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Floating (603 hits)

Category: UberMadness! Entry
Labels: uberbook

Rating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)

Submitted by Bigmike (View user info) at 2004-04-22 01:05:46 EDT

This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.

John looked at the ground while he was walking down the street. He always looked down because that way he knew nobody would say hi to him or smile at him. He didn't want to be forced to talk to anybody, ever.

As he was walking, he saw the dollar bill crumpled and dirty resting in the gutter. He walked over, bent down and gently picked up the bill. Examining it carefully, he decided it was not unusual in any way, nor more valuable than a regular dollar bill. He put it in his pocket and continued to walk.

He was no more than a block from his house when he had to pass by the Owens house. He hated the Owens' because they had these big, ugly dogs that always barked at him. He had seen hundreds of people walk by the damn house before and those dogs didn't as much as whimper, but when he walked by they went crazy with bloodlust. It was like they were possessed by demons bent on eating his soul for dinner. That's why he carried mace in his pocket. Today was no different.

As he passed by the house, the biggest ugliest Owens dog went crazy. The dog took a running charge at him and something happened that never happened before. The dog's chain snapped and the dog kept on coming. John broke into a sprint and as he did, he reached into his pocket for the mace. Pulling hysterically at everything in his pocket, he finally managed to get the mace out and turned on his attacker, spraying frantically. A bit of wind had come up, and the mace wasn't being as effective as he wanted it to be. The dog ran and leapt up into John's face, getting a snoutful of the awful mace at close range. In mid air, the dog did a 180 degree turn and landed just a hair to John's right, knocking him in the shoulder. John fell down and the dog started to whimper madly and run in circles. John quickly made it to his feet and ran the rest of the way home, cursing the Owens' and their bastard evil dog.

*

John had carried the dollar bill for exactly 5 minutes and 37 seconds. It was now resting on the ground, on top of a few pieces of paper and a couple of receipts from the video store. The wind came up and gently picked up the bill in its featherlike grasp and floated it out into the street. It sat there for a few moments until Dave Johnson came rambling by in his 1974 Barracuda. The car was supercharged and a lot of work had gone into the custom paint and the leather interior. As Dave was driving by he ran over the dollar bill, which promptly got stuck in the grooves of his Hercules tires. Dave drove over 300 miles to his girlfriend's house with that bill stuck to his tire. About 3 miles before he reached her home, the bill became dislodged from the tire by a massive pothole in the road. This pothole was on Seymour Street in the town of New Haven Connecticut. It was a windy day in New Haven and the bill launched itself up into the air off of Dave's tire, floating a good half mile in the breeze. It found a resting place somewhere in the middle of Casey Park just on the outskirts of town.

**

Randy was a crack junkie who did his business in New Haven Connecticut. He would saunter into Casey Park just about half an hour before dusk and loiter just under the Lovers Bridge. Lovers Bridge was aptly named when two young lovers decided that they couldn't go on with life because their love was tearing them apart. They both committed suicide on the bridge one night and ever since; this bridge had been dubbed Lovers Bridge.

Randy's customers knew where to find him so Randy always came ready with a good supply of vials for sale at ten dollars a pop. Randy's business would start promptly at dusk so he was just settling down for a good night when he looked down at the ground and saw a dollar bill lying on the grass next to the bridge. "Must be my lucky day" he thought as he bent down to pick up the bill. It wasn't until he stood up to pocket the bill that he saw the lights on the police car.

This wasn't the first time Randy had been arrested so he knew the drill. The police brought him over to the car and made him empty the contents of his pockets on the hood of the cruiser. He reached into his pockets and emptied everything on the hood of the car for the officer to see. Once they saw all the vials of crack they immediately handcuffed Randy and put him in the back of the police car. Randy was a three time loser. This time he was going to jail. "So much for it being my lucky day" he thought as the officer loaded him into the back of the car.

The dollar was resting on the hood of the police car along with 20 vials of crack cocaine. The officers had actually laughed to see all that crack and only one dollar. "Gee Randy, business must be great" the cops remarked through their laughter. They had busted Randy before and always took the time to ridicule him when they arrested his sorry ass. As one cop put Randy into the car, the other went over to where Randy was standing by the bridge to see if Randy had dropped anything. It was at this time that a bird swooped down and gently plucked the dollar bill off of the hood of the police cruiser and went flying up into the air.

***
Now our bird was thinking "What a nice addition to my nest this thing will be. It's nice and big and soft and it will cover the bottom of my nest nicely." He was happy and content as he flew away towards his nice, safe home.

****

Stewart Andrews was a nerd. A 10 year old nerd. He was never popular with any of the cool kids in school so he was relegated to hanging with the lowest of skels in the neighborhood. In an effort to try to make Stewart feel more like a cool kid, his father Everett brought him home a little present after work. "Geez Dad, it's so cool, can I try it now? Huh? Huh? Huh?" Everett Andrews, being a nerd himself, said "Sure, son. Go out in the backyard, and Stewart....?"

"Yes Dad?"

"Don't put your eye out with that thing."

"I won't Dad, I promise." With that, Stewart loaded up his BB gun and ran outside. Playing commando soldier, Stewart ran from tree to tree pretending to evade some phantom enemy forces. He killed dozens of the enemy and even took down a few of their helicopters with some ground to air fire.

