Circles (463 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <deisangua.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-19 13:16:27 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
[It often amazes me how the landscape of a life can change so drastically in just a single moment of time. Just last week, I was putting a good deal of effort into what I had hoped would be a Kicker of All Ass UberMadness post. Then everything changed. My concentration has almost completely focused on something else, and that leaves very little behind for my fragmented and abandoned contest entry.
To keep with the spirit of this contest, however, I will be telling you about a pair of circles. I would hate for my opponent to have worked hard just to find that I defaulted. But although I will keep with this contest to its end, I don't think I will be spending very much time on Ubersite otherwise. The following should tell you a bit about why.]
* * * * *
I remember once talking to a cop, just before he arrested me. During our conversation, he offered up a surprisingly astute bit of truth.
"Son," the officer said, "You have got yourself a seriously overdeveloped sense of vengeance."
"So?" was my reply. I am sure that I sounded more petulant than dismissive, and the cop was understandably unimpressed.
"I spoke to your pal just a few minutes ago about what you were saying he did. You realize that boy, all that you were talking about, that was over a year ago? You're telling me this all happened because of some shit fight you two got into back when he busted up your locker? Last goddamn year?"
I looked over at the charred remains of what had once been a front window. The tree next to it was blackened and twisted, but it still stood taller than anything else that was left on the property.
"He messed with me for no reason," I told the cop. "At least I have a reason."
That little anecdote is not the only one I could come up with, but I think it adequately illustrates the preoccupation I have had with vengeance. It has been a long time since I was that kid. Over time I learned to soothe my need to punish, saving it for only the worst problems, and trying to let karma do its work instead of creating my own karma. I worked diligently on that (and other parts of my personality) to achieve my goal of becoming a typical person instead of a malicious and sadistic outsider.
Recently, a person took something from me through the abuse of their power. I will not go into the details of what happened because this will be posted. But although they did not steal what I lost, they purposefully robbed me of it just the same. And it was something very, very personal to me.
Shortly thereafter I went to war with myself. It was a battle between who I have been in the past, and who I have been trying to become. It was, quite frankly, a debilitating conflict.
But ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. And here is where the circles come into play. One is broken, while the other has completed a revolution.
Regarding that first circle, I can say that things would be probably be different now if my friends had showed up later that night. They had gone with me - although I left first - and had a vague idea of what happened and how. They also knew, in brief, what I had lost and why it was important to me. I understand that they probably assumed I would take care of myself, but I did not get so much as a single phone call. That was a reminder that I am far removed from the days where hardened people watched my back as much as I watched theirs. More than anything, it was a forceful reminder that my current associates lack true caliber.
My core group of friends are nice, 'normal,' intelligent people. I know that part of my closeness to them has been my attraction to the very typicality that they represent to me. Though I have made mistakes, I have owned up to them and accepted the consequences. But in my mind I am always carefully watching their backs. They know my character and have come to me when they need shelter from emotional storms. In fact, two of them had come to me for advisement that very night. That they did not even think to do the same feels like nothing less than a betrayal.
So I let them know: 'do not call, do not email, do not show up on my doorstep. Keep your distance for now and perhaps in fairer weather we will be friends once more.' But I do not think it is very likely. People always tell me not to burn my bridges, but I still find myself taking them out with rocket launchers. Whatever may happen in the future, what is certain for now is that I have slammed the doors, and this once-close circle of friendship is broken. They are left with no tools for a repair.
As for the second circle, that is more of a cycle that has led to a personal understanding. Perhaps I am inherently flawed when it comes to matters of revenge, but I find that I cannot let it go. I keep remembering the many ways to do great harm to a person's world, so much that it is like a long movie in my head. What is even more unexpected is that many of these thoughts are actually evolving and mutating as they freshly interact with the things I have learned since. So many of them, for example, can be dynamically retooled to require nothing illegal at all, even while remaining potently effective.
And I choose patience when it comes to retaliation. No matter how long it takes or what intricate tactical precautions I have to utilize for my own well being, there is a person out there who is going to pay dearly for their arrogance. Unfortunately, they are going to pay for your arrogance too, and everyone else's, like Jesus on the cross being tormented for the sins of the world. Because I remember it all. Every sting that I accept and brush aside nevertheless leaves a lasting scar. The person who has opened these floodgates will get far more than they justly deserve. For them, it will be slow, lengthy, and excruciatingly painful. I don't know when I will feel like stopping, but I do know it won't be for a long time. Because what they did, they did for no other reason than that they could.
The very least I should do is return the favor. Because I, too, can.
This is the revolution, the circle turning back to its beginning. It has occurred to me that I have been deceiving myself, and I truly hate self-deception. I knew that I probably pulled a veil over my eyes in some ways, but I did not expect anything of this magnitude. I thought I could be just some average guy by playing the part. I thought I could become an upstanding citizen, a guardian of principle, perhaps even provide a positive example for others to follow.
Yes. For a while there, I actually thought I could be one of the good guys.
I won't make that mistake again.
User Reviews
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-24 11:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All of these madness entries are great, and they shouldn't be
pulling down users' ratings just because they've been ignored and haven't
been rated, so I'm making this my mission.