To Those Responsible... (3725 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 0.43 on 101 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bart Cilfone <uberuser.at.cilfone.com> (View user info) at 2001-09-17 12:39:40 EDT
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
OMG! WE WERE LIED TOO! IT'S ALL BUSH FAULT! I WAS NEVER PRO-WAR!
Submitted by GMCrayon (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHA
Submitted by jeveuxgagner (user info) at 2006-01-26 03:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-01-21 23:16:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57344
Beer?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-14 07:47:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
end...the end
"Great job, Dwarf." Bart said. "There goes our bargaining chip."
The dwarf crawled under the table and shot a "fuck you" glance at Bart. Bart sneered and pointed his gun at the dwarf. He aimed as best he could, but the shaking made it fruitless. Defeated, he tucked it back into his slacks and flipped off the dwarf.
"Allah has surely blessed you, you reprobate!" The dwarf chuckled at himself and started crawling with the table as his cover. Abdul noticed this and joined the dwarf under the table. Together they made their way to the stairway.
"Where the fuck are you going!" Bart bellowed. "You traitors to Allah!"
The pair didn't even turn around. They just continued to drag their table until they made it to the first of the steps. Then Abdul picked up the dwarf and they escaped to safety.
Bart sat down and held a magazine over his head. He shook like a ragdoll and stared off at nothing.
He shook his head. "and I could have gotten away with it to, if it weren't for those crazy poofs."
With one last thrust, a corner pillar cracked and gave way. All at one the weight pulled the entire north-west side of building down, heaving it around the piston in an array of mortar, bricks, and Bart parts. Ace and Gary were well clear before the mass came down and had flown back to RamRod.
"Thank you, Ace and Gary," Rice said her right flanked by Abdul and the dwarf; both in hand cuffs. "Another job well done"
"Pishaw," Ace said. "Just another day of fighting the bad guy and surviving a hard pounding."
Rice scratched her head.
"What?" Gary asked.
"Nothing," Rice replied.
"Well then, Ace. I guess we're done here. Let's go!"
With a squeal, RamRod charged and bolted to midtown. By the time it was out of site the city was safe again for infidel transport.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-14 07:46:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
end part 4
Bart pointed his finger. "I told you that we won't..."
Just then, the warehouse began to shake.
"It's Condoleezza time, mother fuckers!" A voice called from outside the building.
Bart, the dwarf, and Abdul ran to the window. Abdul couldn't see and had to change from the right side, to the left. The dwarf couldn't see and had to climb up Abdul's leg. Bart could see it all.
Outside, Gary was standing next to Condoleezza Rice who was wearing a army helmet and holding a megaphone. Gary was jumping up and down clapping with each jump.
"You hear me!" Rice said, "I'm serving up a hot pile of me with a side of up yours!"
Bart took the gun and shot it into the air. "You won't do anything!" We are in a fortified position and we have a hostage!"
"Woop-dee-freakin'-do!" Rice said. "We got this!" Rice uncovered a massive piston, powered by hydraulic pumps at either side. "This shit is gonna fuck you up!"
With those words, Rice pushed a button on her remote control and the great machine began driving into the foundation of the warehouse. Each thrust sent the occupants flying, with bits of plaster cascading around their feet.
The dwarf was waving his arms trying to grab onto something for support. "What...the...fuck!"
Ace was laying flat on the ground now, his eyes were shut and he had a big grin. The dwarf looked down at him and growled. "Give me the Fucking gun. In the name of Allah, please give me fucking gun."
Bart was tossed into a corner and couldn't hear the dwarf's plea. Like the dwarf he was frantically trying to find his footing, but was failing miserably. Suddenly he grabbed onto a hole in the wall
Abdul screamed. "Ahhhhhh, let got of my fucking socket!" Abdul grabbed Bart's hand and threw it back in his face. He was sitting with his back against the wall, and his hand now over his bloody eye. "Bart we must give up!"
"No!" Bart tripped over Abdul and scraped his arm over some fallen plaster.
Back outside Rice had arranged for some speakers infront of the building. She arranged for "Battle hymn of the Republic." When she turned it on, they played "It's raining men!"
Gary Jumped even higher. "Yes!" he then ran and did to forward flips onto the piston.
"It's raining men, hallelujah, it's raaaaining men...wooooo, wooooo!" Gary was slapping the side of the piston and bucking like mad. He clicked the sides with his heals as if he had spurs. Rice's expression became increasingly puzzled.
"Oh you got to be kidding me!" the dwarf cried out. He was crawling on the floor; his hands up to protect him from the debris. He picked his head up and saw Ace was now on his feet dancing.
