Find the Soap (1727 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.76 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Envenom (View user info) at 2004-04-16 11:15:18 EDT
I've never been a fan of public restrooms, but I've never encountered anything quite like the bathrooms at my job. These are the sloppiest, crudest people I have ever come in contact with. They will violate the toilet in a most heinous way, and not even bother to flush. Toilets are constantly being clogged. Sometimes you can't even get close enough to the toilet to flush it. I've even heard reports from some of my female co-workers that some women have actually taken a dump on the floor. And females are supposed to be the "cleaner" sex? Anyone who's ever had to clean the ladies room knows this is not true. (I once worked in a retail store where the sales associates had to take turns cleaning the restrooms because they were too cheap to hire a cleaning crew. And they wonder why I quit?)
All of this brings me to the issue of soap. Every day we have to play the exciting game of "find the soap." You see, there are about 5 sinks in the men's room but these bastards are so cheap that they only bother to fill one soap dispenser at time, and it's always in a different place. I relate this to the "groundhog game" you see at amusement parks and fairs. You know, the one with the mallet where you have to run back and forth hammering away trying to guess where the groundhog's going to appear? That's me, running from soap dispense to soap dispenser. I never see anyone of a janitorial nature go in there, but it seems like it changes on an hourly basis. I know it's supposedly "illegal" to put cameras in restrooms, but if I didn't know better I'd swear some fucker was sitting back watching all this on a monitor, mocking me. "Warmer, warmer, cool, getting colder, colder. You're so fucking cold I could give you a glass of water and pull snowcone out your ass! Hahaha! I am the all powerful bathroom overlord, feel my wrath!"
If you are lucky enough to actually find the soap, you are then encountered with a new problem. You see, despite the fact that the soap dispensers are pointed downward, the soap somehow manages to defy the laws of physics and flies directly out at you, landing on your shirt. I have seen many a shirt get caked in soap, yet another childish prank of the bathroom overlord. It takes a subtle wrist and some quick footwork to master the art of dispensing the soap, actually managing to get some of it on your hands, then dodging the remainder of the soap projectile.
Finally there is the issue of toilet paper. Being of course the cheap bastards that they are, they lock up the TP. I cannot understand this. Well OK, my girlfriend did steal the TP repeatedly from her old job, but it was the nice fluffy kind. Everyone likes fluffy TP, and hell, it was free. This shit is like sandpaper. Who the hell is going to steal that? Maybe the next time I'm trying to make a birdhouse or a new bong this might come in handy, but I would not wipe my ass with it if given a choice. I'd rather wipe my ass with a porcupine. And yet they lock it up. Frequently the top roll will run out, and you can the spare roll, but you can't get to it without a key so it sits there mocking you with your pants around your ankles. Bastards!
I'm sure many of you have encountered similarly awful bathroom scenarios. Please share. In meantime, I eave you with a pic of what our restroom looks like on a good day.
User Reviews
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-06-16 11:24:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good use of Uberboard.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2004-06-16 04:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Very funny, dude. Talk about sandpaper-style shit paper, I remember the day I got out of boot camp I went to my brother's house to hang out, and naturally wanted to take a shit in a private, clean-smelling bathroom. So I go to wipe, and I thought I grabbed the goddamned hand towels the TP was so fluffy.
Toilet humor still reigns supreme.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-06-15 22:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha! Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-06-15 22:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You bastard.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-19 08:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK. Those are some freakishly large moles. :) Actually, I thought they were gophers, like in Caddyshack. Is there are a difference between a gopher and a groundhog? Seriously.
Submitted by BonesForBucks (user info) at 2004-04-18 12:31:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good post, but they are in fact moles. That's why the game is called "Pop-A-Mole" or "Whack-A-Mole."
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-18 12:30:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kilgore (user info) at 2004-04-16 16:01:57 (#)
Ranking: 0
They are moles, not groundhogs. Ass.
he is right. Whack' a mole? WTF is a ground hog anyway?
I still love the post
Submitted by fionavar (user info) at 2004-04-16 19:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since bathroom humour is the topic of the day:
http://www.ratemypoo.com/ratemy/poo
Yes, it is exactly what it appears to be. The curly ones are the best.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-16 16:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"They are moles, not groundhogs."
What kind of fucked up carnival do you go to?
Submitted by SausageKing (user info) at 2004-04-16 16:19:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have seen some nasty washrooms in my day. I purged the details from my memory though.
I like making the whole world my washroom.
Submitted by Kilgore (user info) at 2004-04-16 16:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They are moles, not groundhogs. Ass.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-16 11:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, thanks Fetish. Glad to see someone found the soap.
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2004-04-16 11:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit
Pun intended
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-04-16 11:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One time I took a dump so big that the turd just sat there every time I tried to flush.
And why would you ever rather wipe your ass with a porcupine than with sandpaper-like toilet paper? I think it'd be the other way around for me.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-16 11:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheh, some real Seinfeldian humor. I dig it.
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-16 11:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-16 11:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I've even heard reports from some of my female co-workers that some women have actually taken a dump on the floor."
-1 I was eating.
-1 This ruined my pristine image of the fairer sex.
+2 The soap is in Poly's ass.
+1 I laughed.
+1 I've never found a reason to +2 one of your posts.