*****

Our bird was almost home to its nest when it was hit by something small and round that hurt like hell. "Owwwww!" sang out Mr. Bird in his own language. As he cried out his song of pain he released the dollar bill and it started to drift downward in the wind, floating as if on a pillow made of soft down feathers. Drifting, drifting, drifting back and forth right on out over the highway.

******

Willie Borza, or "Big Willie" as his friends had dubbed him was just pulling his Harley 1200 softtail out onto the street on his way to his favorite strip joint in New Haven. "Dollars and Dreams" was his favorite club because Jenny worked there. Jenny was his main squeeze and all the brothers knew it. They might go to see her in the club but nobody gets a piece of Jenny's tail unless Big Willie says so.

He's late for her show so he's screaming the Harley down side streets and he really pumps it up as he gets to the highway. He's going 95 miles an hour and he's almost at his exit when "SPLAT" something hits his goggles. Big Willie always wore his German helmet with the Viking horns attached and tonight he was wearing goggles to protect his eyes against the bugs. He reaches up and pulls a dirty dollar bill off his goggles. "Right on" he thinks and shoves the dollar into the pocket of his leather coat just as he is pulling into the parking lot of "Dollars and Dreams".

He goes inside and drinks himself silly. He has a great time with all his bro's and even gets Jenny to give him a facial. He was loving it as he laid down on the floor of the stage, Jenny hovering over him. He took the dollar bill out of his coat and placed it across his nose and mouth. Jenny was grinding and dancing over him, all the while getting her most private of places closer and closer to his money. At the height of the music she squatted down and grabbed the dollar bill with her nether lips and pulled it up inside her. She let Big Willie take it out and place it roughly between her teeth. No more than 30 seconds went by and Big Willie was slamming home the meat doggy style with Jenny in the alley just behind the bar. He was extremely turned on watching her eat that dollar bill after she removed it from his face with her cooze. As he was slamming her, she started screaming "Fuck Me....Fuck Me....Fuck Me!"

And as he did, the dollar bill fell nicely out of her mouth and floated to the ground. As Willie was exiting the alley, his lust sated by Jenny's incredible expertise, he walked right over the bill and it promptly affixed itself to some gum that was on the bottom of his right boot.

He mounted his motorcycle and sped away into the night, dreaming of having sex with two women who looked just like Jenny. As he turned the corner to ride to the highway, he shifted into third gear and the dollar bill came flying off of his boot. The bill floated in the wind and landed on the edge of the curb, resting there through the night and into the next morning. Willie sped on to his fourth DWI in six months.

*******

Sally Reinhold was a very pretty little 9 year old girl who had a penchant for ice cream. The ice cream man came by every day and rang his bell right by her house. Today was no different. She came running out of the house at 3 p.m. because in about 30 seconds Mr. Softie's truck was going to come down the street. She ran to the curb and waited for his arrival. He was late. She skipped around by the curb and then something caught her eye. It was a dollar bill lying by the curb. "Oh my!" she exclaimed. "What luck!" She reached down to pick up the dollar bill and her brand new patent leather mary janes made her slip off the curb. She landed with a resounding thud on the pavement and scraped her knee. As she was getting up, through her tears, she could hear Mr. Softie's bell ringing.

********

Jimbo Dillon was an ex con. He was out on parole for dealing cocaine and he had gotten this sweet deal driving an ice cream truck. He would drive around all day, snorting coke, and feeding the little kiddies addiction to ice cream. Today was no different and as he pulled up alongside the little girl, he was thinking sweet thoughts about his next few lines.

He pulled the truck up to the curb just as the little girl was getting up off of the ground. He was thinking "Hmmmmm, she must have fallen or something". As he pulled up he could see the tears in her eyes.

"What can I getcha, honey?"

"You're late"

I know kiddo, watcha want?"

"Can I have a Nutty Buddy please Mr. Softie?"

"Sure baby, whatever you say."

Jimbo turned around and reached down into the cooler behind him to get a Nutty Buddy cone. When he turned around the little girl was ready.

"That'll be a dollar sweetheart".

The little girl reached out with her hand and handed Jimbo the dollar bill she had found by the curb. He thanked her and she skipped off back towards her house. She was happy because she felt like she got the ice cream for free.

Before Jimbo left the curb, he rolled up that dollar bill, snorted the two fat lines that he had cut for himself right before he stopped at her house, unrolled the bill and proceeded to lick all the excess cocaine off the surface of the bill. Jimbo sat back, his brain floating away in a cocaine addled haze. After a few minutes he put the dollar bill in his pocket and drove to his next stop. A little later in the year he died from Hepatitis B.

Now, dear readers, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, do me a favor. Men take out your wallets, ladies your purses. Look inside and take out all the bills you have. Look at them carefully. Consider their origins, where they have been, where they might go. Feel their texture. Look at the colors, the stains, the markings. Ask yourself where you got them. Don't lick them though.

There's a lot of money floating around out there. Some of it is in your hand right now.

Ever wonder where it came from?

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User Reviews

Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-24 11:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

All of these madness entries are great, and they shouldn't be
pulling down users' ratings just because they've been ignored and haven't
been rated, so I'm making this my mission.