"That's it!" The dwarf stood up and headbutted Ace in the rear. Ace was thrown against the sill of the window, where he leaned over and caught a glimpse of the action.
Turning back around he looked the dwarf in the eye. "Toodles!" Ace leaned backwards out the window and flew toward the ground, eventually landing in Gary's open arms.
"Ace!"
"Gary!"
The pair hugged, "I told you," Gary said. "We're tops!"
Ace swung around on the piston and edged back into Gary. "Let's ride this 'til the sucker wears out."
Rice looked away, casting her eye on the helicopter that brought her there. She sighed and called the speaker operator. "Change this fucking song—now
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-14 07:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
end part 3
Mohammed and Kristen reached the street in record time. Kristen had her arms draped around Mohammed's neck and her head was resting on his shoulder. She was unconscious.
"Miss, miss...wake up, miss."
Kristen's head pivoted to the other side. Her grip remained loose, and lifeless.
"Please, miss. Wake up....Please..."
Kristen opened her eyes and looked through two, tiny slits. Her arms tightened some.
"Praise, Allah...Are you O.K?"
Kristen closed her eyes again, but her grip remained. "I'm tired," she said sleepily.
Mohammed smiled. "It is all right. You have lost some blood and walking has taken your energy. But you are going to be fine."
Mohammed carried her across the street, past an oddly shaped car and to his taxi. He laid her in the back seat as carefully as he could. He was scard he would hit her head on the roof, but avoided it by resting her legs on the edge of the seat and lowering her back on to the worn vinyl. It worked as planned, but he had to help her release his neck. She didn't want to let go. After some prodding, she pulled away and put her hands together and under her cheek.
Before he closed the door, he quickly thought of the blanket in his trunk. He fetched it, pushed her legs the rest of the way in, and laid it over her—careful not to disturb her.
After closing the door, Mohammed took a moment to compose himself. He took a rag out of his pocket and dried his forehead. For a moment he thought their might be blood on it But it was clean. Looking at the street, he saw some of the glass from the broken window and instinctively raised his head. At that time a man came tumbling out of it. Mohammed backed against his taxi and watched the body come toppling down.
"Jesus," he said.
The body hit off the side of a dumpster on the way down. As Mohammed walked towards it, he noticed he was blonde and he wore a "G" on his chest. He appeared dead.
"Ouchy," the corpse said.
Mohammed was incredulous. "You, you live!" He stammered. "Who are you?"
"I'm Gary." Gary rubbed his head and patted a bullet wound on his shoulder.
"What are you doing here...why are ..."
"Pfft, I don't have time to chat." To Mohammed he seemed amazingly well for his fall. Gary stood up and raised his arms over his head, straightening his back muscles. "eeuuuhhhh"
Mohammed couldn't help buy asking. "Are you sure you are OK?"
"I'm super!" Gary raced to RamRod and mounted the front seat.
Mohammed almost forgot about the girl while watching this strange man. Gary had appeared to seize a phallus when he entered the car and was talking into it, peppering his points with wild gesticulations. Mohammed heard him yell. "I need it, and I need the darn thing now!"
Remembering the girl, Mohammed backtracked to the taxi, jumped in, and turned the engine over. Putting it into drive, Mohammed looked over his shoulder and caught a glimpse of Kristen . She was scratching her arm absently, still quite asleep. Mohammed turned back around and leaned on the gas. He took a left at the end of the street. He would be at the hospital in ten minutes.
Bart paced back and forth. Ace's eyes followed him. He remained on his knees waiting for Bart's decision.
"You know," Ace said, "you could do whatever... rape me; torture me; rape me...whatever.
The dwarf got a chill again. This time it could have come from the bag of ice he was sitting on. Still, it probably didn't.
"I say we just kill him," the dwarf mused after adjusting his seat. "Just kill the infidel."
Abdul laughed. "No shit, did you see what he did to my fucking eye?" Abdul pulled a makeshift bandage away and pointed at his bear, oozing eye socket."
The dwarf furrowed his brow. "Why is it oozing? Is it infected already."
Abdul put the bandage back on and crooked his head toward the dwarf. He stared at him a moment until the dwarf understood. Then the dwarf looked away.
'Enough," Bart said. "We can worry about these things later, right now we must find out what this wretch knows."
Ace popped in "go ahead and rape me; I dare ya!"
The dwarf ripped and ice cube out of the bag and threw it at Ace, hitting him in the forehead. "Shut up, dog"
Ace grinned. "woof"
"Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Please let me kill him!" The dwarf hopped up and grabbed the gun off the edge of the table.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-14 07:44:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
end part 2
Ace and Gary waited almost a minute for a response, but got none. The pair had barely moved since their intrusion disturbed them.
