Trains, Wasps, and Segways: Why I no longer fear weapons of mass destruction (2916 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.96 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brat Prince of Uber (View user info) at 2004-04-19 03:07:29 EDT
Our national security crisis was really starting to scare me. I feared for the lives and livelihoods of all whom I love. I feared for everything that America stands for: capital, Starbucks, and reality television. I feared for the seven wonders of the western world: The Hoover Dam, The Statue of Liberty, that mountain with dead presidents' faces on it, Disney World, Yellow Stone National Park, Michael Jackson, and Lego land.
All of this fear because of those darned terrorists. Which I completely blame on the English for perfectly legitimate reasons. Assuming, of course, that Iraq has everything to do with modern terrorism including 9/11 (looks around shifty-eyed like a good 'ol boy). Let me tell you a little story why Iraq is all England's fault.
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Tommy wanted to build a model train set in his back yard. But Tommy had trouble building his train set, because there were these little bugs that were in the way. There was an ant hill with lots of little red ants, and bee hive full of busy little bees, and wasps nest filled with nasty wasps.
Tommy didn't want to be bothered by insignificant little bugs, so Tommy put the bugs in three jars. The ants in one jar, the bees in another, and the wasps in another. But Tommy was still bothered by the bugs, because the jars kept getting in his way where he was trying to build his train set.
So Tommy came up with a brilliant idea: Let's put all of the bugs in one jar! So Tommy opened up all three of the jars, and poured them all together in one jar, a nice little jar that was made in Versailles. The ants, the bees, and the wasps didn't get along very well, and they started to fight, but Tommy didn't mind, because they were all in a jar. One of the nasty wasps eventually rallied the others together and subjugated the ants and the bees, but Tommy didn't mind, because he had his little train set.
A while later, Tommy's snotty sister, Betsy, came outside, and started running around like she owned the place. She stepped on a saddle-back caterpillar, which gave her a mighty sting, and she hopped up and down on one foot, mad as hell. The caterpillar she stepped on was already dead, but she was mad, so she blamed it on the nasty wasps in Tommy's jar. The nasty wasps must have done it! Look how tasty they are to the poor bees and ants.
Tommy told his bitchy little sister that the nasty wasps couldn't have stung her, because they were too busy with the ants and the bees, and were still stuck in the jar. But bitchy little Betsy showed Tommy her sore foot, and Tommy agreed, "Yes, that is a sore foot."
So Betsy picked up the jar and gave it a nice shake. Then she yelled at the little critters for fighting each other, and was especially mad at the powerful nasty wasps.
So Betsy opened the jar and started squashing some wasps with her fist. Naturally, she squashed some ants and bees in the process, and the bees and ants got all pissy, even though Betsy was doing them a favor by squashing the nasty wasps.
Yes, Betsy shouldn't have blamed her sore foot on the nasty wasps. But they WERE nasty wasps, and if Tommy hadn't thrown them all into a jar, there would never have been a problem..
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You see!? All England's fault. Anyway....I thought I had a point to this post.
<Scrolls up>
Oh, yes! I remember. Why I no longer fear wasps...I mean caterpillars....I mean terrorism.
I was in the airport Friday to pick up one of my bestest friends from the airport, who is on temporary leave from squashing wasps. I was very disappointed in how airport security had progressed since 9/11, when I saw it.
A. Airport. Security. Officer. Riding. A. Fucking. Segway.
You heard me right, a Segway. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it is one of those battery operated scooter things. You don't believe me? I have visual proof below.
Oh yes, when the terrorists come riding laser-mounted Dinosaurs cloned from stem cells embedded in ambur, we'll be ready with Segways. With ze Germans come with their Rocketeers, we'll be ready with Segways. When the Polish come with their Knights on horseback, we'll be ready with Segways. When someone sneezes and 10,000 tactical nuclear weapons are flying to the destruction of life as we know it.
We'll be ready with Segways.
I feel safe, don't you?
