act my age.By the age of seventy-five, and with no one to spend time with, I was certainly at a loss when it came to entertaining myself. I played Bingo every Wednesday, and Bridge every Thursday. I didn't have any children and all of my friends were already gone. I was a lonely old man.
Occasionally I would go to strip clubs and gaze at hot, young, female ass. Thats an entirely different story altogether.
So, when it came to having fun, I didn't have much going for me. I began to rely on spontaneous instances of humor to amuse myself. Instances that would only be amusing to someone late in life. Instances that only people near the end of the road would even have the guts to create.
Last Wednesday, at the bookstore, I found myself in such an instance.
That morning, I began my day with a normal breakfast--three boiled eggs and a tall glass of prune juice. I read the paper with my breakfast. When I was done, I eased down (damn the hemroids)in my trusty recliner and grabbed "Cuba Libre", by Elmore Leonard, off the coffee table. Much to my dismay, I only had the twenty-sixth chapter left to read.
I quickly finished the book. It was only nine o'clock in the morning, and I was pretty sure I wasn't going to die that day, so I needed something to occupy my time. I grabbed the keys to my enormous Lincoln and left.
I drove the entire way to the bookstore with my left blinker on, just to spite young drivers. Ten miles per hour under the speed limit, too. This is just one way that someone who is waiting for death amuses himself.
--
Thirty minutes later, in the Western section at the Barnes and Noble down the street from my house, I felt an unbeleivable need to break wind. And by break wind, I mean fart. Bust ass, flagulate. Toot, if you will.
Turning my head, I could see there was no one in the aisle with me except a man in a dark business suit. What the hell, I figured. I let loose.
"Baaaawwwww!". My rear end sounded off like a foghorn. The man in the suit jumped as if he'd been goosed from behind. He looked at me and smiled, embarassed. He probably thought I was cute--an old man busting ass in public.
There was nothing cute about the eventual smell, though. Apparently the man had had boiled eggs for breakfast that day too, and was not interested in a second helping. When the aroma of twice cooked egg yolks wafted from my corduroy pants to his nose, he took his Larry McMurtry selection and got the hell out of Dodge.
"Hmmph." I thought. That was fun.
I strolled to Romance section. Here I found a middle aged woman pushing a stroller, looking at the latest Danielle Steele. I grabbed a random book off the shelf and frowned at the artist's rendition of Fabio on the front cover. I cocked my head to the side and looked at the woman and her baby.
"Beeeeeewww!" This fart was high pitched and sounded like air being quickly let out of a balloon. The woman and her baby both looked at me and smiled. I pretended not to notice and concentrated on Fabio's massive pecs. In my periphial, I could see the woman slowy and deliberately breathing through her mouth.
"Bah, Romance stinks!" I said as I left them alone in the aisle. At this point, I was thoroughly enjoying myself.
In the Children's Section I found my next victim. A little boy sat on a footstool, reading a Harry Potter book. I stood next to him, gleefull in my anticipation. Thanks to the stool, the boy's face was directly in the "line of fire". A step closer and the crack of my ass would have been on the bridge of his nose.
"Blup. Blupblupblup. Blupblupblupbllllbup. Blup." A series of loud reports clacked away like an old typewriter. The little boy looked up at me and smiled, sheepishly. But I was frowning. Suddenly, this little game wasn't so amusing anymore.
There I stood, seventy-five-years old, in the Children's Section of Barnes and Noble.
With crap in my pants.
- VS -
Entry 2
(10 bytes) [text/uberhtml]Entry 1:
0 eligible votes (0 total) *
Entry 2:
0 eligible votes (0 total) *
* Eligible votes are those made by users who had either (A) posted 3+ messages OR (B) written 100+ [lowered from 750+] reviews as of the beginning of the UberMadness! competition.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-14 15:19:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think drink is the devil.
this is awesome.