Now in unison they asked: "what are you looking at?"
A chill ran through the Dwarf's body. "Could you please get off him?" he said finally.
"We won't answer to you, will we Ace?" Gary patted Ace on the head.
"No we won't"
Abdul broke in. "That's fine, but you have no business here. You will surely pay!"
Abdul grabbed a scimitar from off of his back and ran at the pair. The Dwarf, waiting for no one, started kicking Ace in the calf and mouthing obscenities in Arabic.
With a hearty "eeehhh" Gary rolled backwards over Ace and then sprang feet first into the dwarf, kicking him through the air and into Abdul's stomach. The impact knocked the pair on, and over the table. Abdul momentarily lay stunned, his arms grasping his middle in an attempt to some how suck the air back into his body. The dwarf suffered a gash on his head, but otherwise was fine. He grabbed a phonebook that had tumbled to the floor, jumped over Abdul's sprayed body and ran back at the duo.
Gary grabbed Ace by the forearms and gave him a wink. Ace returned it with a smile and then Gary lifted Ace off the ground and spun him into the dwarf. Once again the dwarf went flying. This time he made it all the way to a pillar 20 feet away, where he made a "oomph" sound and flopped onto the floor. He was motionless.
While this played on, a figure appeared in front of the corner office. The figure looked in the distance at the chaotic melee, less interested in the outcome than the distraction it afforded.
In tow he had another—a person who slouched freely, with one of her arms draped around the figure's back for support. Each step she took was labored, her legs almost collapsing from her own body weight.
After ten paces the figure picked up the injured person and hastened his pace towards the north end stairway. He reached it, adjusted his grip on his passenger, and speed down the steps. In a moment, they were gone.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-14 07:43:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hey rad, i'm adding my ending just so people won't have to skim if they want to get to it. I Guess i'll post the complete thing tomorrow...though, honestly, it is such a long mother, i don't think anyone will want to read 1 of them...let alone two. haha.
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end part 1
"Why are you doing this?"
Mohammed didn't answer. He continued to clean the blood off Kristen's legs, rinsing the cloth in a wooden bowl at the foot of the cot.
"So this is just some fucking terrorist thing, huh; some fucking way to get back at the sinners. I didn't do anything to you." She tucked her legs against her body. .
Mohammed stopped and sighed. "Miss, I never meant any harm. I, I just don't know what I could do."
"Fuck you." Kristen kicked the bowl off the cot. It crashed by the door. The used water stained the floorboards a weak shade of red.
"There are three men who would do me harm if I were to help."
Kristen turned weakly onto her back. She wiped her nose with her wrist and ran her hand over her neck. "Was he telling the truth?" She asked.
Mohammed closed his eyes, then opened them. "What are you...."
"Will I live?"
"...No" Mohammed tossed the towel toward the overturned bowl; it landed in a small puddle.
"Then leave me alone." Kristen rolled back over and covered her head with a pillow.
Mohammed got up off the chair and walked to the bowl. He bent slowly with his left hand on his left thigh, bracing his weight as he grabbed the bowl and the towel. Having done so, he waved his arm over his pant leg, straightened back up, and spread the remaining liquid with his foot.
As Mohammed finished he heard the muffled sound of glass braking and a scream. He turned toward Kristen to see her reaction, but she had missed it. Apparently, her pillow...and her crying...had drowned out the noise.
"Miss," he whispered. "Miss!"
"Leave."
Mohammed shook his head and took a breathe. "Stand up."
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-14 02:17:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i love that this story is like the hidden prize in an old box of cracker jacks.
Submitted by Jambo (user info) at 2004-12-13 23:23:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2004-12-13 23:12:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
balls
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-12-13 16:48:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
B@W
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-13 06:01:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2004-12-13 05:54:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Those responsible, you mean the america of the 1980's who fucked countries up so badly, that fundamentalist muslim movements became so popular, that for a time it seemed they could be a real alternative to the western liberal world ideology?
But now you're trying to fix it by becoming a fundamentalist Christian country, to try and like, balance it out.
That'l work.
God, jebus, the holey goat, muhammad, alah, buddah, Stephen fry, zeus, thor, hell even space aliens, any almightly power listening please cause america to sink into the sea, cos it's pissin me off.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-13 05:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:53:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:45:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
What the hell? Who dragged this back out?
============================================
Method. who else?
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Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-08 04:51:12 (#)
Ranking: -2
haha dork
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Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-12-08 04:47:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn right, bastards.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2004-12-13 05:21:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"...then go to work 5 hours later in 3 inches of snow."