In a completely different tangent, I've just been thinking about what perfect timing it is for the invention of the Segway. In an age where the vast majority of us our overweight, an age where most of us die fat-related deaths, an age when the only exercise we get is from our front door to our mailbox:
We invented the fucking Segway. To eliminate the need to walk to your mailbox, and to fight terrorism and all who harbor it. As Razor so eloquently put it, "Instead of walking to my refrigerator, I can just LEAN towards my refrigerator." You go, girl.
Oh, not to mention that those damn things retail for about $5,000. That is where your tax money is going.
Only in America.
User Reviews
Submitted by mr.awesome (user info) at 2004-08-28 01:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't know that there was a caterpillar that could sting. Cool.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-21 22:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here you go, Jon... http://www.ubersite.com/m/26645
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-21 22:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a cunt.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-04-21 21:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dude.....that's just wrong
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-04-21 14:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hahaha a +1 and I SHALL BE THE BEST EVER THIS WEEK
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2004-04-21 11:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but look how happy that gaurd is!!! he doesn't have to run to fight terrorism! he can do it at a liesurely pace.
BLAME BUSH!!!
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-04-20 10:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, AlwaysanEagle, this was at BWI. I don't know how many guards use them, though.
Submitted by TripinDayZ420 (user info) at 2004-04-20 10:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
one of the best analogies i have ever read.
Submitted by EvrenWasHere (user info) at 2004-04-20 01:18:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, i know you've all seen it already, but i dont care.
http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=segway_more_complicated_than_it_needs_to_be
Submitted by skatastrophy (user info) at 2004-04-19 14:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to say this is one of your best posts, and the black guy on the segway was like icing on the cake.
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-04-19 13:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome post.
I've always hated wasps, but as long as they don't swarm things end up being alright.
I wish I had a Segway. I just bought a little motor scooter and have been scooting around town. I got pulled over the other day for not wearing a helmut. I told the cop that it didn't fit over my aviator sunglasses and that my scooter was more of a skateboard than a motor bike. He let me off. He probably had some Segway experience which made him empathize with my plight.
Walking was so 2002.
Submitted by seanfogy (user info) at 2004-04-19 13:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont understand how you people are lost. This made comeplete sense. Oh well.
They should put robotic arms on that Segway so he wouldnt even have to reach over to hit the vending machine button.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-19 12:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
argh jon you stole my segway quote.
I suppose that is fair enough revenge for pre-empting your Rebecca Romijn-Stamos comment last night.
I suppose I have to give you a +2 because you have a perfect +2 rating up till now.
If you don't change your name from Brat Prince of Uber, you're getting straight -1s from here on out though.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-19 12:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh?
By "Huh?" I mean "Wha?"
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2004-04-19 12:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff.
Submitted by ugaly (user info) at 2004-04-19 12:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-19 11:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You lost me.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-19 10:50:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-04-19 10:19:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Segways are to fags as Harleys are to Hell's Angels
GO SOX WOO!!!!
Submitted by beefstick86 (user info) at 2004-04-19 10:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still don't understand how those things go up stairs...
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2004-04-19 10:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh heh fucking lazy bastards
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-04-19 09:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-04-19 09:08:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that's BWI. Am I right?
I sure as hell hope not, because if it is, I'm going to kill something. They should spend their money on not sucking and hiring people who actually do have brains.
Submitted by BlinkSparky (user info) at 2004-04-19 07:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i dont think we have segways in Australia....i'm glad
Submitted by facts (user info) at 2004-04-19 05:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit I'm gonna lean to my fridge one day
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-04-19 04:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A Jar named Versailles. Yes.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2004-04-19 03:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee hee..... very cool. I liked your story, it made perfect sense.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-04-19 03:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wait now I get it.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-04-19 03:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmm... makes you think.
Ok not really. My lip hurts though.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-04-19 03:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Gosh freakin darnit. That was supposed to be "Nasty," not "Tasty."
COMPUTER: Proofread, man, PROOFREAD!
Brain: Fuck off.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2004-04-19 03:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't understand a god damn thing about this post, yet I still liked it.
Here's what I think about terrorism...
Yeah I think I'm right too.