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-14 13:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dah - pretty entertaining
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-14 09:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, I hope you're a lefty.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-04-14 09:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A soon as the results were posted 5 keys on my keyboard stopped working, I have 3 voicemails from my boss, and my right arm has fallen off. I think drink is using voodoo.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-14 08:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
0-0-1 is the story of my life.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-04-14 07:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I forget that drink can be amusing and well written, hopefully he will set an example for the rest of the assholes...
-Turtle
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:10:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:01:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
post 1 did not move me but post 2 did a horrible job portraying mental illness. So I vote 1.
>ducks from Spike<
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're the first person to rib me for that, and I've been WAITING for it to happen. Haha, thanks for finally ending the suspense as to when it was going to be! By the way, I am seriously looking forward to your first post. You're super cool. You've been a full participant in Madness even though your votes don't technically count. You're pulling up all of the best old posts and rating them. Your taste is awesome. You just rock. Thanks for coming out of lurkdom
===========================================
Wow Wow Thank you very much and that means quite alot coming from you. Also It has been nice to make friends here and feel included even though I have yet to post.
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:01:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
post 1 did not move me but post 2 did a horrible job portraying mental illness. So I vote 1.
>ducks from Spike<
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're the first person to rib me for that, and I've been WAITING for it to happen. Haha, thanks for finally ending the suspense as to when it was going to be! By the way, I am seriously looking forward to your first post. You're super cool. You've been a full participant in Madness even though your votes don't technically count. You're pulling up all of the best old posts and rating them. Your taste is awesome. You just rock. Thanks for coming out of lurkdom.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
COME ON RAZOR POST THE RESULTS SO I CAN START SHIT TALKING WOOOOOOOOO
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Quack I for one totally dug your story. If you do end up losing then cry me a river and go write some more like it. Thank you. That is all.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:44:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
I want #1 to win to make up for all the times girls wouldn't have sex with me in highschool.
________________
best review ever. hahaha. and fuck you for walking your way in when i'm losing this round to iddqd. damn it all to hell.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-14 02:01:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
post 1 did not move me but post 2 did a horrible job portraying mental illness. So I vote 1.
>ducks from Spike<
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-14 01:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha well the only reason this post didn't come up a day ago was because Yidele got stuck at work and couldn't post, so he forfeited, then DDT sent out an email asking Yidele to please submit anyway and to extend the deadline like the gentleman he is (did I just write that about Tim fucking Bax???).
Yidele never got back to us today, probably stuck at work again, and so the post just came up.
So, DDT... how are you loving being in the sweet 16 with a record of 0-0-1?
This has to be the most bizzare thing in the whole tourney.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-04-14 01:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you should have kept the forfeit rule. if you lose to a forfeit then someone who barely lost from the last round (or barely lost with the highest rating if there are multiple) should be able to drop back in
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-14 01:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bring it, Method!
I can't wait till tomorrow to see which post you wrote! And don't underestimate yourself. I certainly won't underestimate you.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-04-14 01:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Im gonna be up against Spikey or Jwlmar.
Im a dead man.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-14 01:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I will be playing the winner of Johngalt and Fionavar.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-04-14 01:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can I start shit talking now that I've won this round? Or will i get DQed on a technicality
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
how you doing in your ubermadness post ainkara?
i cant be the only aussie representing in future rounds...
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No one here.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:55:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Who's getting laid? And why isn't it me? Or is it?
Hmmm...
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No way, I've been non-laid a lot more than you, I'm certain.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If that's the standard of winning then I think they should give me the title and put all my posts on Bored at Work.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I want #1 to win to make up for all the times girls wouldn't have sex with me in highschool.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I want Number 2 to win and for us to put tuesdaydelay in the forfeit spot.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You wont win. Its rigged. Tuesdaydelay will win it all.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:38:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to win by forfeit or by tie all the way to number one.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck that, im protesting, especially now that I know it's you. Heh.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
neener neener you have to vote for me
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entry 2 kicked all sorts of ass. That sad face had me mesmerized.
Why can't I vote??
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-14 00:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I vote for #2. Fuck you for telling me I can't.