JG, are you whining about 3 inches of snow? pfffft, I can't wait to see you later this month and literally rub your face in it.
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-12-12 22:16:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woooo
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-12 22:16:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
har har
you're welcome john boy.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-12-12 22:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:57:48 (#)
Ranking: 1
dont let the days go by....glycerine....glycerine...
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Oh man...I just had 8 flashbacks from high school.
So..."Thank you" 7 times, and "Fuck you!" for the day I learned that I could vomit and hit someone with it from 6 feet away, then go to work 5 hours later in 3 inches of snow. On second thought...Thank You 8 times.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:57:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
dont let the days go by....glycerine....glycerine...
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:45:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
What the hell? Who dragged this back out?
============================================
Method. who else?
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:46:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that I think of it, so is Bart. I guess that works out well. :oP
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:46:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You people are weird.
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-12-12 21:45:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What the hell? Who dragged this back out?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-12 18:59:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
lol, again...i was doing it for the story. if you guys are done i'll finish it
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-12 17:35:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
holy shit! we did it!
woo woo woo!!! 3 year old shit post on most heated!!
okay, we can stop the story now, my goal has been reached.
boo ya mother fuckers.
Submitted by Shiznat (user info) at 2004-12-12 14:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Great work Mr. Clifon.
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-12 14:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
But heat ratings do go down over time...so must be age of reviews that matters, rather than time when post submitted. Makes sense.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-12-12 14:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
those = iraq, afghanistan, iran, france...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-12 06:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I don't think they want the girl", the dwarf replied, pointing at Abdul's missing eye.
Bart nodded his head and looked longingly at Ace. Baywatch music played in the background as he walked towards Ace in slow motion, his hair blowing softly in the breeze coming from the open window. he knelt down beside ace and spoke, "where is your friend. if you tell us, i won't send you to our prison in Ali Grhaibi. do you know what they do to you there? ass rapings. all day and all night!"
Ace looked up at Bart, his vacant eyes suddenly lit up like matchsticks. he leaned in close, his nose almost touching bart's, "i'll never tell you. you may as well lock me up and throw away the key."
just then, the warehouse began to shake.
"It's Condoleeza time, mother fuckers!" a voice called from outside the building...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-12 06:28:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart the mini-dachsie heard glass crash from the warehouse, and ran towards the door. Opening it he saw Abdul laying in a pool of crimson on the concrete floor, one lifeless eye staring at nothing, the other was a black pool of muck.
"Bart, help me tie this fucker up!"
The Dwarf was standing on the back of an oddly dressed man, golden hair matted with blood and dirt. He was visibly breathing in short gasps. Bart grabbed a zip-tie from a nearby shelf and applied to the man's wrists.
"What happened?"
"Me and Abdul here wuz talkin about the situation when all of a sudden these two mo's in spandex come flyin in the freakin window. This one here takes his dick out and sticks it in Abdul's eye. I busted a cap in the other one, then pushed him out the window. Then I capped this one."
"How the fuck did these guys know we were here. And why do they want the girl so much?"
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-12 04:39:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Inside the warehouse, Abdul and the dwarf had sat down to a cup of coffee. They were facing each other across an old beaten table, one of the legs supported by a phone book....the dwarf supported by three.
"You know, abdul," the dwarf began, "it is very difficult to get street cred."
Abdul nodded. "I do, indeed."
"I mean, there is only so much I can do as a faithful servant of Allah. People think that because I am diminutive, I am not fierce."
"But you are fierce!" Abdul shouted. "You must have killed 50 infidels by yourself, and you even bombed a Taco Bell in Cleveland.
"I lied about many of those. I've only killed three and 2 were from bite infections."
"Well, still," Abdul looked at his coffee, "that is admirable. Do you know that my friend Mohammed has not killed any infidels."
"Get out!" the dwarf stood on the phone books and almost teetered off the edge. "I knew I did not like that disgrace."
"It really isn't his fault...he has become Americanized. He bought a Tivo"
The dwarf shook his head and hopped down. "I don't care about such things. I only care about Allah and murder."
"As you should," Abdul said. His gaze now turning to the window. "Dwarf?"
"Yes"
"A man's genitals are heaving into the window."
The dwarf scurried around the table and shot towards the window. He was stopped however by mashing testies that left round frosty rememberances on the cool glass with each new thrust.
"Abdul...why don't you handle this..."
Before he could finish Gary burst through the window, pulling Ace with him in a circus tumble which left Gary's thighs stradling Ace's face.
Gary turned to the awestruck pair. "What are you looking at?"
