Operation: Operation (1467 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.8 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mad Scientist <honda.at.mad.scientist.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-16 02:47:10 EDT
This past Monday, I had my right hand operated on as a result of my encounter with The Pine Tree of Satan. (Original post here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/29858)
It was nothing too serious- just a routine operation where they knocked me out cold to attach rods, pins, plates, and other miscellaneous hardware to the bones in my hand. It was at this time that I learned of a new "pain management" technique that some hospitals are starting to employ.
In the waiting room, before surgery, there were literally hundreds of little yellow pamphlets that described their new system. On the front of the booklet, it showed a number line, with the numbers one through 10 progressing from left to right. The book then went into great detail about how you should describe your pain to the various hospital personnel by using a number from one to ten.
"...A ZERO would indicate that you are experiencing no pain, while a 10 would indicate that the pain is very extreme and/or unbearable..."
So a few hours later, there I am, laying on a gurney in the recovery room, waking up from an anesthesia-induced coma; my right hand/arm throbbing in the most intense, hellish pain I've ever experienced in my entire life. No sooner than I realize where I am, the nurse asks me "how do you feel?" And the following conversation ensues: (please bear in mind that I have just woken up from a 4-hour surgery, and am crying and screaming like an 8-year-old girl)
Nurse: "How do you feel?"
Me: "Like my fucking arm is on FIRE!... please, give me SOMETHING!"
Nurse: "I will need you to express you pain with an integer between one and ten"
Me: TEN! FUCKING TEN TO THE TENTH POWER! GIVE ME SOMETHING!"
Nurse: "Well, we've given you all the drugs that we can give you"
Me: "PUT ME BACK TO SLEEP THEN!!"
Nurse: "I'm sorry, but we can't. Just try to hold out a little longer."
At this point, I desperately would like to know why I had to "express my pain with an integer" if there was nothing that she could do about it.
For the next few hours, the nurse would walk by, and ask "How are we doing?!". She said "we", as if, somehow, she is on my "team" or something. To which I would reply with a number.
Nurse: "How are we doing?!"
Me: "Nine! My pain is a fucking nine"
Nurse: "How are we now?"
Me: "Eight! Please, give me some painkillers!"
Nurse: "Are we okay over here?"
Me: "Seven"
Nurse: "How are we doing?"
Me: "Ten minus four"
Nurse: "How about now?"
Me: "The reciprocal of a prime negative integer divided by its square root over seven to the tenth power. I NEED A FUCKING ABACUS!"
After a few more hours of the numbers game, they rolled me into a private room, where I was treated to the finest Saltine crackers and Mountain Dew that I have ever had. Then, I was allowed to go home. On the way home, I found myself thinking about how ineffective their "pain management" program was. When I woke up in the recovery room, how do I know that my pain level was ten? Theoretically, that would mean that I could not experience worse pain, and I am not sure that was the case. If I thought my pain level was a one, how do I know that I can't experience slightly less pain? My solution: at the beginning of every person's hospital visit, a nurse should come around with some sort of contraption that punches you in the face with a pain level of five, so that you have a reference point to base all of your "pain integers" on. This would be the "control" of any science experiment. It only makes sense.
User Reviews
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2005-01-01 05:08:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lolzz...this isnt reel,,u r a bot bot bot!
itz foolery!
Submitted by MadScientist (user info) at 2005-01-01 00:13:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fucking Classic. (Not to blow my own horn) But I laugh every fucking time I read this.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2004-12-28 15:00:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My solution: at the beginning of every person's hospital visit, a nurse should come around with some sort of contraption that punches you in the face with a pain level of five, so that you have a reference point to base all of your "pain integers" on. This would be the "control" of any science experiment. It only makes sense.
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That is seriously a good idea - not the punch in the face, but perhaps a shock/slap to the arm, or something...
Submitted by jillybean (user info) at 2004-04-20 11:12:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nurse: "I will need you to express you pain with an integer between one and ten"
That was hilarious... it was like those 'empathy' experiments... "and how does that make you feel?"
nice. :)
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-04-20 10:13:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My solution: at the beginning of every person's hospital visit, a nurse should come around with some sort of contraption that punches you in the face with a pain level of five, so that you have a reference point to base all of your "pain integers" on. This would be the "control" of any science experiment. It only makes sense.
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A hee heee
mICHEAL jACKSON
Submitted by NintendoCzar (user info) at 2004-04-20 02:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's ok, I still love you
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2004-04-18 22:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post really touched me in that special place.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-18 21:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My solution: at the beginning of every person's hospital visit, a nurse should come around with some sort of contraption that punches you in the face with a pain level of five, so that you have a reference point to base all of your "pain integers"
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how cool would that job be? Sign me up!
Also this post rocked!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-04-18 19:52:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
awesomeness.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-18 19:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is the definition of gorgeous.
Submitted by kireisarah (user info) at 2004-04-18 19:45:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of my favorite posts ever.
Submitted by Gorbachov at 2004-04-18 19:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-16 15:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-04-16 03:13:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
A "controlled" punch in the face of with level five pain? Can I have one of these just to carry around and demonstrate on people with?
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A Technological Advance Whose Time Has Come.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2004-04-16 15:48:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2004-04-16 15:32:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great title.
Sorry you're in pain.
Submitted by BleedTheSky (user info) at 2004-04-16 08:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am reminded of the Saltine Challenge. Whoever said that it wa impossible to eat 7 saltines in a minute or whatever it was either lied their ass off, or sucked at life.
Submitted by FireEagle (user info) at 2004-04-16 07:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's right!~
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-04-16 07:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I recommend falling out of a bar window and breaking your wrist, while stone cold sober, as my suggestion for a 10?
Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2004-04-16 06:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Passing kidney stones... That's a 10.
Imagine passing shards of a shattered light bulb through your tadger every time you urinate.
I recommend sitting down to pee. That way, if you pass out you won't fall so far.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-16 04:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apparently breaking your femur is one of the most painful things you can experience without passing out. That's a huge freakin' bone.
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-04-16 03:13:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A "controlled" punch in the face of with level five pain? Can I have one of these just to carry around and demonstrate on people with?
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-16 03:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think a shot in the nuts with a steel toed boot might get you a 10. Or an unexpected amputation by shark or alligator.
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-04-16 03:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Me: "The reciprocal of a prime negative integer divided by its square root over seven to the tenth power. I NEED A FUCKING ABACUS!"
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Definitely the greatest line in any post ever.