The Punisher Punishes Movie Audiences (643 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 0.46 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <w00t.at.what.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-16 20:18:46 EDT
If anything, this movie should have been labeled a Crappy Violent Comedy.
So, there are three famous people in the movie- John Travolta, Rebecca Romjin-Stamos (Uncle Jesse's Wife), and the infamous Ben Foster.
The guy they picked to play "the punisher" was on my soap opera once.
Anyway, so lemme lay out the story line for ya.
+++=================================+++
Frank (Punisher) kills Saint's (Travolta's) son during a gun deal. Saint, in turn, kills his entire family, because that's fair right?
+++=================================+++
I knew the movie was taking a turn for the worst when the punisher didn't die after being shot in the chest and washing up on shore with the T-shirt his son gave him. And the part where he turns to a VooDoo guy on a boat and says "God's sitting this one out" :snort snort: How clever...
+++=================================+++
Frank moves into the shittiest built apartment building ever and builds a badass GTO and a boobie trapped apartment. He forgets to brace the walls though, so the scene with one of the bad guys he gets tossed into his neighbor's apartment.
Speaking of neighbors...
In the meantime, Joan (Romjin-Stamos), his neighbor in his new apartment complex, keeps trying to get in his pants like, "I've never had anyone defending me like that :whimper whimper:" Frank, still keeping his "I'm punishing people" look, tells her he doesn't dig her that way. This goes on about 17 times.
Distraught and with a lot of free time on his hands, he decides to kill Saint and family. This includes him making Saint think his wife and best friend are sleeping together. So Saint kills them both, and "The Punisher" walks in and says "Nananananaer, I made you kill them and guess what, your best buddy was a creepy gay guy" in a very made-ya-look kind of way.
Frank blows up his son and then Saint in what is supposed be very dramatic way. He ties him to the back of a Cadalliac by the foot (Now, he's already shot Saint in the stomach) and lets the car drag him into his own dealership where he blows up all the cars and Saint to make it look like his new T-shirt.
+++=================================+++
There was no good violence in this movie. There was your typical shoot 'em up kind of action, but not a whole lot of "Oops I made his head explode" or "Wow he really fell apart from that grenade" kind of violence that I was expecting.
The only violence that was kinda cool was when they ripped out all of Foster's piercings and when Frank jammed a knife through the roof of some guy's mouth. The violence was so bad, that at one point during the movie, Frank pulls out a bow and arrows--
Now wait, I'm getting there...
Then he shoots a guy through the neck, and instead of blood, it just looks like one of the head bands you put on during halloween to make it look like you are William Tell's kid. I couldn't stop laughing. By this time, Frank became Robin Hood: Prince of Punishing.
There was only one very dark, hard-to-see titty shot. And that was about an hour into the movie. So to go see this movie, there was at least one boobless hour and an almost sex scene with Travolta and non-cheating wife. Also, there is a man kiss. A real man kiss. With tongue. Before the titties.
The cheese was iminent--I know this--but it was taken way too far, with lines such as:
"God's sitting this one out"
"We're not lucky, We're blessed"
"He wants to die, Let's help him"
"Daddy, why do we move all the time?"
"I'll tell you when you're older"
and many many many others...
To quote the boyfriend (who came with me), "It's like String Cheese, though--where you can eat a lot of it without throwing up or getting sick of it. Not like the french kind of cheese, where you open the package and everyone leaves the room because it stinks so bad."
The villians in this movie included the Russian, blonde cousin of Waldo from the "Where's Waldo" kiddie books, Quentin, the creepy gay best friend who likes to smack his boyfriend around, the older brother, the Micheal Corleone wannabe, Harry Heck from Hells Kitchen, MI, the goth who sings silly songs, and Saint, John Travolta playing his "Swordfish" character but less cool.
Also, let me just ask--
If you're on an island and you've grown a beard because you don't have a razor, why is your chest still shaved?
What does the Voodoo guy have to do with ANYTHING?
Where are the police?
Where did all the ammo and miltary weaponry come from?
Why didn't he sleep with Joan? She was hotter than his wife.
Why wasn't there metal in the back part of his car?
Who the hell is Harry Heck and why are his fingernails purple?
I have never read the comic, so I can't tell you if it was close. But this movie was bad, shallow, and just ridiculous. See it when it's on video, and save yourself a $7.50. It's worth the rental for a laugh.
I give it a 3/10.
User Reviews
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-04-18 19:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
if you like kick ass movies, get your ass off the couch and go see this fucking flick!
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-04-18 13:53:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's just a downward spiral for John Travolta...
Submitted by KoolWang (user info) at 2004-04-18 13:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I punished your momz ass last night.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-04-18 13:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Like I said I would, I went to see this flick last night. It fucking owned, just like I said it would. I knew exactly what to expect: 100% pure ass stomping, and that's what it delivered. Contrary to all the asswipe critics, the movie was smooth, it flowed, had good character development and all that shit people look for when they go to see movie. When I go to see movies, I look for ownage, alcohol, and tits, this movie delieved all of that. For any of you who like action movies, this one kicks alot of ass. Fuck critics, I could kick Ebert's fatass any day of the week.
On the Bong's movie scale, 4 out of 5.
-BongZilla
-2 because critics can eat my ass.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-04-17 17:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
in my paper they gave it an F and made several references to the 8th ammendment, specifically the part outlawing cruel and unusual punishment.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-17 15:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hmm I still think it's gonna be good. perhaps your dislike stemmed from not actually reading the comic.....but the whole point is that he kills people and such not much else....
Submitted by Melany (user info) at 2004-04-17 13:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks, I was wondering about that movie.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-17 11:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny you should review this today...I just read a review of it in the Washington Post Weekend section that was actually very positive.
Of course now I'll never be able to decide.
I should just go...I always get pissed off at how damn expensive the movies are whether I like the film or not.
Submitted by Sumpy (user info) at 2004-04-16 23:51:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for saving me $7.50
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-04-16 23:34:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
they should let me write the storylines for these types of movies. i'd have the Punisher going around drinking cheap beer, eating red meat, and stomping everyone's fucking guts out, and it would be the coolest thing you've ever seen.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2004-04-16 23:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's only one true Uncle Jesse and he's from the Dukes of Hazard.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-16 23:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a shame. I had high hopes, as the movie was filmed in my home town. I'm glad I read this first though.
Submitted by Rixes (user info) at 2004-04-16 22:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone else remember playing the regular nintendo game of it? I think it was like duck hunt were you used the gun and just constantly shot people.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-04-16 21:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Didn't they already make a version of this movie starring Dolph Lundgren (or some other vaguely Nordic actor)?
-Davros
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-16 21:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have a ghey dhey. =)
Submitted by Slapshot99 (user info) at 2004-04-16 20:56:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
THANKS WOOT.........I had a feeling this one was gonna suck harder than Ginger Lynn on her audition
tape.............
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2004-04-16 20:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I refuse to read this because I know this movie is going to kick so much ass I can't describe it. I'm not going for plot, character development, or theme. I'm going for pulse pounding ass stomping.
-BongZilla