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-12 03:06:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/54060
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-12 02:55:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
add
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-12 02:55:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
to
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-12 02:54:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
the
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-12 02:54:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
story
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-12 02:30:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ace and Gary (Method and Hidden) jumped into Ramrod. They both looked at each other and at the same time shouted, "Bust now!" and with that, Ramrod jumped into a roarous spurt of speed down the road.
"Look, the tracking device! it's cumming from that warehouse over there!" Ace looked at Gary and pointed to the old warehouse across the street.
"looks like they could use some new window dressings," Gary prodded. They hopped out of the car and began to walk towards the warehouse. On the way they stopped at Banna Republic, Pottery Barn, and Bart's.
"We need to see what's in that warehouse somehow!" Ace pointed at the window five feet above his head. "Why don't i lower you down from the fire escape.
So, with Gary's back to him, he slowly lowered the ambiguous super-hero down, his buttocks resting at Ace's hips.
A sly smile crept across Method's face...
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-11 17:26:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha, i could care less, i'm just into the story
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-11 17:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wrong, Zak.
Age of post does not matter.
If I were to post something and then cover it up to be dug up five years later, it could go to most heated the same way that any other post could.
There've been several really old posts to go to Most Heated.
There's a Drink_DDT post about Titinita that we dug up once, and there was the "Razor sucks" post by Murphy that made it to Most Heated- just to name a few.
Same heat rules apply.
One review by non-author = one heat point (that is of course, assuming that Bart hasn't taken your name out of the Most Heated calculations).
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-11 17:17:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-11 17:16:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Believe heat ratings are inversely proportional to age.
So a 3-year old post is never going to make most heated. Great idea though.
Submitted by DrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-11 17:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck that patriotic shit.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2004-12-11 16:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you guys are fucking awesome
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-11 16:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Hmm, seems like there has been a battle going on here, Ace."
"Yes," Ace replied--His eye transifixed by the scene. "It looks like it was hard...and rough"
"Don't worry, dear friend. We'll see our share of action" With that Gary gave Ace a hard rap on the buttocks and grabbed his hand as they skipped through the carnage.
...
"Gary?" Ace said after a long while. "Do you ever...think about stuff."
"whatever do you mean?" Gary tightened hid grip on Ace's hand.
"I don't know. Just stuff"
Gary spun Ace around and held his other hand. "Well, aren't you my cryptic commrade. Sure, I think of our dog, and the house--I'm sure we need some new window treatments..."
"No, no." Ace pulled away. "Do you ever wonder what could happen if we get too deep in our work. What if we can't...pull out."
Gary laughed. "Such nonsense. Don't be a silly nilly. We have the firmest grip on this city's criminal element an we'll never get suckered."
Ace looked down. Gary raised his chin with his fingertip. "Relax, dear one. Think about our mission. Let's get in RamRod and follow the trail before it loses it's musk"
"All right, Gary" Ace said, his face brightening. "Let's find who's been blowing everything"
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-11 12:52:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Gary, grab on!"
"Oh Ace!" *bites*
The pair of street punks, now looking very ambiguously gay, flew toward the sound of the explosion.
Upon arriving, they only saw a blown up roflcopter, and a pair of lollerskates by a taxi. There ws a blood trail leading from the cab to a nearby 7-11...
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-11 12:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-11 12:32:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
AYE AYE CAPTAIN!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-11 12:31:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you ready kids?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-11 11:56:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shenequa passed the two boys by and gave them a flirting glance. Method smiled, as did his rather small apendage. It wouldn't matter, she couldn't feel a bat between her legs, much less a toothpick.
Hidden laughed at the prospect of method actually getting a date, and decided to go inside and rub one out to kiddie porn. he was into that sort of thing.
suddenly, a few blocks down the road they heard a thunderous crash, as though a SAM had collided with a pot bellied helicopter. They looked at each other and smiled. They tore their close offs to reveal two spandex uniforms, underwear on the outside, revealing emblems on the front...
A and G....
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-12-11 06:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Method... It clearly seems you have fallen to the dark side...
Uncle Sam is coming to get you...
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-12-11 06:26:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I salute and approve of this message.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-11 06:00:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Chapter 2.
Method and Hidden were your average street punks, real wise guys. They had known each other for about a year, met here in the neighborhood. Hell's Kitchen.
Method was the enforcer of the two. Hidden, the loudmouth who always "got the job done" on a broad.
Tonight they were hanging out on the corner of Amsterdam and 157th street, in Harlem. They were discussing whether or not to pick up one of the underage hookers who frequented this area.
"Ey man, its fucked up that all ou wanna ,do is do the job on some 16 year old pross."
"Method, chinga tu madre. R/e 16 year olds: what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?"
"Yeah mang, I see your point."
