Writer's Block (2282 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Miscellaneous
Rating: 1.95 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2004-04-20 13:23:26 EDT
I don't post very often. Usually I put a bit up when something interesting or unusual happens to me, or when I see something funny and it inspires me to come up with a story. Lately I've been running low on juice. I've done a few military themed posts, a couple of college posts, a couple of job posts, and some fiction pieces. But I'm not a particularly imaginative fellow, and I just haven't felt inspired lately. So I decided to make my own inspiration. And what better way to do that than by fucking with total strangers and see how they react to it?
I went into the BeansTalk the other day to get my daily dose of Java Blend, and the clerk at the register was looking a bit frazzled by all the early morning traffic. Oh hell yes. Target acquired.
When I finally worked my way up to the head of the line, the girl said, "What can I get for you this morning?"
I stared at the menu on the wall blankly for a few seconds before I said, "Menke moo anna wonkot heenahausen."
Dead silence. A frown. "Excuse me?"
A bit slower, I repeated, "A menke moo anna wonkot heenahausen. To go, please."
"Sir, I don't understand what you're saying. Did you say you wanted a venti mocha? This isn't Starbucks, we have small, medium, and large."
I started to make my eyes tear up. "NO!! I wanta wok meebernoun. Oh my God, do you milk feeny as a gronfun?"
"What? You want milk in it? Sir, you're talking gibberish. Please speak slowly." The girl looked positively flummoxed.
Slowly, I spoke, as if to a retarded child, "I. Want. A. Men. Kee. Moo. Anna. Wan. Cot. Heena. Hausen. To. Go."
Apparently, there was a physician in line behind me. "He sounds like he has a form of Tourette's Syndrome. That's pretty bizarre."
The woman behing him had an alternate theory. "I think he's fucking retarded," she opined.
I started to fake cry. "Stop making fun of me! I just asked for a small pala sin ben fotenhauer with milk! What's so hard to understand about that?"
The clerk had no option at that point but to call the manager over to assist with me, the belligerent customer. "What seems to be the issue here?" he queried with the appropriate combination of authority and courtesy.
My lower lip quivering, I cried, "I just want my small coffee with milk! What's wrong with you people?"
A round of "Ahhhh, so THAT'S what he wanted," went through the crowd behind me. The clerk started to get a little angry with me while the manager hurriedly filled up a to-go cup with my go juice.
"Why were you talking like that a minute ago? Were you making fun of me?"
The manager quickly put the lid on the cup and slid it over the counter to me, muttering, "Jesus, Natalie, just let it go. There's something wrong with that guy."
I screamed at the top of my lungs to the whole store, "HOLY ASSFUCKING CHRIST, I JUST WANT MY FUCKING COFFEE!!!!!"
I stomped toward the door before anyone realized that I hadn't paid for the coffee, yelling to myself the whole time.
"Meeya! I just wanted the Crankenflak for arlis in my Pickner! Jesus!"
And of course, while trying to exit, I walked face first into a door that clearly read "PULL" and my coffee exploded all over my dumb ass. I screamed at the scalding my body was taking, yanked open the door, and fled down the street.
But I think I found a cure for my writer's block.
User Reviews
Submitted by Kaelic (user info) at 2006-08-10 01:37:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, I would cry. Fucking hilarious.
Submitted by fluffy_love (user info) at 2006-08-10 01:22:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by KindaLikeJesus (user info) at 2006-08-01 20:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When i don't understand what people want at a coffee shop I give them a small regular coffee and hope that was what they wanted...
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2005-08-09 12:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"HOLY ASSFUCKING CHRIST, I JUST WANT MY FUCKING COFFEE!!!!!"
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-04-10 20:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff. I love fucking with people too hehehehe.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-10 20:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
get back on the MRR!
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-04-10 18:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't feel like reading this.
Submitted by TragicKingdom (user info) at 2005-04-10 18:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2005-04-10 18:06:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll never understand why this is not a perfect +2.
