Dummies, Fences, and Knees (378 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -1 on 3 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by shaddap youasshole <woplover.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-04-20 11:33:27 EDT
I have been trying to find myself professionally for years. I have tried something in most fields because my degrees are in weird things that no one really uses or cares about. Well, anyway, I once tried the to get in with a city police department, and I had to try out by taking a test and by running a physical agilities course. The test was not that difficult, but man, that physical agilities course was going to kill me. Dragging 150-lb dummies was definitely not something I did every day, and I had never jumped a fence before, much less the 6-foot one on that course.
So I had this brilliant idea. I said to my husband, "Let's go out this evening so I can practice the course while no one is around." Little did I know what a dumb ass idea that was. Being the great husband that he is, he agreed to go to watch and help me.
We drove out there, and he kept telling me, "You can do this! Really, it's not as difficult as you think it is." But I had not trained at all up to this point. I still have no idea what I was thinking. There really was no way in hell that I was equipped to handle doing this course, much less be a cop.
We arrived at the testing site, and the door was wide open. My husband and I both entered. For the next hour or so, he helped me learn to jump through windows and drag dead weight. Then came the fence, the god-awful end of my right knee. Son-of-a-bitching thing.
Husband: "You have to get you upper body over the top. That gives you more leverage."
Me: "Ok, I'll give it a try." After several tries of just running and stopping in front of the fence, laughing at myself, and cursing, I finally decided to stop being afraid of the stupid thing. I started about 50 feet back and ran. I jumped up, my right foot hitting the middle of the chain-link fence. I placed my left one up slightly higher and pushed my arms tightly, like a kid at the jungle gym playing on the bars. I had finally done it! I pulled my legs up underneath me, and then I sat on top of the fence, with my legs dangling over the other side.
Me: "How the fuck do I get down from here?" I yelled at my husband.
Husband: "Just lower yourself down carefully. Put one foot down the middle of the fence. Or you could just jump down." I chose to lower myself down.
Me: "Let me try this one more time. I have to make sure I can do it again." Famous last words. Why, why, why do I do this? My husband just shook his head.
I ran toward the fence as I did last time and heaved myself up in the same manner. Then I had this great idea—why not just jump down and land with my momentum forward so that I can run (or roll) toward the next obstacle? Ugh. So I jumped. As I landed, my left leg bent, but my right remained straight. It bent backward and to the left with a huge, resounding snap. Things went black for a moment as I collapsed on my ass. The next thing I knew, my husband was next to me.
Husband: "Are you ok?" He had laughed until he had heard that snap.
Me: "God, it hurts! I think I broke it! We need to go to the ER!" I tried to sound somewhat calm, but I failed miserably. Tears were coming now out of fear. Dammit, I needed a job soon, and I just blew it, literally.
My husband carried me to his car, and we went to the ER derived from hell. I waited for 5 hours to be seen, since it was the only hospital in the area. All they did was give me pills and make sure it wasn't broken, while the lady next to me screamed at her husband to "Shut the fuck up" because her son got hit by lightning. Jesus, why did the bolt miss her? Anyway, nothing was broken. But I had torn my ACL, and I've had 2 surgeries since then to repair it.
Moral of the story: Six-foot chain link fences are evil, and I am afraid of them.
User Reviews
Submitted by Captain_MotherFucking_Foamy (user info) at 2004-04-22 07:23:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This post makes me shit.
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-04-21 15:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I fart in your general direction.
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2004-04-20 15:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
***We arrived at the testing site, and the door was wide open. My husband and I both entered. For the next hour or so, he helped me drag dead weight. Then came, the god-awful end of son-of-a-bitching thing.
Husband: "You have to get you upper body over the top. That gives you more leverage."***
When you selectively read like I do this part looks extremely sexual.
Police exam indeed.