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-11 05:28:02 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
WTH MAN IF TH3Y R COMIN AT U MEANS TH3Y WANT SOMTHIN MORE BT3R U LOK AFT3R TH3M AND R FOR THEM THAN THEY GAT ON DA STRET UH?!!!???? LOL
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-11 05:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-11 05:15:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-11 05:07:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mohammed eased out of his chair, unsure of Bart's new approach. He kept his eyes on his long friend, easing the ropes off the woman, her hair soaked with sweat and hanging limply over her face.
"Mohammed" bart said. "How long have you know me?
"Years...Bart." He dare not look at him.
"Then why would you think that I'd let this young lady die?"
Mohammed picked Kristen up, blood still dripping from her arm. "I....I knew that you would follow allah." He placed her on the cot. She curled into a ball and turned towards the wall.
"Of course, my friend. And allah has plans for this woman yet. Be cheerful, this will end well."
Bart got out of the chair and headed towards the door. "Help clean her up," he said, " get her some food, too"
Mohammed nodded.
Bart turned toward the cot. "Doesn't that sound nice young lady? you will be made healthy and well."
Kristen didn't respond; She remained in a ball. Bart smiled and left.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-11 04:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"No, my friend. If I am to continue living in this country without fear of reprisals, this woman must not be harmed. I am not afraid to die for the cause, but the cause would surely die a little with my death. I am the in deeper than any of the others. For me to stop now would harm us, to an unknown end. This woman must be let go."
"You dare question me in front of an infidel? A woman at that? I should kill you where you stand."
"Abdul", Bart stated, "Go into the bar and make us some coffee. Take the dwarf with you. This is no longer your concern. Mohammed, you sit behind the girl. We have some business to take care of."
Abdul and the dwarf left through a side door, agitation clearly on both their faces.
"Now that that is done, untie her hands and lay her on that cot. She looks like death. Allahu Ackbar."
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-10 17:17:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Stop," kristen pleaded, "I really hate batteries!"
Abdul's twusted grin widened as he connected the circuit a few inches from her face, the arc strobed the room showing the dwarf hopping, bart dancing, and mohammed in the corner praying to allah.
"You son of a bitch," she cried.
abdul drew back. "ah, but you are mistaken my crimson flower. it is you with animal progeny!" he lowered the teeth and brought his fist a few inches from her face. "now will you answer my questions or will i have to get...messy!"
Kristen recoiled. "fine, whatever."
"ok," abdul collected himself. "what stings like a bitch and smells like sulfur?"
"i thought that was rhetorical?
"you certainly are an infidel, you dog. rhetoric is for winos and your american politicians. i am a messenger of allah; i always speak directly."
Kristen rolled her eyes and tried to make a jerkoff gesture behind her back.
"by allah, i saw that!" Abdul sneered, "now you will die!"
Abdul raised his hand to slap Kristen, but mohammed grabbed it (he would have done it sooner, but he had to finish his prayer)....
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 15:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha, i have no idea
but it was pretty funny
Submitted by Smurfs (user info) at 2004-12-10 13:48:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
y?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 13:25:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll be honest. I freakin stuck on this. How did we go from pregnant broad in a middle-easterner's taxi to car battery torture? What will happen next?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 10:53:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
as they approached her, she raised her head and looked at them.
"Maine, we will not harm you if you can solve three riddles", bart spoke softly. he'd never seen a creature like this before.
"my name is not maine. it's kristen, and where have you taken me? what have you done?" she spke quickly, her eyes darted around the room.
"all in good time, all in good time", abdul spoke as he tapped the two alligator teeth together, their long chords hooked up to the car battery not more than five feet from them. "First, what stings like a bitch and smells like sulfur?"
mohammed winced as abdul edged in...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 05:42:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Mohammed get up, my friend. We have work to do on this girl."
"Carlos? How did you..."
"Its not Carlos the Jackal anymore friend. I am now Bart. Bart the Miniature Dachshund. I needed a more Americanized name so I wouldn't get stopped when I am with Habeeb."
"Bart, then. You have to help me. I am still trying to get Ackbar into this country, and if I get into trouble for this, they will certainly revoke my student visa. You must help me."
"Later, later. Come with us for now."
Mohammed was helped to his feet by the dwarf, who did not have a name. Bart, Abdul, Mohammed, and the dwarf then walked to the door at the end of the hallway and entered. The girl was still lying on the floor where Abdul left her tied.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-12-10 05:27:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
he gently eased the door open, careful not to disturb the unknown presence. arching his eye towards the crack, he made out the silouette of a short man--infact, it was a dwarf.
the dwarf turned, rage filled his eyes and he pointed towards the hand edging around the door. "AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!"
mohammed fell back and was startled. as he tried to crawl away, but the door flew open and the dwarf made a running leap onto him, slapping him the face and screaming incoherently.
