What Would Jesus Drive? (1116 hits)
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Submitted by Gent (View user info) at 2004-04-15 12:21:42 EDT
What Would Jesus Drive... Or Why I Would Rather Be Nailed to the Cross Than Make Another Commute to Work
I tell you... if the answer to the title of this post is an SUV, then it confirms my suspicions that Jesus was, in fact, an asshole. What with all the wars that have been fought in his name and the people who feel they have the right to cut me off because, as their bumper sticker says, Jesus is their co-pilot. But seriously... isn't that justification to commit just about any atrocity on the road? Get pulled over doing a buck-ten, "Sorry officer, I know I was driving fast but remember, Jesus is my co-pilot." Hit a pedestrian walking in a crosswalk? "Sorry buddy... but my Holy co-pilot here needed to get his Egg McMuffin before they stopped serving breakfast."
But I'm getting sidetracked with Jesus, when this is about my commute. A 35 minute drive that takes me from one of the richest sections in Boston to one of the most depressed... and that's all before I hit the freeway. It's funny how, depending on the relative prosperity of a given area, there are different obstacles that a driver must face. Starting with the wealthy, the greatest obstacle on the road tends to be SUV's... or more accurately, women driving their kids to school in these land-tanks. And most of these SUV's have televisions in the back... because God forbid their brats go more than 10 minutes without staring mindlessly at the Olsen Twins on a Paris shopping spree.
This is a good time to pull back for a minute and throw in an aside:
This is designed to illustrate the relative wealth and pompousness of the area I live in. I was at a local sushi restaurant with some friends and I noticed a young family sitting across from us... parents in their 30's and a boy-child of about 6. This six-year old was naming all his favorite sushi dishes that he wanted to order... without looking at the menu, When I was his age the only food I was interested in were Pudding Pops, and this kid had the sushi menu memorized. Suddenly, he looks up at his parents and says, "Mommy, can we PLEASE go to Prague for vacation this year?" Mom looks at sweetie and responds, "Well I don't know darling, I'm not sure that daddy will have business there this year." Sweetie folds his arms and stares at them crossly. "But I really want to go to Prague again." Mother sighs and looks at Father with pleading eyes, then says, "Alright, we'll go to Prague, but only if you eat all your Sushi... and that INCLUDES the rice ice-cream dessert."
I shit you not... this exchange actually took place verbatim. Even though this kid was six and I was 24, I had the instant desire to shove him in a locker and steal his lunch money.
But back to the story of my commute...
I think driving an SUV gives people the idea that they are perfectly entitled to drive like complete assholes. Forget blinkers... those are for poor saps driving Toyota Corollas. And you're goddamned crazy if you don't think I'll cut you off by taking a left from the right lane... I'm in an SUV, your in a Grand Am, it's a simple matter of physics. It reminds of the episode of 'The Simpsons' in which Mr. Burns attempts to drive his car on his own for the first time, running red lights and scattering pedestrians on the sidewalk as he yells, "Out of my way... I'm a motorist!"
About 15 minutes into the commute there is a rotary (or roundabout, for our European friends) that signifies the crossing from rich area to poor. Of course, while in the rotary, I still have to dodge SUV's that are entering... I may have the right of way, but shit, they're in a tank while I'm in a pussy sedan... what right do I have to complain. I think the final straw came one day when I was cut off by a GMC Suburban with a bumper sticker that read: "My other vehicle is a Hummer". The fella driving that car doesn't need Jesus as a co-pilot, because he, in fact, is a God.
You know what... I can't even finish this, it's making me too angry. I live through this commute every day, and I don't want to relive it while at work. Perhaps someday, when the pain of it all recedes, I can tell the rest of the story... the part about phase II of the journey that takes me through one of the most economically depressed areas in the state of MA. Phase I is the land of the SUV, and Phase II is the realm of the crazed pedestrian... it's like a warped version of Homer's 'Odyssey', just without the promise of returning to the riches of my kingdom. No... instead all this leads to sitting behind a desk and starring at a computer screen. Oh god... I can't go on... thankfully in just two weeks I'll be done with this commute, moving from MA to our nation's capitol where I will be a proud passenger of the Metro.
User Reviews
Submitted by sublime (user info) at 2004-04-22 17:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
we did boo the american national anthem, but the Boston fans cheered loudly at our anthem and proceeded to chant USA during the game at some points,
its the same damn thing
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-04-22 17:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was despicible, Gent. Very disrespectful.
From the bitter aftertaste of an old series where the Canadian anthem was booed.
I liked how the Boston Fans cheered extra loud for the Canadian anthem...
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-22 17:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did montreal fans booed the american anthem ?
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-22 11:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't say that I'm surprised with the outcome... the Bruins fold in the playoffs every year.
In my response to you below, I meant to say that I hope Bruins fans DON'T boo the Canadian nation anthem when it was played... which they didn't, which showed some class.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-21 19:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:10:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
So Caul is a french-canadien. Listen, don't blame me that your players quit the other night... that was pathetic. I don't think there will be any National anthem booing tonight though... at least I hope there will be. Unfortunately for you, Les Habs will be finished tonight.
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You were saying ?
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-04-15 21:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hea-hea-hea-hea-hea-hea-hea-hea-hea
That's my Peter Griffin laugh. I only use it the sometimes.