And there should be more reviews!!!
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-04-10 18:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most awesome.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-04-10 17:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2005-04-09 20:51:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I got my -2 gun out for nothing, when I expected you to have an empty post in an attempt to be witty!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-04-09 20:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BLAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA
Submitted by rdn4 (user info) at 2005-04-09 19:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ehehehahahahehehahaha
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2004-10-07 13:18:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2004-07-29 17:09:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eaack blabdy bloob lot curf.
What, Murphy?
This is funny.
Submitted by Mac (user info) at 2004-07-29 16:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fliggin rakkin vee luttu kah!
gibberish is sweet!
Submitted by etet72 (user info) at 2004-05-05 00:38:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome. :)
I also find the fact that there are only two non +2 ratings, one of them being Jimbo's own comment. Therefore, this is a good post.
Jimbo, I like your posts.
Submitted by ninjatut (user info) at 2004-04-22 20:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
decent
Submitted by jcricket (user info) at 2004-04-22 16:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha. that's good ish. nothing wrong with a little uberization.
Submitted by quack (user info) at 2004-04-22 13:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Drmunkyhead <Rabidwhale.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-04-21 20:13:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha yes... messing with random people is almost an art.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2004-04-21 14:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha a +1 and I SHALL BE
remorse now. Im just not cut out for evil plotting
fine +2
Submitted by okiwilltellyou (user info) at 2004-04-21 07:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
too funny!!!
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-04-20 22:21:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by distressedjester (user info) at 2004-04-20 21:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by CunningVision (user info) at 2004-04-20 16:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah!
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2004-04-20 16:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always go into McDonald's and speak French loudly and obnoxiously. Then I ask (in French) for a filet mignon. When they stare at me blankly or say "sorry we dont have that" or whatever their negative reactions may be, I go... as if speaking to a retarded child.... "fee. lay. min. yon."
-Hadley
exxxccccellent.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-04-20 15:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwahahahahahahaha!
Submitted by Goldeneyes (user info) at 2004-04-20 15:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd love to try something like this...but I'd be afraid I'd lose it half-way through.
Real or fake, it's funny as hell. :-)
Submitted by Jays567 (user info) at 2004-04-20 15:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Domochevsky (user info) at 2004-04-20 15:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've worked in places where these kind of situations can come up. I usually responded by closing my register and the standard "<Insert Manager Name>, I'm going on a break." Worked every time, but I don't know how the hell I would have handled this one...
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-04-20 15:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Slowly, I spoke, as if to a retarded child, "I. Want. A. Men. Kee. Moo. Anna. Wan. Cot. Heena. Hausen. To. Go."
Apparently, there was a physician in line behind me. "He sounds like he has a form of Tourette's Syndrome. That's pretty bizarre."
Great stuff. As they say, karma's a bitch huh? What goes around comes around.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2004-04-20 15:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
random is good
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-04-20 14:23:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Has anyone else picked up on the fact that this was jimbo's UberMadness title?
+2
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-04-20 14:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-04-20 14:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to call you the caffine bandit.
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-04-20 13:48:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It may be Überized just a tad.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-20 13:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is this true ? or exagarated ?
Submitted by Heimdallsman (user info) at 2004-04-20 13:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, funny stuff.
--HeimdallsMan
Submitted by Dazd1 (user info) at 2004-04-20 13:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA Thats priceless. I would have loved to see that in person!
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2004-04-20 13:35:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think all your posts should end with a picture from that "indian burial ground..." posts.
Those were fucking awesome.
Submitted by bleah. at 2004-04-20 13:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ecks. Fucking. Dee.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-04-20 13:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahaha!
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2004-04-20 13:28:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i had to hold my mouth, for fear that a burst of laughing would cause the whole computer lab to turn and look at me.
by the way, for writers block, there seems to be a lot of writing here. hehe
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2004-04-20 13:28:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jimbo, we really must hang out. With your 20 bucks, we can go get a few beers.