"who is this creature," he squeeked, "did he bring the bloody, comatose infidel!"
bart came rushing in. "allah be praised, it is all right." he said. "this is Mohammed, of brooklyn"
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 04:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mohammed's eyes flickered, then opened fully. Light was visible under a cheap bedroom door. He could hear that it was still raining in the city. He tried to rise from the bed, but was slowed by a dull achiness all over his body. This pain triggered his memory fully.
"Allah be praised! I am saved! But what of the girl? The baby? What baby? I must hide, the Americans are going to hold me responsible for all of this. I must find Abdul. He will know what to do."
As Mohammed left the room and walked down the stairs, he could hear a muffled whining. It didn't sound like the woman, or Abdul. Who else was in this house?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 04:04:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Bart Clifone", Ilich spoke quietly as he turned back to his computer, laughing hautily as he pet his monkey.
he really didn't have a monkey, but that's what he called it.
abdul tried not to watch, but was acught like a deer in headlights.
"uhh... ilich, i mean... bart? what're you doing?" ilich reeled back as bart turned to face him.
"BPS! Butt post sunday! no more scarfs covering their faces! it's wonderful!" Bart turned back to his computer.
"Listen bart, i just blew up donald rumsfeld. condoleeza has got to be on her way, and there is a bloody girl downstiars right now!"
bart put his monkey away and raced down the steps... he'd never seen a real girl before..
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 03:49:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Abdul! How many years has it been?"
"Ilich, how did you escape from prison? You were watched all the time, you spent 23 hours a day in your cell. The electric fences? The constatine wire? How did you do it, my friend? The entire world will be looking for you."
"Come now Abdul, I was imprisoned in France. How difficult do you think it was for me?"
"Oh yeah."
"My old friend, we have much work to do. I do not like how careless our brethren have become since I left. Changes will be made in our organization."
"I am no longer Ilich Ramirez Sanchez. I am no longer Carlos the Jackal."
"The world will now know me as...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 03:37:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
mohammed's monkey jumped up on the dash and began to squawk like a monkey.
"mohammed, aklrj dife djflkwej dsadfffffffconstinentskldjiceljklljlle", abdul spoke in their native tongue as he turned to his companion, slumped over in the passenger seat. they had arrived at the safe house.
Abdul picked up maine, her warm blood dripping down his shoulder as he struggled to carry her inside.
inside the lair, abdul tied the girl up and went up the metal stair case to the second floor. he walked across the planks of wood to a dark secluded room.
abdul pushed the door open, and inside sat one of the most feared men on earth...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 03:28:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Moh grabbed the woman and pushed her into the backseat of the Crown Victoria; he fell on top of her to shield her from the blast from the SAM. The explosion was glorious, falmes of Allah rained down on the blacktop.
"Where the hell did that missile come from?", he thought to himself.
Only then did Abdul emerge from the alleyway with what looked like a smoking gatepost.
"I left my RPG in my car. I had to go get it"
With that said, Abdul hopped in the driver seat of the taxi and drove his unconscious friend to a safehouse. The woman was also passed out. "Better take her too. She may be of some use to the cause yet. Allah will show the way."
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 03:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that's cool.
peace homes.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-10 03:26:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll pass.
Too late for me. I'm off to bed.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 03:23:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
aj, don't be angry! join the fun story!
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2004-12-10 03:22:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What a shitty post.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 03:18:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"what the hell?" maine slowly came to.
"i sorry, ma'am. your baby. it is gone!" mohammed was flabergasted. he looked straight into the pretty wight girl's eys.
"Baby? what baby? i said 'no baby, yes! i have my period! you sickass, why are your hands down my skirt! help! homeland security!" maine jumped up from the back seat and bolted from the car.
mohammed stood there, feeling a lot like bart did on prom night. he turned around and raised his hands in the air, just in time to see a SAM shoot over the seven 11 towards the helicopter.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 03:10:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Abdul had left his explosive martyr belt in his locker in the 7-11 bathroom. Peering at the street, he could not make out any Jews. Without a chance for paradise is he fought the Great Satan in the sky, he ran for cover in an alley next to the convienence store.
Mohammed was more brave this day. A fresh faced male Arabic immigrant 18-34 years of age, he stayed at this horiffic scene. After all, he had nothing to worry about, did he? Just attempting to help out a fellow human being who was in trouble.
Where was the baby? It should have come out by now. Only blood. Now, for the first time, he noticed that the woman did not look as if she was with child. Small breasts; Flabby, yet small belly; slender, narrow hips.
"Allah help me, was she not pregnant?"
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 02:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
suddenly, a us pot-bellied war hellicopter rose above the seven 11. Abdul and Mohammed froze, hearing the familiar patter of the swinging blades. slowly they turned, only to have their worst fears realized.... donald rumsfeld was giving them the thumbs up.
"Put the fetus down and step away from the cab", rumsfeld boomed over the microphone.
they had two options, save this woman or run...
what would a muslim do?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 02:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"There! There she is!"
"I do not know if I can do this, Mohammed. Look, too much blood. She looks like she is with Allah now."
"Abdul, you must. I cannot have the blood of an American on my head. I cannot be responsible because I could not get her help soon enough."
People began to notice the commotion in the middle of 157th street. Why were 2 men of arabic ethnicity both under the skirt of a woman in the back of a cab, elbows deep in bloody slime?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 02:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
he stopped at the nearest 7/11. he new abdul would be working. back in the day, abdul used to be great at delivering baby camels, and this was as close as it was going to get.
he hopped the curb and came to a screaching halt at the front of the doors. Mohammed jumped the hood of his car and pushed open the front door of the quick stop.
"Thank yuu, cum again!" Abdul was working the front counter. he smiled when he saw mohammed.
"Abdul! I need you kick!" Mohammed pleaded.
"kick?" Abdul was confused. he forgot muslims couldn't pronounce the "qu" sound.
"Hurry!" Mohammed shouted.
Abdul threw his apron down and hopped the counter. No one had seen a muslim run that fast since desert storm...
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 02:25:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sweat was pouring down the man's forehead, and he wiped it with his hand. Looking over his shoulder, he could see that the woman was clearly dying. During the ride her cries of pain had diminished to low whimpers. Her head was slumped to one side; her ashen face devoid of the great effort she was enduring. Mohammed knew he must act, medical help was too far away.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 02:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mohammed was startled, for usually people just brought guns into his cab, "no womon, yu cannott bring ddat in here!"
Maine was pissed, she wasn't about to have a bloody uterus drop out in a cab, so she shouted at mohommed, "Listen camel fucker, take me to the hospital now!"
mohmmed turned back to the front of the car, he knew he needed the money anyways. he put the car in drive and sped towards the hospital..
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 02:10:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Rain was falling on the yellow taxicab when Marie entered. "Get me to the fucking hospital, I'm having a freakin baby!"
Mohammed watched the fear in her eyes and the pain in her face as she barked this order to him. Then he noticed the blood spilling onto the backseat of his cab.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 02:02:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i think we should hold a giant continuous story on this thread... any starters?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 01:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What happened to everyone's cajones?
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-10 01:58:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Muslims are responsible for this.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 01:50:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, and so do japanese whores for a few bucks.
which reminds me, one time i was in tijuana and this girl and donkey.... and well i can't remember much but anyways i woke up with a sore ass and the claps.
fuckin' japs.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-10 01:48:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
haha bart sucks
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 01:45:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
blitzen... let's get a three year old post on most heated.
where are you from?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 01:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
colleges man... do you realize how many people i tell about ubersite and have just read my posts and shit?
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2004-12-10 01:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
wierd, i was just thinking the other day "you know, i'm user 1700 or some crap like that.. now uber's up to, like, a million users or something.. and most of them are more well-known than i.. hey look! a bird!"
but really, i only joined maybe a year or two ago.. what's with the rapid influx of people?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2004-12-10 01:33:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ah yes, me too.... wait... 2001....
damn.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-12-10 01:17:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, how I long for the golden days of Ubersite...
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-08 05:09:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This one's hilarious in retrospect. Cos Iraq was responsibla and all...
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-12-08 04:56:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
OH MY GOD WHAT A NERD
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-12-08 04:51:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
haha dork
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-12-08 04:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn right, bastards.
Submitted by TimeCop (user info) at 2004-10-23 22:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Allright, but I've seen better.
Submitted by SarGasm (user info) at 2003-05-14 18:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
does that mean that America is going to blow itself up?
America looking for the parties responsible for terrorism is like OJ looking for the "real killer".
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-02-11 21:35:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen
Submitted by Random Joe at 2002-11-16 22:46:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by twgrubb (user info) at 2002-06-07 16:56:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wanted to rate it a ten, but 2 was the highest possible...two bad most of em are already dead though, makes it a little tougher/easier when they kill themselves.
Submitted by LookingGlass (user info) at 2001-12-24 20:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Make a few billion copies of that and stuff them into wherever the Taliban's hanging out, and hopefully suffocate them or something.