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-04-15 20:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus would be driving either the world famous "GENERAL LEE" from "Dukes of Hazzard.......or Starsky's Grand Torino.........."ROGER THAT, ZEBRA THREE ROLLING"
Submitted by whywhywhy (user info) at 2004-04-15 20:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus would drive a camel with his arab buddies
Submitted by SpikeGoddess (user info) at 2004-04-15 19:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the best rant I've read on here in a while.
Jesus would drive a VW Bus. Actually, Jesus wouldn't drive. Peter would drive and Jesus would try to calm his road-rage.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-15 19:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gent, if you've ever had a burger in the DC Metro Mall, OOOOOOH MAN is it good. I don't think there's 1% beef in it, it's mosly hardened Crisco, but it is gooooooooood. I still have some crusting around my aorta if you want a taste.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-04-15 19:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jesus would definately drive an Ice Cream truck.
Where ever he went, children would follow.
That, and after spending (Was in 40 days? Not too familiar with the New book) in the desert, I'm sure he would love to spend some time in a rolling ice box.
"When bells sound....."
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-04-15 18:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain.
SUVs and "People Carriers" (Mini-Vans??) are just as much of a curse in the UK.
People should be made to take a special test before being allowed to drive them. I have lost count of the number of times I have been stuck behind one trying to get into a parking space that I could (easily) put a 40 foot bus into.
Submitted by reaganslovechild (user info) at 2004-04-15 18:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
dude jesus would, no questions asked, drive a 1968 camaro ss/rs. why you ask, cause hes badass i answer
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2004-04-15 18:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"A Christler."
That got a chortle.
I'd like to think Jesus and his 12 would get a large passenger van and truck around town that way. It'd be economical and practical.
I hope your commute is better on the way home. Listen to some Basement Jaxx.
Stay orange.
--JW
Submitted by Judoka (user info) at 2004-04-15 14:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Welcome to our nations capitol, enjoy the subpar mass transit, crime, politicians and the fact that city shuts down when it snows.
Submitted by Dazd1 (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh dont worry as soon as you get on the metro you wont have to deal with the commute but you will have to deal with getting mugged and sexually abused by the homeless people. hehehe
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PMJ might be on to something here... has it ever occured to anyone that Jesus might've been a Wookie?
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought that Jesus was co-pilot on the Millenium Falcon... Oh wait a sec... that was Chewbacca.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha. I couldn't even make it through the first line without laughing.
I tell you... if the answer to the title of this post is an SUV, then it confirms my suspicions that Jesus was, in fact, an asshole.
Hilarious.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Christler... that's good.
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice rant.
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:25:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone knows Jesus was a Harley man.
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:14:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll defend the Metro here...
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eh, it's not that bad I suppose... I just hate transferring. Everytime I get on, time to transfer to another line. I'm a lazy bastard. I want a direct line from wherever I am to wherever I need to be.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think old Jesus would drive the gremlin. So he could suffer some more.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:21:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A Christler.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Bwahahahahahaha.....that message was brought to you by the user:
TuesdayDelay
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't Jesus really drive a flying donkey? Wait, what version of the bible do I have?
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if jesus could drive, it would be a Bugatti Veyron (W-16, 1001hp, 253mph).
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll defend the Metro here...you can say all you want about it, but when you compare it to the T (which I eternally adore for its quirks and memories of happy drunken trips to one place or another), it's clean, runs more or less on time, and they're finally getting rid of those creepy-ass orange cars. Hallelujah.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gent this post kicked much ass. Congrats!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-15 13:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So Caul is a french-canadien. Listen, don't blame me that your players quit the other night... that was pathetic. I don't think there will be any National anthem booing tonight though... at least I hope there will be. Unfortunately for you, Les Habs will be finished tonight.
Submitted by dohnuts (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:07:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HaHa! Wait until you get a load of DC's sorry excuse for mass transit... the Metro system blows (in my humble opinion).
Welcome to DC though!
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:06:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post.
A side note though, everyone knows Jesus drives a rainbow colored rocket ship.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-15 13:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, I was honestly going to post something like this tomorrow.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-04-15 12:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed at that line too!
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-04-15 12:43:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Sorry buddy... but my Holy co-pilot here needed to get his Egg McMuffin before they stopped serving breakfast."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I think I laughed up my spleen.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-15 12:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So you're from Boston. With the current playoffs I'm tempted to -2 this post to hell but since it was damn good here's your +II.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2004-04-15 12:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
**I think driving an SUV gives people the idea that they are perfectly entitled to drive like complete assholes.**
I don't think its SUVs that breed this mindset as it is cars in general. Because I'm a poor college student and can't afford a car, I have a bike. You would not believe the crap I have to put up with from every crackhead with a set of keys and a speed fetish.
Submitted by Gent (user info) at 2004-04-15 12:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I usually don't post rants, but today was a particularly bad commute.
Honestly, I have to calm down... I'm still angry for having to relive this. Is it wrong to drink at lunch?
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-15 12:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fer da halibut
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-15 12:27:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-15 12:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is too good to even try to lay a compliment on without sounding cliche.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-04-15 12:23:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny dude!
When I see those people I pull out my chainsaw and kill them where they stand.
But that's just me.