Romeo Must Die (968 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.25 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Gent (View user info) at 2004-04-14 11:48:09 EDT
Here's my best Rush Limbaugh:
Ladies and gentlemen, as I have stated many times in this forum, we have a serious problem that threatens to tear apart the very fabric... the very essence of our society. A society, ladies and gents, that incidentally, I love very much. And being the public servant that I am... the man of the people, protector of the faith, the ambassador of Democracy, I feel it is my responsibility to present to you this new problem which is not, incidentally folks, as new as it may seem.
Perusing the newspapers ladies and gentlemen, as I am wont to do, I stumbled across an advertisement that aroused my interest (author's note: ad displayed below). This is something that should be offensive to every decent, hardworking man and woman in our fair nation. Those of us that rise early, each morning, and dress for a job at which we will contribute something to society. But here, ladies and gentlemen... here we see an example of everything that is wrong with our country.
This feline... this cat, as they say... this Felis domesticus, as we of enlightenment may refer to it... but nevertheless, folks, I call this animal a plight on society. A drain on the pocketbooks of decent, hardworking Americans as significant as teenage welfare moms and dope smoking invalids.
Romeo is his name and, incidentally folks, a more apropos moniker I cannot recall. Romeo, it seems, spent a great deal of his youth living as a common scofflaw... impregnating cats... siring an army of illegitimate kittens... and, quite honestly, creating a significant nuisance in his community. And now, ladies and gentlemen... and now Romeo expects us to forgive his previous maleficence and bring him into our fine and decent homes.
And that is but the tip of the iceberg, my friends. Romeo now, it seems, is tainted with the disease that so many like him are tainted with when they have lived a life of vice and sin. And that disease, my friends, is FIV... or feline immunodeficiency virus. Of course, this raises a bigger issue, one that the spendocrats in Washington don't care to discuss. Despite the overwhelming evidence that supports what I am about to say... despite scientists and doctors conducting study after study to prove this finding, the liberals refuse to admit that FIV is, in fact, a disease propagated through homosexual feline activity. It seems, ladies and gentlemen, that not only did Romeo seek a courtship, shall we say, with Juliet, but he also was quite fond of Mercutio as well.
And what are we to make of this cat? Are we simply to overlook his past and bring him into our homes to love and feed and dote over as if he is more upstanding member of the feline class? And what effect will he have on other cats living in the household? Ladies and gentlemen, despite what the so-called Liberal experts tell us, we have a greater than sneaking suspicion that homosexual feline behavior can have a lasting and profound impact on younger cats, or kittens. Will Romeo's constant prodding and lisping meows eventually lead our beloved hetero-kittens down that dark and dangerous alley known as homosexual depravity? Before long, we will have an entire society of welfare dependent, FIV infected, homosexual kitty cats.
So in essence, the real story is this: Romeo spent his youth engaged in illicit, degenerate, and most likely homosexual affairs, and now, when he is sickened with disease and at an age where he finally wants to settle down... to receive care and end his disgusting life as a street cat, he expects us to pick up the slack. And isn't it just like the liberals to place an ad like this? To downplay Romeo's disgusting behavior and portray it as nothing but a "wonderful personality". It is so like the liberals to mislabel degenerate behavior with the new language of the politically correct... homosexuality is now "alternative lifestyle"... welfare abuser has become "economically challenged"... and there are many others... terms designed to sugarcoat behavior that was, until recently, shunned and punished in our society.
So I say, ladies and gentlemen, that if you are foolish enough to bring a creature such as this into your home, more power to you. I for one will not be fooled by this perversion of nature masquerading as a loveable feline. It is my responsibility to open your eyes to this type of deception, and that is what I intend to do. But beware of these kinds of scams, folks... for this is the dangerous hand of liberalism reaching it's hand into your very abode... the place where you break bread with your upstanding family... and it is the liberal attempt to change the fundamentals of our society. Do not think for a minute that this is not a gathering danger in our nation; first it will be FIV cats infiltrating our homes and next... well, next folks, I don't even want to imagine. I think this Romeo deserves to be locked away in a shelter, until which time he is called to answer to his Creator, who will determine the fate that he will suffer for his lifetime of sin and debauchery.
But don't just take it from me, ladies and gentlemen. I am but your humble servant committed to bringing truth into the public's eye. Learn to heed the warning signs on your own and, ladies and gentlemen, we will be far better off as a society... one step closer to forever toppling the rising storm of liberalism before we slide further into that dangerous chasm known as socialism.
User Reviews
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-15 10:32:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesometastic.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-04-15 00:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well written post. I had an image of that fat fuck in my mind as I read it. Limbaugh is one of the saner conservatives, but he is still a mornic idiot.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-14 15:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just got the next issue of 'Pet Gazette'... more cases of cats with FIV. Maybe this really is an epidemic.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-14 15:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, Snerdley... I forgot.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-14 15:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You should have included at least one reference to MR. Snerdley. But you write a decent satire, and that's something you can't teach.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-14 14:55:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-04-14 14:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe.... this was funny.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-14 14:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you look on the picture I attached, you will also notice an ad for Marylou's coffee... not only is Marylou's known for having great coffee, but also for their strict policy of only hiring young, hot women. It's the little things that make a business succeed.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-04-14 14:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by cwl989 (user info) at 2004-04-14 12:10:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm actually a vet, so that made it even funnier.
Homosexual cat. That's good.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-14 12:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wrote this with Rush's voice in my head.... I think that's why I thought it was funny.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-14 11:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read the paragraph, and doing Rush's voice in my head, this is hilarious.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-14 11:53:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This post must die.