David and Goliath (1213 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.67 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hadley (View user info) at 2004-04-17 18:24:15 EDT
As I drove my car, an old BMW in definitely-not-showroom-but-still-decent-enough-to-be-cool condition down M Street in Georgetown, I witnessed the Soccer Mom From Hell prove to the world that Darwin was not completely off base with his theory of Natural selection by pulling rank over a poor Mexican who had just marred her $90,000 grocery-getter with his Ford Pinto. Did he deserve to be thwacked with a mesh bag of soccer balls on his greasy head? Possibly.
One minute prior to the beating, a baby was born, an old man died, a butterfly sneezed, and a fateful traffic light turned red. Hurtling toward the light at break-neck speed was the Mexican, who we will call Pedro Gonzales. The cruel light gave naught but a one second yellow light, certainly not enough time for this man to get his brakes to work, as they had obviously not had a tune up in quite some time. On the other side of the light, Mommy was trigger-happy with the accelerator and was a good five feet from the line by the time her light had turned green. At six feet, there was a collision to behold. This could not be happening. Things like this just don't go on in real life- no, they occur in my "wouldn't that be rockin' if..." dreams. I mean, seriously, a Pinto and an Escalade?
I sat and watched as the gas tank on the Pinto burst into flames and Pedro leapt from the driver's seat. I watched as Mommy honked her horn for a solid ten seconds (she is ENTITLED to be a bitch) before angrily waltzing down a step ladder to the road and shaking her finger and Sr. Gonzales. She pointed out the scrape on her mammoth vehicle, which was the size of pollen, and very well might have been just that. With her sheer corporate-royalty confidence, I watched her slowly wear away at any pride or hope that this man had.
To my surprise, Pedro mustered up all of his remaining sense of self and meekly gestured toward his own car, now a smoking pile of metal. This apparently did not warrant any sympathy from Mrs. Escalade, because I gazed in horror as she strode to her trunk. She pulled from within a bag of eight or ten soccer balls. She rubbed one perfectly manicured finger over the "gaping hole" in her car and proceeded to hoist the bag over her head and began to lay a beat down on Pedro Gonzales with such gusto as you have never seen in a forty-year-old. Had David been a retarded midget and hit Goliath in the shin with his small pebble, and Goliath then decided to sit on David, crushing his ribcage, I suppose the situation would have been vaguely similar to this.
From this experience I drew three conclusions to better my future:
1) Never buy a Pinto
2) Never buy an Escalade
3) Never stop your car in the middle of a busy street in downtown to watch anything short of a tsunami consuming all of Washington, D.C.
I got that last one because , when I looked in my rearview mirror, there was about three-fourths of a mile of cars who were beeping their horns at me. Asshole that I am, I caused a traffic jam. But I did acquire a new perspective on how the world works. And that is priceless.
-Hadley
Thwack.
User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-05-27 09:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not to sure what to say here. It's like when a guy from Bangladesh says "dirty paki's".
I liked it though
Submitted by negative2man. (user info) at 2004-07-15 10:56:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Magicaddict (user info) at 2004-04-29 10:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have waited longer. Can never have enough queues.
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-04-22 21:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very funny, and well written.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-21 17:06:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-04-19 11:11:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's an '89 I think. I could be wrong. ancient, falling apart, and ubercool.
-Hadley
I named it Aubrey.
Submitted by Tom at 2004-04-19 09:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What year is yourf Beamer? One time i hit and old BMW like yours at a stop sign.... stupid fucker actually stopped.
now I owe the bitch $1200. Damn Germans.
Tom
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-18 22:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-18 22:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LUCY <luckyduk.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-04-18 22:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, Mexicans.
Me llamo Lucy.
Maybe some time you should spend some time in southern texas. We have a lot of Mexicans who realy don't know how to bathe. Wow, I am one stereotyping motherfucker.
Submitted by Brian at 2004-04-18 22:42:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read your other work, this all looks prett good. I like your writing style, and I like your sense of humor, ice and dry. Enjoy your night. I agree, It's too damn bad this was posted on a weekend.
Bri
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-04-18 20:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Quack, oh Quack, what would my ego do without you?
-Hadley
grateful.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-04-18 15:22:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a really good writer. that was awesome. :)
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-04-18 11:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
much thanks, Bart.
-Hadley
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-04-18 05:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-04-18 01:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I'll ask him if he owns, or has owned, a Pinto.
-Hadley
Hola.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-17 23:31:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ask Razor, im fucking convinced hes a mexican
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-04-17 23:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Life Lessons.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-17 21:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh. Same here. If you want to look at any of my posts, don't look at the original ones. Just the last six or seven.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-04-17 21:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks but please ignore my "age old question". I will admit to hit whoring on that one. Yikes. Oh, how I've grown on Uber.
-Hadley
I hate weekends.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-17 21:18:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still, it's funny, Hadley. I'll be sure to check out some of your older stuff.
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-04-17 21:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damnit. I totally forgot to post this on a weekday. Fucker.
-Hadley
Moronic.
Submitted by bluerampage2 <bluerampage2.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-04-17 20:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gotta love the stereotyping!
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-17 20:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"One minute prior to the beating, a baby was born, an old man died, a butterfly sneezed, and a fateful traffic light turned red."
Great line.
I hate it when posts as good as this one don't get seen as much because they're posted on the weekends. It's really too bad. Great post.
Submitted by Desdemona (user info) at 2004-04-17 19:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff
Submitted by Herpes (user info) at 2004-04-17 19:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should have called him Pedro GonzaleZ if he was Mexican. The S at the end is what normally differentiates the Spaniards from the Mexicans.
Sorry for pointing that out. I've had to explain that to people all of my life.
- Gonzalez with a Z
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-17 19:29:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment